Understanding Feedback Page 2

Thanks for the edits. I think I can do something with them.

Just to clear a few things out re: characters which doesn't come in this scene alone.

Josh - (Full name much longer and posher) Very posh, bold, yet still protective over his sister Champselise

Champselise - (Pronounced like the street in Paris -Champs Elysees) - Total airhead (Think Bubbles from Absolutely Fab, or Dougal from Father Ted. That type of airhead)

Botch - Rude Chav but deep down has a good heart which he tries to hide (Doesn't really like Ben but felt compelled to go to the party)

Tim - Botch's neurotic gay friend. In love with Botch (Botch doesn't know either that he's gay or that Tim loves him)
(Think officer Goody type from Thin Blue Line - (even though Goody wasn't actually gay)
(Sorry about his name being Tim... but the names try to represent the characters)

Ben - Sanctimonious religious guy (no sex B4 marriage etc) Not very bright. I think I'll make him deeply insecure too.

Might explain why Josh's lines are a bit long... Tim whispers 'darling' Champselise is quite nonsensical and Botch is abrupt.

Quote: z--- @ December 16 2010, 11:51 AM GMT

Tim - Botch's neurotic gay friend...(Sorry about his name being Tim... but the names try to represent the characters)

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That's not making matters better.

Quote: z--- @ December 15 2010, 6:44 PM GMT

MY INTERPRETATIONS

STRUCTURE - (OVER WRITTEN DIALOGUE)

What does that mean?

Didn't really understand WHY it was muddled if not for the "overwritten dialogue"

The CHARACTERS - Saying that the descriptions of the characters that I put at the start wasn't the same as the actual characters in the script.

Basically saying... - MAKE CHARACTERS STRONGER WITH STRONGER INDIVIDUAL VOICES is what I'm getting.

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I would guess, from having seen lots of first-attempt sitcoms on here and from the snippet you posted that by overwritten dialogue they meant that the dialogue didn't sound natural.

The characters bit might not mean that they characters acted differently to your descriptions but that the description wasn't shown in the script.

As for 'muddled' have you looked back through your script and tried to identify anything which isn't absolutely essential to the plot? It may be that you've tried to cram a bit too much in - irrelevant gags etc. I know it's very difficult to jettison what seems to be a good gag but if it's not really relevant it can make a script very muddled and don't forget you can always save the gag and use it later.

And where they say about gags coming from character to engage I think they probably mean that the gags should be character driven in that they arise from the chcracters acting naturally rather than just having an idea of a scene relevant gag and trying to find a way to work it in to the script. Not that there isn't a place for those.

anyway, good luck with any rewrites.

Z....

As I see it the main problem with this scene is that you have a bunch of people standing around doing nothing and doing it for quite some time. This throws the spotlight, metaphorically of course, on the characterisation and dialogue. This means it is basically just banter. I know it is dark etc, but try and put some action in the scene so that the character's reactions provide the comedy.

Had a quick edit - for what its worth

BEN (HANGING UP PHONE)
Okay everyone, she's all but here, lights out and remember big "surprisey!" when she comes in.

THE LIGHTS GO OFF

CHAMPSELISE
I don't like the dark. Reminds me of being in the womb. And I'm claustro-pubic... (EXPLAINING) Fear of being reinserted back up mummys-

BEN (CUTTING IN)
Holey moley Champers... (FRUSTRATED WHISPER) just keep it down will you, she's here.

THE KEYS ARE HEARD IN THE LOCK AND THE DOOR OPENS. EVERYONE WHISPERS FROM THIS POINT

Get ready...

FOOTSTEPS ARE HEARD GOING STRAIGHT PAST THE LOUNGE

Oh dear. She's er, I think she's in the kitchen. She's probably just popped in for a-

THE KITCHEN TV SWITCHES ON. PAUSE

Erm, could be here a while. Okay, okay, if need be you all up for a sleep over yeah?

BOTCH
Oh yeah, sure, why not? And instead of a bedtime story why don't you all take turns kicking me in the nutsack

CHAMPSELISE (PANIC)
My alarm is at home, how will I hear it from here?

TIM (EYEING UP BOTCH)
I don't mind sharing the couch. Ooo, but what about Bruce? If I'm not home by two thirty he'll get all frumpy and poop all over the place... and not solid ones either, those yucky beige watery ones.

BOTCH GRIMACES

TIM
He's my hamster

JOSH
Hmmm, anticipation wise, I must say, this has to be right up there with last month's royal gala tarts and vicars party. Tsk, and I thought nothing would beat seeing the Queen dressed in stockings and split crotch panties.

BOTCH
And I could be at home washing my cock hair!