He's not real

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

A young boy, little Timmy is sat on the couch. His Mum and Dad are stood in front of him.

MUM
Now listen Timmy, we need to talk. You're getting too old for this now.

TIMMY
For what mummy?

MUM
Father Christmas is not real.

TIMMY
What do you mean? He brings me presents when I've been a good boy. That's what you told me.

MUM
Yeah I was lying. He's not real.

TIMMY
Oh.

MUM
Good, now that's out of the way, there's something else. Your Dad isn't real either.

Cut to. Timmy.

TIMMY
What? What do you mean?

Cut to. Mum, now stood alone.

MUM
Do you remember that fire?

A big wrong but so right!

Great stuff. Stick it straight in sketch of the year.

Excellent, enjoyed this one.

Just one thing, this line didn't sit too well imho

"Right, now that I've weaned you in, there's something else."

Perhaps this

"Good, now that's out of the way, there's something else"

or maybe have her crossing items off a list

"Good, that's done. Now, point 2"

not sure, probably worse, and not what you intended.

Very good little sketch.

Nice. You might want to tidy up a bit though, just to remove any potential ambiguity. Something like...

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Xmas decorations are strung up. A young boy, little Timmy, is sat on the couch - his Mum and Dad sat either side of him.

MUM
Listen Timmy, we need to talk. You're old enough to know the truth now.

TIMMY
For what, mummy?

MUM
Father Christmas... he isn't real.

TIMMY
What do you mean? He brings me presents when I've been a good boy. That's what you told me.

DAD
We made that up. He's not a real person.

TIMMY
Oh.

MUM
Now we've got that straight, there's something else.

TIMMY
What?

MUM
Your Dad isn't real either.

Sure enough, dad is no longer sat with them.

TIMMY
What? What do you mean?

MUM
Do you remember that fire we had?

TIMMY
But daddy was saved. By the fireman.

MUM
No he wasn't.

We see mum is alone on the sofa now. No more Timmy.

MUM
And neither were you.

FADE TO BLACK

Merry Christmas one and all!

Awe, so sad..

Quote: David Bussell @ December 13 2010, 10:36 PM GMT

MUM
And neither were you.

FADE TO BLACK

Merry Christmas one and all!

View original

Cold, so cold!

Quote: David Bussell @ December 13 2010, 10:36 PM GMT

Nice. You might want to tidy up a bit though, just to remove any potential ambiguity. Something like...

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Xmas decorations are strung up. A young boy, little Timmy, is sat on the couch - his Mum and Dad sat either side of him.

MUM
Listen Timmy, we need to talk. You're old enough to know the truth now.

TIMMY
For what, mummy?

MUM
Father Christmas... he isn't real.

TIMMY
What do you mean? He brings me presents when I've been a good boy. That's what you told me.

DAD
We made that up. He's not a real person.

TIMMY
Oh.

MUM
Now we've got that straight, there's something else.

TIMMY
What?

MUM
Your Dad isn't real either.

Sure enough, dad is no longer sat with them.

TIMMY
What? What do you mean?

MUM
Do you remember that fire we had?

TIMMY
But daddy was saved. By the fireman.

MUM
No he wasn't.

We see mum is alone on the sofa now. No more Timmy.

MUM
And neither were you.

FADE TO BLACK

Merry Christmas one and all!

View original

Haha! And I was scared that it was too mean as it is.

Cheers for the comments everyone

Quote: David Bussell @ December 13 2010, 10:36 PM GMT

Nice. You might want to tidy up a bit though, just to remove any potential ambiguity. Something like...

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Xmas decorations are strung up. A young boy, little Timmy, is sat on the couch - his Mum and Dad sat either side of him.

MUM
Listen Timmy, we need to talk. You're old enough to know the truth now.

TIMMY
For what, mummy?

MUM
Father Christmas... he isn't real.

TIMMY
What do you mean? He brings me presents when I've been a good boy. That's what you told me.

DAD
We made that up. He's not a real person.

TIMMY
Oh.

MUM
Now we've got that straight, there's something else.

TIMMY
What?

MUM
Your Dad isn't real either.

Sure enough, dad is no longer sat with them.

TIMMY
What? What do you mean?

MUM
Do you remember that fire we had?

TIMMY
But daddy was saved. By the fireman.

MUM
No he wasn't.

We see mum is alone on the sofa now. No more Timmy.

MUM
And neither were you.

FADE TO BLACK

Merry Christmas one and all!

View original

I think the original is better. Stick with the one twist rather than attempting a double - in my opinion it makes the "out" too long.

Quote: Ishy @ December 13 2010, 6:27 PM GMT

Just one thing, this line didn't sit too well imho

"Right, now that I've weaned you in, there's something else."

Perhaps this

"Good, now that's out of the way, there's something else"

View original

Something like this makes good sense though. That line sticks out a bit.

I don't get it

Quote: David Bussell @ December 13 2010, 10:36 PM GMT

Nice. You might want to tidy up a bit though, just to remove any potential ambiguity. Something like...

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Xmas decorations are strung up. A young boy, little Timmy, is sat on the couch - his Mum and Dad sat either side of him.

MUM
Listen Timmy, we need to talk. You're old enough to know the truth now.

TIMMY
For what, mummy?

MUM
Father Christmas... he isn't real.

TIMMY
What do you mean? He brings me presents when I've been a good boy. That's what you told me.

DAD
We made that up. He's not a real person.

TIMMY
Oh.

MUM
Now we've got that straight, there's something else.

TIMMY
What?

MUM
Your Dad isn't real either.

Sure enough, dad is no longer sat with them.

TIMMY
What? What do you mean?

MUM
Do you remember that fire we had?

TIMMY
But daddy was saved. By the fireman.

MUM
No he wasn't.

We see mum is alone on the sofa now. No more Timmy.

MUM
And neither were you.

FADE TO BLACK

Merry Christmas one and all!

View original

I like it. But it's not comedy anymore. It'd be one of those weird suddenly serious sketches that occassionally pop in shows and you don't know quite what to make of.

Quote: bushbaby @ December 14 2010, 1:15 AM GMT

I don't get it

View original

That's a relief. I thought it was just me.

Can someone explain to me. Please.

My tweak wasn't meant seriously I should add - I was just taking the bleakness to the extreme. Could make for a great "Always check your smoke alarm" ad though.

Quote: chipolata @ December 14 2010, 9:49 AM GMT

I like it. But it's not comedy anymore. It'd be one of those weird suddenly serious sketches that occassionally pop in shows and you don't know quite what to make of.

View original

You're right there!

Quote: David Bussell @ December 14 2010, 9:55 AM GMT

My tweak wasn't meant seriously I should add

View original

How dare you make a mockery of Critique!