Removed by author. 
Sad C**t on a Moped
*doesn't comment*
Quote: Nil Putters @ December 11 2010, 4:21 PM GMT*doesn't comment*
Good boy (again) Nil.
A still tongue in a wise head and all that.
Quote: Veronica Vestibule @ December 11 2010, 4:40 PM GMT(posted here with Mark's permission)
Just for the record, I've hidden the 'empty' threads to avoid confusion. I've also put some asterisks into the thread title so we don't end up on Google's rude websites list.
This is shite.
Quote: Godot Taxis @ December 11 2010, 4:52 PM GMTThis is shite.
Quote: Godot Taxis @ December 11 2010, 4:52 PM GMTThis is shite.
Quote: Mark @ December 11 2010, 4:47 PM GMTJust for the record, I've hidden the 'empty' threads to avoid confusion. I've also put some asterisks into the thread title so we don't end up on Google's rude websites list.
That's fine - and perfectly understandable.
Quote: Godot Taxis @ December 11 2010, 4:52 PM GMTThis is shi- ite.
Too true this forum is turning into a mosque
Shouldn't this be in critique? 
I'd like to offer some constructive criticism. I'd like to...
Quote: Leevil @ December 11 2010, 4:59 PM GMTI'd like to offer some constructive criticism. I'd like to...
I don't think that's what Showcase is for, Leevil.
Quote: Mark @ December 11 2010, 4:47 PM GMTJust for the record, I've hidden the 'empty' threads to avoid confusion. I've also put some asterisks into the thread title so we don't end up on Google's rude websites list.
Very sensible, I pity the poor bastard who Googles for porn - and ends up here.
Quote: Badge @ December 11 2010, 5:00 PM GMTI don't think that's what Showcase is for, Leevil.
I do have something that would make it the best piece of writing ever. But she can't edit it now, it's too late.
Quote: Leevil @ December 11 2010, 4:59 PM GMTI'd like to offer some constructive criticism. I'd like to...
Where in the rules does it say Showcase is immune from criticisim?
This seems an invented bit of sophistry, all works be they the greats or my own deranged wibings are up for a slating where ever and when ever.
You don't want criticism plaster the walls of your garret with them and dance naked before your genius spraying them with your own productive fluids.
Or am I to be barred for slating Horne and Corden as they never posted in critique first?
If you don't want feedback don't post.
Actually perhaps don't write.
Quote: Veronica Vestibule @ December 11 2010, 4:40 PM GMTHere's my latest entry for the '2-minute Stand-Up Challenge' (posted here with Mark's permission)
Have you ever noticed that 'stand up comedian' is an anagram of 'sad c**t on a moped'?
Okay, to be honest, it's very nearly an anagram of that. . . . If you want a perfect anagram, you'd have to change 'on a moped' to 'in a moped' . . . which might appear not quite as a good. . . . But it still has considerable relevance as I'm about to explain.
You see, I'm not a very successful comedian . . . as my presence here tonight demonstrates . . . I don't make a lot of money . . . I don't travel far from home to do my gigs. . .I don't have many friends . . . and because of all those things . . . I don't have a car . . . I have a moped . . . I've come here tonight on a moped.
It's great . . . it goes a really long way on a few litres of petrol . . . it's very manoeuvrable in traffic . . . and it's quite warm and dry as long as I wrap up well.
Anyway, the point I'm making is about the traffic . . . it's actually quite dangerous riding any sort of motorized two-wheeled vehicle on today's roads . . . the statistics are quite frightening . . . we're only 1% of the traffic and yet we're nearly 20% of the fatal casualties.
So, it's quite likely that, sooner or later, something's going to happen to me . . . and mopeds being as light and as fragile as they are (compared to a car or a lorry) . . . I'm likely to end up as part of the twisted wreckage of my lovely little moped.
What I'm saying is that, at the time of my demise, I won't be on my moped. . . The moped and I will be all mixed up together so that I'll actually be 'in' the moped.
And when that happens, I want the photograph of the wreckage to appear on the front page of as many newspapers as possible with the caption "Veronica Vestibule: stand up comedian - sad c**t in a moped".
People will complain, of course . . . they'll say 'You can't print that on the front page of a newspaper' . . . but the newspapers will say 'Yes, we can . . . because we're not really swearing . . . it's an anagram . . . a really brilliant anagram . . . thought up by Veronica Vestibule . . . and people will say 'Ah, yes. We see what you mean . . . it's brilliant and entirely appropriate under these tragic and most regrettable circumstances'.
And they'll say "We've lost a truly wonderful and dedicated comedian who died horribly in order to make an apparently imperfect anagram perfect'.
And they'll say "We were not worthy".
But all that's in the future. . . . I'm not yet the comedy legend I shall become on that fateful day . . .Tonight, you still have me . . . I'm yours . . . but time may be short.
Have you noticed how all frozen peas are exactly the same size?
This isn't funny.
But it feels like it's had a fair degree of effort to make it so.
It's poor structure is almost a work of malign genius.
Why bother?