Cunnilingus, my mother and the dog

a try at stand up on a open mic night comming up.this is my first time,so be prepared to be underwhelmed.

this is the first time I have peformed..they say if you are nervous picture your audience naked.. and I am picturing you all naked..its not helping.... f##k me some of you need repairing

I say its the first time I have performed..its not...I have performed cunnilingus with my dog sheaba!

if anyone is wondering what cunnilingus is..it'll be my wife !

i should not tell that story as my mother is in the audience..she hates it..this is the second time she has seen me perform!

i should not imagine her naked either....I have the peep hole at home for that!

beastiality and incest apart I do live a normal life.

i have a wife and son.

my wife and I have been together for 10 years now and our son is at that awkward age of...wanting a dog.

i have a sister. lovely as she is,she is such a snob.

her snobbery peaked last week when she started a new job as a "leak detection technician"..a f##cking leak detection technician.....she works in a care home wiping old peoples arseholes.

away from family and pets I have hobbies...I like to go ghost hunting.

i have just been in britain's most haunted pub "the grapefruit"...they don't like to play on it's reputation. I ordered a pint of beer,it came headless. I thought f##k this im going on the spirits.
i was peckish so I ordered the steak...medium
i started to get a little bit bored with the lack of paranormal activity so I went on a gaming machine.it was a platform game "the mario brothers",my character was luigi....do I have to spell it out?!
sill bored I went to the toilet for a wank...there I saw the ectoplasm!

ladies and gentlemen good night

Very good, Sean.

Welcome to the ever-growing elite corps of BCG members with genuine comedy talent.

I have a feeling some people will be doing a bit of speculating when they see your posting.

But I can recognise a good 'un no matter how short his contribution.

Better strap yourself in. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Quote: Veronica Vestibule @ December 13 2010, 8:53 PM GMT

I have a feeling some people will be doing a bit of speculating when they see your posting.

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What is this? Anything other than speculating? Welcome Sean, and good luck with your comedy.

Quote: Veronica Vestibule @ December 13 2010, 8:53 PM GMT

I have a feeling some people will be doing a bit of speculating when they see your posting.

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Has anyone got a feather?

Quote: Badge @ December 13 2010, 10:02 PM GMT

What is this? Anything other than speculating? .

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Speculating about speculating is entirely permissible.

Quote: Veronica Vestibule @ December 13 2010, 11:23 PM GMT

Speculating about speculating is entirely permissible.

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Quote: Veronica Vestibule @ December 12 2010, 4:40 PM GMT

Unless I'm much mistaken, no other thread in Showcase has been trolled and I can't find a recent thread in Critique that's suffered the same fate either.

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QED?

Sorry Sean, best of luck. Unfortunately Veronica tends to hijack the threads of newcomers to peddle his tired agenda.

And in case you're confused, yes, "Veronica" is a "he". No, I've no idea what that means about him either.

Merry Christmas!

Quote: Veronica Vestibule @ December 13 2010, 8:53 PM GMT

Very good, Sean.

Welcome to the ever-growing elite corps of BCG members with genuine comedy talent.

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Veronica, sarcasm isn't helpful crit'.

I apologise on her behalf Sean.

Quote: Leevil @ December 14 2010, 12:47 AM GMT

Veronica, sarcasm isn't helpful crit'.

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I agree totally.

But there WAS no sarcasm.

I commended Sean on his obvious talent.

There was NO sarcasm.

He really does appear to be a talented comedian and for you to assume I was being sarcastic is in effect to state that he's obviously NOT talented.

I apologise for Leevil, Sean.

And, as for Badge, how can "Welcome to the ever-growing elite corps of BCG members with genuine comedy talent" be hijacking? It was a genuine compliment of considerable magnitude and intended to be a warm welcome to a site with an ever-increasing talent base. I have no idea why he attacked me so viciously.

He's never seen me in real life, has he? How is he therefore qualified to comment on my gender or anything else to do with my real life? And why on Earth would any rational impartial person WISH to do so? With his terrible trolling post, he's turned this friendly thread into a personal attack on ME. Personal attacks are NOT welcome on BCG, Badge - so please stop it.

I apologise for Badge too, Sean.

Let me be clear on this point: I was perfectly serious and anyone without an 'agenda' will see that very clearly.

Keep posting, Sean.

You're a funny man.

I can tell.

Quote: sean henderson @ December 13 2010, 8:37 PM GMT

this is my first time,so be prepared to be underwhelmed.

this is the first time I have peformed and I am nervous..and I am picturing you all naked!i say its the first time..its not...I have performed cunnilingus with my dog sheaba!

if anyone is wondering what cunnilingus is is don't worry....its only my wife!

i should not tell this story as my mother is in the audiance....this is the second time she has seen me perform!

i should not imagine her naked either....I have the peep hole at home for that!

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It's muddled and lacks clarity. I think you need to go back to the drawing board and make sure the jokes are clearer.

Quote: chipolata @ December 14 2010, 9:46 AM GMT

It's muddled and lacks clarity. I think you need to go back to the drawing board and make sure the jokes are clearer.

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A fair crit, Chip - but not one I agree with.

Some of our greatest comedy performers have delivered their thoughts to us in a somewhat 'muddled' and not-very-clear form, haven't they?

Rab Nesbitt - perhaps the best example in the modern era - was by no means at all times coherent.