Work in Progress

This is a TV pilot I wrote about events in my life edited slightly to fit to resemble a plot. I posted the first bits of the show last April? Something like that I finished it over Thanksgiving break. I need to rewrite the first part.

Link to copy;

http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/11/24/1604400/Work%20in%20Progress%28edit%29.doc

If anyone needs an RTF because they don't have word notify me.

Edit:
Just realized that I posted this in the wrong forum, I think this belongs in the Critique forum. I'd like to ask a moderator to please move this thread, thanks.

Done.

Thanks!

Well, I read the first few pages. I understand that it's a work in progress, but I think the formatting needs to be tidied up considerably (shoouldn't take too long though) as it did confuse me at times.

It's a bit sweary (I don't have much of a problem with this, but I feel in this case it was excessive). It also brings to mind just 'chatting shit' with your mates. Since if people want to have a laugh in this way, they will... chat shit with their mates, the piece seems a bit redundant (and artless). On the plus side, I suppose it seems more character-driven, which is good.

That said, I think it needs more work. Cutting it right down, setting up a real plot, etc. My mind was a bit boggled by the almost stream-of-consciousness pace of the piece at times. It read like a bunch of quirky, chucklesome and tangential wanderings jumbled on the page. I guess however good it might be it needs to be made a lot slicker, I reckon.

Thanks for sharing, Dheepan, it's very interesting to see other writers' concepts for longer projects.

What page did you get to? The first bit especially the conversation with Han are pretty flawed and I'll have to rewrite it. The beginning section to the library was written October of last year, the physics section was written in 2006 as well.

The AP government part is the beginning of the more modern material, which was written almost two weeks ago.

And yeah the language is a bit excessive. Some semblance of a plot develops around that time.

Thanks for your input.

Think I got to about page 15. Had a skim read of the rest. I guess the hazard of looking at work in progress is that it can be difficult to get a handle on it if you're not the author!

hah that's exactly when it starts to get good! Or at least in my opinion

OK. Make sure the intro gets a tidy then - I believe that about p.15 is as further than any producer will read if they're not grabbed by the piece. I had a similar problem with one of my projects. Sometimes it depresses me to even look at it, it's such a jumble!

Yeah you are right about that. I'll probably rewrite the opening tomorrow or the day after.