I'd never do stand-up but I thought I'd have a go at the Veronica doorstep challenge. To make it funnier can you read it in a Jack Dee/Stephen Wright voice 
I'm from Swindon. Swindon has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in all of Europe. But I assure you that has nothing to do with me.
I wasn't a bright child. A boy came up to me in the playground once and said I'm Sagitarius, what are you? I said, I'm He-Man.
One year we had a school trip planned to visit a Submarine. Unfortunately the Headmaster cancelled the visit when he found out about the Torpedos.
I'm not a child anymore though.
I noticed the other day that the Polar Ice caps are receeding at the same rate as my hairline. I don't think there's a correlation, it's just an observation.
I'm not a huge fan of exercise. I like to swim, but only when I'm drowning.
Some guys buy these big powerful cars as an extension to their Penis. My car is a Peugeot which is more like a abbreviation of my Penis.
I have a Cat! I'm sure my Cat thinks the Bell around his neck is so that he can call me when he wants something.
[AS THE CAT] Bring Bring! If you could bring me some Chicken I would be momentarily grateful! ...Until I lick my balls!
Actually my Cat's been neutered. But when they chopped his balls off they left the sack! So I'm not sure if he knows.
[AS THE CAT] Have my balls shrunk?!
My ex-girlfriend was a bit weird. On our first date I accidentally called her a Crack Whore.
But the weird part is she liked it! So it became my little pet name for her. I nearly called her Crack Whore in front of her father Brian. Or, Pimp Daddy as he liked me to call him.
....and then I stopped writing because it was 2am! 
