Two Minutes of Absolute Carnage

The jokes below are my efforts at edgy humour; a genre that I particularly enjoy. Please do not read if easily offended.

Hello everyone. I made the mistake of travelling here by bus. I was sitting down, minding my own business when this paraplegic approached and pointed to a sign that read: 'This is a priority seat; please give it up for a disabled person.' I said "you're the man - I like you're style - you've got it going on."

The driver kicked me upstairs. I wasn't too upset though, it's a treat listening to gangster rap music at five million decibels.

I truly hate those kids on the buses these days, you know the sort, trousers up to their knees; thicker than one of Sepp Blatter's envelopes.

That Blatter is a right corrupt c**t isn't he. He's seriously gone down in my estimations - and my original estimate was relatively low.

He's clearly an out an out liar. If Blatter told me it was raining, I'd have to look out of the window before letting my bint back in the house.

Yes, believe it or not, I'm married. The best thing about my wife is she's extremely game. She's been shot over more than the Korean border.

Yesterday I asked her what she wants for Christmas, and she asked me to just surprise her. I'm going to stick a bag over her head and plow her.

Last Christmas she asked me to treat her like a footballer's wife, so I sat on a mobile phone then beat her up.

I didn't really. She's a big c**t.

The wife's weighing in at about 20 stone; she looks like a slim Karren Brady.

The best thing about fat birds is you don't have to put in too much effort to get your length damp. You can seal the deal with a family sized steak and kidney pie.

With thinner, good-looking girls, you've got to put a lot of legwork in, and who's got the time to go out and buy Rohypnol or a hammer?

I'll be honest, I'm an astonishingly lazy man, even when I use the old 'chloroform on a rag' trick; I expect the bint to go on top.

I'm only messing, I could never get involved in the whole rape thing. If I was going to rape someone though, and I'm not, *looks at watch*, it wouldn't be that Cheryl Cole. I've got no time for racists.

I can't understand this 'nation's sweetheart' thing with Cheryl. It wasn't so long ago that she was attacking toilet attendants, now because she cries over some halfwit on the X-Factor, suddenly she's Princess Diana before the wall came into play.

Trying to get a laugh out of a Diana joke is like Adrian Chiles' penis, it's rarely pulled off.

For some reason unbeknown to me, that ugly c**t Chiles is never off the box. He must be the busiest tool since Kate McCann's shovel.

That's a real room splitter: it's as clear as the chin on Karren Brady's chin.

I'll move on to safer ground. Did you know that in some parts of the world it costs just £10 to feed a child for a month? I'm guessing that it's not Jordan's house.

I once asked that Jordan out on a date, but she just blew me off.

That rejection really hurt my credibility as a ladies-man; I'd told my friends that I'd smashed through more back doors than the serious crime squad.

My pals now know that my claim to have slept with over fifty women was an exaggeration. They're even suspicious about my revised figure of five: luckily, the police can back me up on three cases.

Are we all looking forward to celebrating The Ashes? Yep, Thatcher's nearly dead. *looks at watch* Not long now.

I'll leave you with a little cricketing anecdote.

I used to be an apprentice groundsman at Lords, and as a perk I was given two front row tickets to every match. I took my then girlfriend to a game and the drunken skank thought it would be funny to run on the pitch and move the rope when the ball was heading for a '4'. I had to break up with her; she just wouldn't respect my boundaries. Thank you and good night.

Not exactly the sort of material that guarantees a standing ovation at a hen party and it might attract accusations of misogyny from some BCG members but, viewed impartially, that's really good stuff.

There are audiences who would pay to see that, and go home happy.

At the time of the alleged kidnapping, I'd have rated your McCann line the funniest joke in the world - bar none.

Even today, it's a cracker.

The snag is it's also a dreadful libel (unless you've got her on video).

I think I love you Veronica

The word bint seems misplaced.

Didn't enjoy the first half, but the second had some corking one-liners, which I think is your strength.

I didn't care for the misogyny - as might have been predicted - but that doesn't mean there isn't an audience for those gags. Just that I won't be in it. I much preferred the other material, especially Blatter and Ashes.

Quote: Nat Wicks @ December 5 2010, 7:22 PM GMT

The word bint seems misplaced.

Didn't enjoy the first half, but the second had some corking one-liners, which I think is your strength.

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Cheers Nat. You're a good un.

Quote: Badge @ December 5 2010, 7:31 PM GMT

I didn't care for the misogyny - as might have been predicted - but that doesn't mean there isn't an audience for those gags. Just that I won't be in it. I much preferred the other material, especially Blatter and Ashes.

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A more than fair appraisal. Thanks Badge.

Quote: Veronica Vestibule @ December 5 2010, 7:09 PM GMT

At the time of the alleged kidnapping, I'd have rated your McCann line the funniest joke in the world - bar none.

Even today, it's a cracker.

The snag is it's also a dreadful libel (unless you've got her on video).

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I don't think the gag is libellous (or slanderous), V, because Gerry doesn't actually call Kate McCann a killer - he only implies it.

Agreed, it's a brilliant joke though; so good in fact, the rest of the set suffers by comparison.

You've got some killer lines in there.

Some are needed to be a bit clearer like the Cheryl Cole/Diana one its crying out for some more development

The Maddy joke isn't good enough for the material and the subject youre joking on (accusations that her parents moved her corpse) is maybe a little bit niche.

And some of the women jokes get a tade samey

But lots of great stuff especially the back door and thatcher joke

I agree with the gang Gerry, some I liked, some weren't my taste. But funny

Thanks for the feedback Soots, Don and Will. It's gone down better than I was expecting tbh.

Most of it wasn't really my sort of thing, but a few bits I liked, particularly the Thatcher joke - I'll have to remember that one!

But objectively my only real observation would be that there seems to be a mixture of style that wasn't seemless for me. For example the stuff about respecting boundaries and listening to rap on the bus was too weak for my taste, but then most of the rest of it was too strong!

Definately promising though. Keep it up.

Sorry, Gerry, but they didn't make me laugh and I gave up half way through. The lack of laughter was because they were mostly nasty rather than edgy. Delivered with a bit more charm and they could work in a similar manner to Jim Jefferies, but there's little context given here apart from blind misogyny.

Plus, bint sounds like something my dear old Dad would say and he's definitely not edgy.

Quote: joebloggs69 @ December 6 2010, 5:38 PM GMT

Most of it wasn't really my sort of thing, but a few bits I liked, particularly the Thatcher joke - I'll have to remember that one!

But objectively my only real observation would be that there seems to be a mixture of style that wasn't seemless for me. For example the stuff about respecting boundaries and listening to rap on the bus was too weak for my taste, but then most of the rest of it was too strong!

Definately promising though. Keep it up.

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Thanks Joe, good points.

Quote: Ben @ December 6 2010, 7:42 PM GMT

Sorry, Gerry, but they didn't make me laugh and I gave up half way through. The lack of laughter was because they were mostly nasty rather than edgy. Delivered with a bit more charm and they could work in a similar manner to Jim Jefferies, but there's little context given here apart from blind misogyny.

Plus, bint sounds like something my dear old Dad would say and he's definitely not edgy.

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You did well lasting a minute imo

Ben's comments are entirely reasonable and I'm sure many other equally reasonable members agree with him.

I said in my first posting on this thread that Gerry's set might prove controversial and I wasn't far out, was I?

The thing to remember is that it doesn't matter how many people don't like your comedy. If there are enough people who DO like it, you've cracked it.

If your sitcom is on TV and 40 million people in Britain hate it with a passion, so what? If the remaining 20 million love it, you've got a smash hit on your hands.

When I look at a stand-up script, the main question I ask isn't 'Do I like it?' The main question is 'Can I imagine an audience liking it?'

In the case of Gerry's script (and others in this 2-min challenge), the answer is 'Yes'.

It can be interesting and useful to hear genuine, impartial negative opinions about one's work but, in the final analysis, they don't matter a damn as long as you've got a large enough audience that looks positively upon it.

Keep writing, Gerry.

It's worth remembering that this sort of material would only work if the crowd were really on your side. If you tried to pull this out as a complete unknown at an open mic comedy gig it wouldn't go well, purely because of the nature of the material.

I do agree with Ben though in that a lot of it felt nasty, and I thi k that's a lot to do with the language rather than just the joke premises.