Badge takes the stand-up challenge

I'm joining in.

I have never done stand up, though as I said last year I might do 5 mins "next year" just for fun. Almost certainly without any of this material...

I WALK ON STAGE - AN OLDER, FATTER VERSION OF NICK CLEGG WITH A DEADPAN PERSONA

I know what you're thinking - it's one of those comedians who claims to know what we think. I'm not.

PAUSE FOR TUMBLEWEED

It's great to be here in Kings Cross. There's a phrase I never thought I'd say. At least since Madame Whiplash's Horny Hothouse was closed down.

Kings Cross - an area synonymous with filth and depravity. And now a national newspaper has moved in - hasn't the area suffered enough?

All of a sudden it's 'up-and-coming'. Makes a change for the area to be up-and-coming rather than just the men who visited every night.

In the old days Kings Cross was a wild place; the pub bouncers had their own bouncers. Nowadays you can easily answer the question - what's better, brain or brawn? In case you're confused, it's brawn. It scores 3 more in Scrabble. (TO FRONT ROW) There's a guy here saying "what if it's on a triple letter score?" (LAUGH) Don't worry sir, it isn't.

I come from a big Scrabble family - we always loved a night on the tiles. Apart from my X. Gran was a big player - when she turned 100 the Queen sent her an anagram. When she was died she wanted to be buried close to her beloved sisters. Not too close though - three across and one down.

People say nostalgia's not what it used to be. Old-timers, mainly. I decided to investigate by looking at my teenage diaries. Let me share it with you.

PULL OUT DIARY FROM POCKET AND READ FROM IT

April 12th 1984. Woke up late. Had a dump. (LOOK UP) Didn't even go to the toilet in those days. Ahhh! The Eighties! (NOSTALGIC; LOOK DOWN AGAIN) April 15th 1984. Woke up late. Played snocker with Darren. (LOOK UP) Didn't have a dump this time, apparently. (LOOK DOWN) Won final frame on snockers. (LOOK UP) It really does say 'snockers'. It was a mis-spelt youth.

Later that year I went on one of those German sausage-tasting holidays. It was the best of times.

Before I go I just have a message for hermaphrodites. You can't really go f**k yourselves can you?

I've been Badge, you've been an audience, goodnight!

A 'message' or a 'question' for hermaphrodites?

Not Badge. Some good lines. Oh, and "Hi"

What is your day job?

Pretty good but I didn't really understand the bit about doing standup for 'fun'.

Some very nice stuff here Badge; my favs were the bouncer's bouncers and the whole scrabble bit.

Pretty neat. I liked the scrabble business.

The scrabble bit was good. Love the "night on the tiles."

I love the scrabble bit and my favourite line was this one:

"(TO FRONT ROW) There's a guy here saying "what if it's on a triple letter score?" (LAUGH) Don't worry sir, it isn't."

It made me do a big laugh, because I could imagine it being delivered, and it tickled me just right.

Not overfond on the Kings Cross stuff, but it's all down to the performance.

Wow! A lot of responses - many more than I expected. Thanks to everyone for your feedback. And thanks to Veronica, Johnny D and others who have taken part for encouraging "the challenge". It's been fun.

In turn...

Kenneth - yes, it should be a question rather than a message.

Leevil - thanks, and I will comment on yours as well. And "Hi".

Chappers - I've given it up. That's the right answer, yes?

Veronica - thank you for your wise words - although you do seem to imply that people who know me would like my set more. Where did you get that from? And thanks for the adaptation of The Trip - it probably gets more laughs out of the material that way, but would you say it is well written?

Afinkawan - it wasn't doing the stand-up that would be the fun, it was saying I might do it.

Gerry, Johnny, Bard and Nat - thanks for your comments too, which seem to back up the Scrabble (TM) material. If I ever do this in real life there's a chance some of that bit might survive!

Yeah, I liked this. Reminded me of Stewart Lee a bit, but I can't explain why.

The Scrabble section was good, but I didn't like the crossword ending.What have crosswords got to do with Scrabble?

The diary was my favourite bit. A nice device which would always get laughs.

The "bouncers having bouncers" and "up and coming" gags about King's Cross were the only pieces which stood out as weak. They're variations on jokes we've heard a hundred times before.

Quote: Badge @ December 8 2010, 12:58 AM GMT

AN OLDER, FATTER VERSION OF NICK CLEGG WITH A DEADPAN PERSONA

View original

This made me laugh too. I can't remember you being fat, Badge, but I do only have fuzzy memories of you. Very happy memories though. Very happy.

I think the sausage joke was intended. Actually it is quite good having read it through again - properly this time!

Some of this is very good, oddly the crude stuff doesn't suit you so well

The scrabble lines has wonderful shades of Harry Hill

Don't get the German sausage line

Quote: sootyj @ December 9 2010, 9:56 PM GMT

Some of this is very good, oddly the crude stuff doesn't suit you so well

The scrabble lines has wonderful shades of Harry Hill

Don't get the German sausage line

View original

Agree with most of the others (lazy answer I know). Sausage line my favourite (Soot - Wurst=German sausage)

Crikey I'm stupid