Two scruffy geezers BARNABY and SEAMUS stand in a street looking at ALISTAIR (who is looking in the window of an antique shop), a well groomed wealthy man in a suit.
BARNABY
See that posh looking bastard over there Seamus?
SEAMUS
The one by that looks like he'd have more pots to piss in than Glastonbury?
BARNABY
Yeah, that's the bloke I'm on about.
SEAMUS
What about him?
BARNABY
I bet I could pass 'im off as an uncouth geezer in time for Finley's stag-do next Friday.
SEAMUS
And what we bettin' on this Barnaby?
BARNABY
If I win, we forget that I slept with your wife.
SEAMUS
You what?
BARNABY
If I don't you can have a shot my missus.
SEAMUS
But what if don't wanna?
BARNABY
You sayin' there's something wrong with my missus.
SEAMUS
Not at all Barnaby, but...
BARNABY
But nothing, if you win you'll 'ave her.
CUT TO:
BARNABY talking to ALISTAIR in a pub. ALISTAIR speaks in a posh voice.
BARNABY
So that's my offer.
ALISTAIR
You want me to act like a slob, and in return I get a...'shot' of your wife?
BARNABY
Too right geezer.
ALISTAIR
I'm sorry sir but--
BARNABY
If you turn this down mate, I'll take it as an insult to my wife. Insult her and you insult me.
BARNABY looks threateningly at ALISTAIR. ALISTAIR looks afraid.
ALISTAIR
Okay sir, I'll take you up on your kind offer.
BARNABY
That's the first thing that has to go mate. That poofter talk.
ALISTAIR
Excuse me?
BARNABY
Not 'excuse me', its 'What'd you f**kin' say geezer?'
BARNABY looks entreatingly to ALISTAIR. ALISTAIR slowly and awkwardly gets the words out.
ALISTAIR
What'd you...f**king say...geezer?
BARNABY
Alright mate, that's a start, few other things to sort out.
BARNABY 'hocks up' and spits on ALISTAIRS shirt.
ALISTAIR
You know I could just wear old clothes, why needlessly ruin a £4000 suit.
BARNABY
What you on about geezer?
BARNABY spits again, this time on ALISTAIR'S shoe.
BARNABY
Next thing is how you act. You know how to hold a pint?
ALISTAIR
I believe so.
BARNABY slides a pint towards him.
BARNABY
Pick that up geezer.
ALISTAIR gingerly picks it up holding towards the top, with his little finger sticking out.
BARNABY
You don't need to handle it so delicately, its not like its a kebab. Grab it.
BARNABY grabs a pint aggressively.
BARNABY
Show em who's boss.
BARNABY downs the pint.
BARNABY
Now you.
ALISTAIR sips the pint and winces.
BARNABY
This might be more work than I thought.
CUT TO:
FINLEYS stag-do in the pub. A group of scruffy lads are around including SEAMUS. BARNABY and ALISTAIR enter. ALISTAIR is wearing a vest with stains on it, tracksuit bottoms, has a cigarette sticking out of his mouth and has stubble. He speaks in a slightly exaggerated 'geezer' voice.
ALISTAIR
(to bartender)
Alright, two pints for me an' me mate.
BARNABY
Finley, have ya met me mate Al?
FINLEY
Don't believe I have. Please to meet ya mate.
ALISTAIR
You the one gettin' married then, mate? Locked in for life aye?
FINLEY
'Fraid so mate, but she's pregnant now so the honourable thing is to just marry her and get me bit on the side.
ALISTAIR
Too right mate, top geezer.
BARTENDER passes ALISTAIR his drinks. ALISTAIR pays.
ALISTAIR
Cheers mate.
ALISTAIR gives one pint to BARNABY and begins glugging his own.
BARNABY turns to SEAMUS. ALISTAIR continues to talk to FINLEY behind BARNABY.
BARNABY
So mate, whatya think?
SAEMUS
Can't believe it mate. Looks like you'll pull it off.
BARNABY
And that's what I said to your wife when I had her last week. Wheaaaaay!
BARNABY steps back and bumps into ALISTAIR in his revelry. ALISTAIR spills his pint on himself.
ALISTAIR
Oh bloody hell, I spilled me pint.
FINLEY looks confused.
FINLEY
What?
BARNABY
Nah, he's just joking mate.
FINLEY
Why'd you say 'bloody hell'. Its 'f**kin' hell', mate. Or are you even a real geezer.
ALISTAIRS' geezer voice begins to wane.
ALISTAIR
Naw mate..I mean...excuse me...ehh.
FINLEY
Hey this guys not a real geezer.
FINLEY and co. begin to close in on ALISTAIR
ALISTAIR
Barnaby...help.
BARNABY thinks for a moment. Everyone looks to him.
BARNABY
I barely even know this bloke. Told me he was a proper geezer.
FINLEY
Let's get him lads!
They all close in on ALISTAIR and grab him.
ALISTAIR
Oh f**king hell!
