So we're putting on a sketch show tonight. I don't know how much it might have got rewritten during rehearsals but here's one of my sketches for it.
The Covert Christianity Collective are wearing balaclavas with Santa hats or reindeer antlers or Rudolph noses or something similar. ONE is very jittery, doesn't stop moving about and fidgeting. TWO is very calm and controlled.
SARAH: We hear lots of complaints about the commercialisation of Christmas but what do any of us actually do about it? With us this evening we have two members of the Covert Christianity Collective who are taking a break from their usual activities to bring back the true meaning of Christmas.
ONE: Thank you Sarah.
TWO: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We are the Covert Christianity Collective.
ONE: Yeah!
TWO: You may have seen our YouTube videos where we convert people to Christianity by stealth.
ONE: In your face!
TWO: No by stealth.
ONE: Yeah! Stealth! (DOES VARIOUS NINJA STYLE MOVES)
TWO: Using methods such as water balloon baptisms or blessing packets of chocolate Hob-Nobs so they become communion wafers.
ONE: Hob-Nobs for the Lord! Yeah!
TWO: But recently we have been fighting back against the commercialisation of Christmas. You've seen the window displays in the big department stores on Oxford Street so I'm sure you've noticed, as have we, that the few nativity scenes they have are small and perfunctory.
ONE: Yeah, they're ignoring the true meaning of Christmas - the birth of Jesus.
TWO: So we've been adding Jesus to the shop window displays.
ONE: Yeah! Every nativity scene we see gets at least two extra Jesuses. Making it real! Putting the Jesus back into Christmas! (STOPS FIDGETTING AND THINKS) Erm, putting the Messiah back into Christmassiah! Erm...no, putting the Christ back into Christmas! Yeah! (STARTS FIDGETTING AGAIN)
TWO: (LOOKS ROUND) What? You've been adding Jesuses to nativity scenes?
ONE: Yeah! Making it real! Hyper-nativity, sticking it to the man!
TWO: How is that supposed to help?
ONE: More Jesuses! Bringing the Christmas message home to the heathens. Yeah!
TWO: We were supposed to be adding Jesus into non-Christian based Christmas scenes.
ONE: That was you? I thought that was the capitalist profit-machine diluting the message of Christmas by trying to overshadow Jesus with Santa models. I've been taking them out and adding them to nativity scenes! Yeah! Stealth mode! (MORE NINJA MOVES)
TWO: But...(FACEPALM)...(TO ONE) We'll discuss this at your Quarter 4 appraisal. (TO AUDIENCE) We've also been doing other things to try to resist the commercialisation of Christmas like make our own wrapping paper...
ONE: Yeah! I had some wrapping paper left over from last year so I used that instead of buying more. Take that corporate bigwigs!
TWO: Or refusing to buy our colleagues the Buzz Lightyear toy they wanted for Christmas.
ONE: (STOPS FIDGETTING) What? But you promised...
TWO: And we are here this evening to ask all you good people to help in our fight to recapture the true meaning of Christmas by spreading the correct message. Every time someone wishes you a Merry Christmas, I want you to reply, "And a Merry Christmas to you too my friend and did you know that Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus? I saw it on QI."
ONE: Yeah, if it's on QI it must be true. Everyone will instantly believe you if they think Stephen Fry said so.
TWO: But if the person you're talking to says that Stephen Fry has just released a new volume of his autobiography and they were thinking of getting it for Christmas say, "No. Get a Bible instead, it uses most of the same words."
ONE: Words! (POINTS FINGER ROUND THE AUDIENCE AS IF MAKING A VERY PROFOUND POINT) Yeah!
TWO: The other thing you can do to help is tell everyone that instead of sending out Christmas cards, you'll be making a donation to charity. (BEAT) Then instead of giving money to charity...
ONE: ...Buy a Buzz Lightyear!
TWO: ...instead of donating to charity, buy some Christmas cards anyway and burn them in front of McDonalds.
ONE: Yeah! Stick it to the McMan! And the other thing you can do is boycott Slade.
TWO: Slade?
ONE: Yeah - (SINGS) "Cum on feel the noize!" Totally diluting the true meaning of Christmas.
TWO: Are you sure you've got the right Slade song there?
ONE: Full-on, hardcore, covert stealth mode, yeah! (BUSTS SOME MORE NINJA MOVES)
TWO: Whatever. Before we go, I just want to mention something I do to keep Christmas real which might be a bit too advanced for you beginners. I like to subvert the commercialisation of Christmas by having a Santa Claus nailed to a cross on top of my Christmas tree.
ONE: Crucifixion - the true meaning of Christmas, yeah!
TWO: Well no, the crucifixion was at Easter but if I crucified a Santa in April, people would think I was a weirdo.
ONE: Covert ninja Christian weirdos, yeah!
TWO: (SIGH) (UNDER HIS/HER BREATH) If I knew who you were under that balaclava, I'd slap you silly. (TO AUDIENCE) We are the Covert Christianity Collective and we're urging you to keep Christmas real.
ONE: Yeah - and don't forget to leave a mince pie out for Santa!
TWO: Get off stage!
