Skit Comp 14-21.11.10

Nice crop this week and congratulations to me for winning! I shall celebrate with an ale, a couple of cigarettes and a rag doll. Seriously I'm chuffed 'cause I'm doing stand-up this month and these things make you feel more confident.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Michael Monkhouse
3 - 5 - Otterfox
2 - 1 - Macca, Don P Musey
Honourable mention: Nigel Kelly, Ishy, Jay H

Your new subject: LIES (chosen by Reg N)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to beat me up at school.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 21.11.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

156! - Mr Sunshine
141 - Otterfox
133 - Cool Mikado
125 - Kasm
117 - Nigel Kelly
115 - Michael Monkhouse
112 - Chris Forshaw
108 - Frankie Rage
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
94 - Timbo
70 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
55 - Scratchyr, Gerry McDonnell
39 - Alex Mahon
37 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Ishy, Mikey J
20 - Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
13 - Reg N
12 - Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Stephen Birch, The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Macca, Don P Musey, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

MIFFED MARPLE

A nice sitting-room.
MISS MARPLE sits on the sofa with a POLICEMAN, LAWRENCE and ARABELLA.

LAWRENCE Gosh Miss Marple we're all jolly keen to discover the true identity of the bally blackguard who murdered poor Charles.

MISS MARPLE Calm yourself Lawrence, all shall be revealed... For truly, you each had a motive.

POLICEMAN, LAWRENCE, ARABELLA (in unison) GASP!

MISS MARPLE For you, Lawrence, he was a fellow standing between your good self and an inheritance. Were he to die, Daddy's millions would enter directly into your Griffin Savers' Account...

LAWRENCE Alas, yes.

MISS MARPLE For you, Arabella, he was a temptation. Were he to disappear, no one could seduce your innocent heart from Lawrence, the man you truly love...

ARABELLA Alack, yes.

MISS MARPLE For you, Constable Moult, he was a Paki. Less of them, the better...

POLICEMAN Right you are Miss.

MISS MARPLE So I shall now disclose the true assassin... It was me.

POLCEMAN, LAWRENCE, ARABELLA (in unison) You, Miss Marple? By Gad - I mean, well Crikey.

MISS MARPLE Of course it was me you silly sods, it always is. I mean how bloomin' stupid can you get, did it really never occur to you? The average bod goes through life eighty years without so much as a whiff of murder, the minute yours truly pops up everyone's dying like Jim Davidson at an Amnesty International benefit. 'The Murder At The Vicarage', they don't murder people at friggin' vicarages, they're too busy sipping their cups of herbal tea and reading the Holy Psalter and allocating funds raised from Miss Braithwaite's parish fête... 'The Mysterious Affair At Styles', well it ain't that bleedin' mysterious is it? Cute little village, nothing happening since the dawn of time, there's little old me and suddenly guys're dying like - like Jim Davidson at that thing I mentioned just before... 'Death in the Clouds', I mean Jeez c'mon, September the eleventh, the biggest terrorist paranoia in history, and thick-as-shit Walter Fotheringaye just manages to sneak a f**king meat cleaver the size of Bristol onto the plane? I ask you... It was me you bunch of colostomy bags, me me me me me, and you gotta hand it to me, I'm a right little clever clogs when it comes to pinning the blame on others.

Pause.

LAWRENCE I - I'm terribly sorry everyone, clearly Miss Marple's japing...

MISS MARPLE leaps to her feet.

LAWRENCE (screams)

MISS MARPLE Oh shut your face Lawrence, Christ there's always one of you on my show isn't there? 'Ooh lovey I was nowhere near when the tragedy occurred, I was reciting Shakespeare at the Old Vic', BBC One's 'Miss Marple Show' not good enough for you eh? Well f**k off and kiss the Bastard Bard where the sun don't shine you poncey poofter woofter Gaylord.

ARABELLA Miss Marple, really!

MISS MARPLE And there's always some stuck-up snobby little tart like you too isn't there? 'Ooh if I pass my eleven-plus Mummy and Daddy'll buy me a horse' - well you can take your eleven-plus certificate, roll it up nice 'n' tight and shove it up your aristocratic anus.

POLICEMAN Now this really is going too far...

MISS MARPLE Oh yeah, and there's always you too. Christ it's patronizing: 'PC Plod doffs his helmet to the regular citizen in the humble recognition that she too might have an ounce of brain in her stupid proletarian brain' - try that one in Brixton - why aren't you out with yer chums intimidating foreigners and selling drugs to minors and raping old women? Never saw that on 'Dixon of Dock green', did you? You're dead mate, D-E-A-D, dead.

She takes out a pistol and shoots him.

LAWRENCE, ARABELLA By Gad - I mean, Crikey.

ARABELLA He's died just like Jim Davidson in that thing she just said.

LAWRENCE But - Miss Marple!

MISS MARPLE What?

LAWRENCE Who could possibly have done such a thing?

nick clegg : we will give all students free university within 6 years

LUSH PARTY IN LUSH SURROUNDS. CHAMPAGNE FLOWING ETC.
EVERYONE P*SSED. WIFE IN EVENING GOWN/TIARA.
GUESTS LEAVING AND THANKING HER.

HOTEL MANAGER
Your husband requested the bill madam.
HE HANDS HER THE BILL ON A SILVER PLATTER, SHE TAKES IT AND THE MANAGER LEAVES. HUBBY COMES UP AND LOOKS AT THE BILL

HUBBY

100 thousand quid.......peanuts darling.

WIFE

You know when I told you I'd won the lottery?

MAN & WIFE IN SITTING IN THEIR LOUNGE IN FRONT OF THE TELLY.

MAN: Can't cope with this crap. I'm of down the Offy fer some beer.

OFF LICENSE: the MAN WALKS IN AND IS STRUCK SPEECHLESS BY THE BEAUTY BEHIND THE COUNTER.

BEAUTY: Evenin' handsome, what can I get ya?

MAN: Erm... aahh, err...

BEAUTY: Pussy got your tongue, eh?

MAN: I, err... well I'd like erm a packet off er...

BEAUTY - LAUGING: ... Condoms?

MAN: Well, err. No. What I mean, I mean what I'd like, err...

BEAUTY - GIGGLES FLIRTATIOUSLY, LOCKS THE DOOR AND TURNS THE SIGN TO CLOSED: Stop. Let me guess. You'd like to f**k me sensless - is that close?

MAN SPENDS THE NEXT TWO HOURS UP TO HIS NECK 'IN CIDER'. EVENTUALLY HE ROLLS OFF BEAUTY AND COLLPASES. HE WEARILY STANDS UP:
Got any chalk, love?

BEAUTY - FROM THE FLOOR, WITH A PUZZLED LOOK, PANTS: What? Chalk? Yeah, behind the cash register.

MAN GRABS A STICK OF CHALK STICKS IT BEHIND HIS EAR AND DEPARTS.

MAN ENTERS LOUNGE. WIFE, WITHOUT LOOKING UP: Where the f**k have you been?

MAN: Down the Offy screwing the arse of the new manageress.

WIFE LOOKS UP: Don't you lie to me, you no good piece of shit. You've been down the pub playing darts, again.

Lies which you shouldn't tell your children.

"BULLYING"

FATHERon't worry Danny. If you just ignore your brother, he'll go away eventually.

DANNY STOPS CRYING MOMENTARILY AND LOOKS TO HIS LEFT. THE CAMERA PANS OUT. DANNY'S SIAMESE TWIN IS POKING HIM IN THE RIBS WITH A BIRO. DANNY STARTS CRYING AGAIN.

The Boy That Cried Wolf: The Untold Story...

EXT. FARMLANDS. NIGHT. DAY ONE.

We see two elderly farmers dressed in long, old coats and wellington boots, mustering sheep. As they gather their sheep, the two men are distracted by a loud cry in the night.

VOICE (OFF SCREEN)
Help, help! Wolves!

BERT
E're FRANK, did you hear that?

FRANK
Certainly did Bert, whaddaya reckon it was?

BERT
Sounds like a boy's voice?

VOICE (OFF SCREEN)
Please! Help me! Wolves!

BERT
That's definitely a boy's voice. Grab your rifle FRANK!

CUT TO:

EXT. BUSH AREA. NIGHT.

Bert and FRANK approach the area where the boy's cry's were heard. There, they see the body of a young body lying on the floor.

FRANK
Oh my god, it's little Jacob, Harry's boy...I think he's dead.

BERT
Shit you're right! The wolves must have got him.

As a shocked Bert and FRANK walk toward the 'possibly dead' Jacob, they notice his body start to shake, followed by uncontrollable laughter. Jacob turns and sits up, still laughing.

JACOB
Oh my god, you f**kin idiots, you fell for it.

BERT
That's not funny you little shit, we thought you were dead!

FRANK
He's right Jacob; now go on home before you cause any more mischief!

JACOB
Alright, alright, easy fellas, I was only 'avin a giraffe!

BERT
Clear off you sod!

Jacob walks off laughing lightly to himself. Bert and FRANK return to their flock of sheep.

CUT TO

EXT. FARMLANDS. NIGHT. DAY TWO.

Bert and FRANK are once again attending to their flock.

BERT
E're did you see Deal or No Deal last night.

FRANK
Yeah it was good eh, can't believe he got the two hundred.

JACOB (OFF SCREEN)
Help! Help! Wolves! They're attacking me!!!

BERT
Did you hear that?

FRANK
Course I did. It's that bloody Jacob again innit?

BERT
Yeah, but what if he's really in trouble this time?

JACOB (OFF SCREEN)
Help! I'm being mulled, it really hurts! Ow! My legs! I can't feel my legs!

BERT
He sounds like he's in a bit of trouble; they've eaten his legs for god's sake.

FRANK
You're too trusting Bert! But, if it makes you happy, we'll go check it out!

CUT TO:

EXT. BUSH AREA. NIGHT.

Bert and FRANK approach the same area where Jacob's cries were heard. However, this time, Jacob is no-where to be seen...

BERT
Shit! He's gone, I'm telling you, and the wolves must have eaten him. Shit! Why didn't we get here earlier?

Bert starts to sob. FRANK places a comforting arm over Bert.

FRANK
It's alright mate, there's nothing we can do now. Let's go and alert the area.

As FRANK and Bert are about to leave, Jacob jumps out from no-where and startles them.

JACOB
Boo!!!

BERT
Shit!

FRANK
What the hell are you doing Jacob? I could've shot you!!!

JACOB (LAUGHING)
You should've seen your boat races, bloody picture! 'Oh the wolves must have got him!'Hah, what a couple of nonses!

BERT
Piss of Jacob! FRANK was right! That's the last time I believe you. C'mon Frank, let's get back to our sheep.

Jacob walks off once again pleased with himself.

CUT TO:

EXT. FARMLANDS. NIGHT. DAY THREE.

FRANK and Bert are as usual attending to their flock of sheep.

BERT
Get to much last night FRANK?

FRANK
Just a quiet one. Watched Eastenders, had an early night, if you know what I mean.

Bert and FRANK share a laugh.

JACOB (OFF SCREEN)
Help me! The wolves really are attacking me this time. F**k, their teeth are huge! Heeeeelp!

BERT (TOWARD JACOB)
F**k off you little terd! Not falling for that again!!!

FRANK
Good for you Bert. Glad you've finally stopped falling for that little pricks bullshit!

1 HOUR LATER

BERT
'Ere FRANK.

FRANK
Yeah?

BERT
Well, I was just thinkin'. It's been over an hour since Jacob screamed for help. And that's not like him.

FRANK
What are you saying?

BERT
Well, maybe, just maybe. He might actually be in trouble this time.

FRANK
Don't start this again.

BERT
Well look, we're finished up now, and we've gotta go that way anyway. So why not check it out.

FRANK
Go on then...

CUT TO:

FRANK and Bert once again approach the area of Jacob's cry's. Once again, Jacob is nowhere to be seen.

BERT
You don't suppose he's...

At that moment a wolf jumps out of the bushes and startles them both. FRANK aims his gun...

WOLF
No, don't shoot!

FRANK ignores the wolf's plea and shoots the wolf in the head.

BERT
What have you done?

FRANK
I killed a wolf...you're welcome!

BERT
So there's such a thing as a talking wolf?

FRANK
Don't be ridiculous, that was a real wolf. Probably the one that's eaten poor Jacob.
As FRANK and Bert walk toward the wolf, FRANK prods his rifle toward the wolf's head. The wolf's head rolls off to reveal...Jacob.

BERT
Oh my god, you killed Jacob!

FRANK
Well I didn't know it was him a costume!

BERT
What part of 'don't shoot' didn't you understand, the 'don't' part???

FRANK
It's gonna be alright. I've got an idea of how to get us out of here. Help me bury the body.

BERT
But what about when people start asking the whereabouts of Jacob, what will we say.

FRANK
Everything but the part where I shot him! We'll just blame the wolves and tell everyone what a lying little shit he was!

1. EXT STREET. AN OLD MAN (MICKEY) IN A TRACKSUIT IS ON A PUSH BIKE ALONGSIDE A STOCKY MAN (ROCKY). ROCKY IS JUMPING UP AND DOWN LOOSENING UP.

MICKEY:
If you want to win this lying competition kid, we need to get serious. Are you ready?

ROCKY:
No.

MICKEY GRABS HIS SHOULDERS

MICKEY:
I said ARE YOU READY?

ROCKY:
NO.

MICKEY:
Good man. Let's go.

MICKEY STARTS TO CYCLE OFF, ROCKY IS NEXT TO HIM JOGGING AND SHADOW BOXING

MICKEY:
Hit me.

ROCKY:
Sure boss. Hey, you're looking good in that tracksuit.

MICKEY:
I'm sweating like a fat mans ball sack and I look like like a tired old beetroot wrapped in a sock. Keep em coming.

ROCKY:
My wife fully supports what I'm doing.

MICKEY:
Sweet. She's not sure you've recovered from your breakdown, and thinks stopping you might push you over the edge again. Come on, pick it up.

ROCKY:
You're widely respected.

MICKEY LOOKS PUZZLED

MICKEY:
You can do better than that champ. Of course I am.

ROCKY NODS OVER MICKEYS SHOULDER. MICKEY TURNS AROUND TO SEE A GROUP OF PENSIONERS AT A BUS STOP ALL VIOLENTLY STICKING TWO FINGERS UP AT HIM.

MICKEY:
Great.

FADE

THEY BOTH APPROACH A HOUSE. MICKEY IS OUT OF BREATH

MICKEY:
I'm knackered. Come on let's get a cup of tea. Take your shoes off first though, you've just trodden in dog mess.

2. INT MICKEY'S HOUSE

ROCKY WALKS STRAIGHT INTO THE HOUSE. MICKEY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CARPET IN DISGUST.

MICKEY:
Nice one Einstein.

ROCKY STILL SHADOW BOXING AND LOOKING AROUND THE HOUSE

ROCKY:
Don't worry. It's only mud. It usually evaporates.

MICKEY:
Time out Rocky.

ROCKY:
Nice house. Love what you've done with the downstairs loo. Top idea leaving piss on the toilet seat.

MICKEY STARTS TO LOSE HIS TEMPER

MICKEY:
Rocky. I said time out. (beat) Christ.

MICKEY STARTS TO CLUTCH HIS CHEST. HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR WITH ROCKY HOLDING ONTO HIM

ROCKY:
Don't worry. I've called an ambulance. They'll be here in 10 seconds and they've got a new heart for you.

MICKEY FORCES OUT HIS FINAL BREATH

MICKEY:
You are definitely NOT a f**king idiot.

TEACHER
Benjamin Disraeli famously said "There are three types of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics." And what he meant--

PUPIL
That's a lie.

TEACHER
What?

PUPIL
You're lying. he didn't say that.

TEACHER
Excuse me?

PUPIL
Stalin said it.

TEACHER
No, no. Stalin said "One death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic."

PUPIL
But wouldn't that statistic be a lie.

TEACHER
Well..

PUPIL
So Stalin didn't kill a million people?

TEACHER
No Stalin did kill many many people.

PUPIL
So you're saying Benjamin Disraeli is a liar?

TEACHER
Not at all.

PUPIL
So you lied about Stalin?

TEACHER
What you're doing is--

PUPIL
Was that lie a lie or a damned lie?

TEACHER
It was neither!

PUPIL
So it was a statistic?

DUMBER PUPIL
Who said "We're all lying in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."

TEACHER
That was Oscar Wilde, but the word 'lying' shouldn't be there.

PUPIL
So it was a lie?

TEACHER
No, he just got the quote wrong. You see you're taking two quotes and playing them off each other, they shouldn't be looked at like that, they're both good quotes and both, without lying, tell us something important about the world in which we live.

DUMBER PUPIL
That don't sound right.

TEACHER
It is, they are both true quotes, I'm telling you they can both be right, they are not mutually exclusive.

DUMBER PUPIL looks bemused.

TEACHER
Do you believe me?

DUMBER PUPIL
I guess so.

PUPIL
Just like Hitler said: "Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it"

LIES

A CLOSE UP OF BARBIE IN BED. WE HEAR PINNOCHIO IN THE BACKGROUND.

BARBIE:
Is it true your nose grows longer when you lie?

PINNOCHIO:
Yes.

BARBIE:
Then tell me a lie.

PINNOCHIO:
I've run a mile in ten seconds.

BARBIE
Ohhhh! Tell me another one.

PINNOCHIO:
I've been to bed with Cinderella.

BARBIE:
Ohhhhh! Tell me another.

PINNOCHIO:
I've got a twelve inch pecker.

BARBIE:
Ohhhhhhhhhh! That hit the spot. Tell me another.

CAMERA PANS OUT AND WE SEE PINNOCHIO'S NOSE POKING IN AND OUT OF BARBIE'S SHAVEN HAVEN.

INT. A JUDICIAL EXECUTION BY ELECTRIC CHAIR.

A WOMAN IS STRAPPED TO THE CHAIR. TWO DETECTIVES, A LIEUTENANT AND A CAPTAIN, ARE TALKING IN THE BACKGROUND.

LIEUTENANT
So that's it then. The worst serial killer in American history, 317 victims.

CAPTAIN
And that's just the ones she did herself.

LIEUTENANT
Oh, yes let's not forget the countless lives ruined because of her.

CAPTAIN
I don't know how she got away with it for so long.

LIEUTENANT
It was the MO. Cunning. Always one step ahead...

CAPTAIN
Made us look like fools.

LIEUTENANT
...and absolutely ruthless.

CAPTAIN
All those people she framed.

LIEUTENANT
The woman is pure evil.

THE SWITICH IS PULLED.

LIEUTENANT
But Jessica Fletcher we've got you now!

SHE DIES HORRIBLY.

END.

THE ITTER OF CASMER

PRESENTER (SAM SILK) PREPARING BEFORE HIS TALKSHOW.

STUDIO HAND:
30 seconds to air!

SAM:
Who is my guest today? What does he do?

HAND:
His name is Alex Fentonbuelertonford and we don't really have anything else on him other that he won an award for something. Just suss him out as you go along.

SAM:
Yeah, yeah.. ok. No probs.

HAND 2:
3 - 2 - 1.....

SAM:
With me now I have a man like anybody else nor anybody else. His name is am.....is um... there for all to see and his height is irrelavant. Give it up for Alex Fent-buleapf...abt-tonford.

ALEX SITS DOWN.

SAM:
Alex you're very welcome to the show. Now tell us about this award you have won.

ALEX:
Well Sam I'm very proud to say I won the 'Itter of Casmer' at the first time of asking.

SAM:
The It...the Itter of....

ALEX:
(LOOKS A LITTLE PUT OUT) Yes, The Itter of Casmer...

SAM:
Yees..........(totally at sea) I can see one or two people in the audience somehow don't seem to know what that is. So for their benefit but definitely not mine could you explain what that is?

ALEX:
Of course. It's an award given to the highest highont in any calendar year.

SAM:
.............Mmm hmm (again totally lost) And if you wouldnt mind could you talk us through how you won this prestigious award?

ALEX:
Certainly. Well it wasnt easy. I had to beat off all competition in the Kiynad for one thing (laughs)

SAM FEIGNS LAUGHTER AND LOOKS AWAY TOTALLY CONFUSED.

SAM:
Wow! Thats quite a feat.

ALEX:
Then I had to quiry out the whole goftpo, Singlehandedly.

SAM:
By yourself?

ALEX:
Yes. And your task isnt made any easier when you're halfway along and the fliffer starts to hengulate.

SAM:
Oh I know (clueless). Tell us how far had you gone when you realised you had it in the bag so to speak?

ALEX GIVES SAM A PROLONGED LOOK AS IF SAMS QUESTION WAS WAY OFF THE MARK.

ALEX:
Well as I'm sure you're well aware yourself it takes months of preparation to peak at something like this. It went down to the final day but it was worth the effort. Did you follow my progress atall?

SAM:
(SHIFTS IN HIS SEAT UNCOMFORTABLY) Oh yes of course, one of our own, doing the country proud. I followed all your progress on the tel - telllll...i....vision???.

ALEX:
Thats great to hear, great to hear but quite unusual considering it hasnt been televised yet.

SAM:
Did I say television? I meant theeee....inter....

ALEX:
It wasnt on the internet either! It was only on radio.

SAM:
I know (indignant), I was saying I'd 'enter' my kitchen turn on my radio and listen to the Itter of Casper, Cashmere, Clatter - Cap.

ALEX:
Would I be right in assuming that you havent a clue what I'm talking about?

SAM:
No. I watched the whole-

ALEX:
It wasnt on the tel-

SAM:
LISTENED to the whole thing. I saw..HEARD when the fliffer started to hengulate. It was touch and go for a while.

ALEX:
Yes, that is correct. It was touch and go. Perhaps I owe you an apology.

SAM:
You do? (beat) Yes, yes you do but its quite alright as long as you're completely aware that I'm understanding what you're talking about all the time. Give us a rundown of your road to victory.

ALEX:
Ok. Well I flagened the start and I had to aluviate the crumgen all the way through, well until I got to the smark anyway. The isphert of tredency was there for the taking and once I claimed the iolfog jenden on the 5th stage I felt confident.

SAM:
So you got the isphert of tredency, wow and not only that you also claimed the iolfog jenden.

ALEX:
You've heard of the isphert of tredency? Thats just a name we have in our circles. Its very much an inner circle reference and you know about?

SAM:
Y-yes I heard people talking.

ALEX:
Who?

SAM:
People....am you just now, m-myself.

ALEX:
So anyway I was on the blatsbirry and I still had to gain ralluinity through the boolen-

SAM:
(FAR TOO ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Oh wow!

ALEX STOPS TALKING AND STARES AT SAM.

SAM:
I just remember hearing about you on the blatsbirry and now I'm 'hearing' about you on the blatsbirry---a-again but this time from you and not to y-, for you, at you-

SAM IS INTERRUPTED BY A DOCTOR RUNNING INTO SHOT.

DOCTOR:
There he is! This man escaped from our mental institution. He is completely obsessed with Alex Fentonbuelertonford and pretends to be him except he throws in non-sensical words when he doesn't know what the real words are. You must have been totally lost.

SAM:
Ye-...Oh God!......I'm just hearing word that the real Alex Fentobull Fenta-, the real Alex is here!

REAL ALEX ENTERS.

SAM:
I'm so sorry about that Alex and to our viewers. (delight)Now Alex Alex Alex, Alexy, Alexmeister or the real and lovely Alex as I like to call you could you tell us about your famous win?

REAL ALEX:
Well Sam I'm delighted to say I won the 'Itter of Casmer'. It was fallougened rontumptously and-

SAM PUNCHES HIM. ALEX FALLS CLUMSILY AND DISAPPEARS DOWN THE BACK OF THE SET.

SAM:
(CASUALLY LOOKS AT THE CAMERA AND SMILES) Andthat's all we have time for. Goodnight.

END.

Michael Monkhouse

Hang on, I haven't posted mine yet.

EXT. GARDEN. DAY

A YOUNG GEORGE WASHINGTON, HATCHET IN HAND, STANDS NEXT TO A FELLED CHERRY TREE. HIS FATHER IS TOWERING OVER HIM APOPLECTIC AT WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HIS BELOVED TREE

MR WASHINGTON
Son, did you chop down my cherry tree?

GEORGE LOOKS FROM HIS HATCHET TO THE TREE AND BACK AGAIN BEFORE PEERING UP AT HIS FATHER GUILTILY

YOUNG GEORGE
Um. Nope.

MR WASHINGTON
Don't you lie to me boy!

YOUNG GEORGE
Yeah, but no, but yeah, but... a big flying saucer come along an' these big green furry elephunts jumps out on these orange bouncy balloons an' they had big machete-type knives an' tried to scalp me like they wuz injuns an' they told me they wuz gonna kill ever' body in the whole of America and they tried to chop my head off but... but they hit the tree instead and felled it. So I grabbed my hatchet and I attacks 'em, screaming and a'hollerin' cuz... well, I knew you loved this here tree daddy... An' so I chased 'em off. An' but, well, um... thing is, if it ever got out to folks that there wuz big, dangerous, elephunt, apache, aliens bouncing about... then ever' body wud be scared. An' I don't want that. So, well... I guess you should tell folks it was me what chopped down the cherry tree daddy.

MR WASHINGTON
Son. I thought I'd brought you up to be honest!

YOUNG GEORGE
Well, yeah but...

MR WASHINGTON PLACES A TREMBLING FINGER UPON HIS SON'S LIPS

MR WASHINGTON
Hush, son. I brought you up to be honest, but I never thought you'd also become the bravest and truest lad on God's green earth. If the American people could just hear the kind of boy you are... well, let's just say that they'd go out and make you president of this great country, son.

MR WASHINGTON WALKS BACK TO THE HOUSE BRUSHING A HAPPY TEAR FROM HIS EYE

YOUNG GEORGE (LOOKING HUGELY RELIEVED AS HIS FATHER GOES BACK INSIDE)
That ain't likely cuz they couldn't never be as gullible as you. (FROWNS THOUGHTFULLY) Or could they?

END