Hypothetical because I've never performed this.
In fact, I haven't done stand up since I was very young.
I came second in an under 16's talent contest. First place went to a bastard robotic dancer bloke.
Anyway...
My response to Veronica's call for 2 minutes of original stand up.
https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/19410/
I did put it in that thread (oops) but it's here now.
And before you say it, yes, I know it's shit. 
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Are there any deaf people in tonight?
(***IGNORE THE BOOS, MIKE. THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS****)
Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
What's that c**t doing on the stage?
Yes. I admit it. I've had surgery.
I had my tonsils taken out when I was a kid.
Just a little bit about me.
I was an only child.
At least, that's what my brother reckons.
I came from a broken home.
The windows were smashed and the front door had fallen off its hinges.
The only central heating we ever had was a candle in the middle of the room.
At school, my headmaster often gave me the cane.
And if I was naughty, I'd get lines.
I had a fear of the tall wall in my garden.
I never did get over it.
When I became a man, I married beneath myself.
I used to rent the flat above the registry office.
I used to work in a factory making piggy banks, but I left because there was no money in it.
On Saturday nights, I like to push the boat out.
Now the owner of the boating lake says I'm on my final warning.
There. My life in a nutshell.
Said the acorn.
Ah, you can tell it's Christmas.
The Easter Eggs are in the shops.
For Christmas, I've bought my missus a book on Chinese cooking.
I've also got her Jamie Oliver's 30 Minute Meals, because we're bound to want to eat again in half an hour.
Talking about the missus, she agreed to pose nude for a photographer the other day, which was very strange.
She only went in for a passport photograph.
I was at the doctor's at the time. I said to him, "Knock knock! Doctor Doctor! There's a fly in my soup."
He said, "You're nothing but a mixed up joke."
The time before, I told my doctor I kept thinking I was a bus.
He said to me, "That's uncanny. Up until today, I'd never heard of that condition. Now three of you have turned up at once."
On the way home, this guy stopped me for directions.
I soon told him where to go.
When I walked past the church, I waved to the vicar. Nice man.
I like religious people, but I couldn't eat a holy one.
Then I went to the Rose And Crown and got very drunk.
I complained to the barman. I said, "Every time I drink in this pub, that ugly wanker keeps staring at me."
The barman asked, "Have you been standing by that mirror again?"
But at the end of the day, I can always rely on my missus.
She likes nothing better than to sit on my face and wiggle.
Why?
F**k nose.
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