OTB takes the pee out of satellite sports news presenters. The ones that read out the same boring old sports news on a loop hour after hour and the ones out in the field. It's also a lighthearted look at the quirks of being a football fan.
TWO WELL GROOMED PRESENTERS ARE HOSTING SNTV's TOP OF THE HOUR NEWS SHOW.
IN HIS LATE 20'S, TRISTAN HAS CHISELED FEATURES, IS SMARTLY DRESSED AND HAS AN
UNUSUAL 'STOP START' DELIVERY. TATIANA IS A BLONDE POWER DRESSING CAREER WOMAN
WITH A HUSKY TONE - THE THINKING MAN'S EYE CANDY. A FAST-MOVING PIECE OF MUSIC TYPICAL OF THE SATELLITE SPORTS CHANNEL GENRE PLAYS THE SHOW IN.
TRISTAN:
It's the top of the hour and you're watching SNTV, I'm Tristan McAvelly
TATIANA:
And I'm Tatiana Smirkes.
TRISTAN:
Coming up in the next hour.
IMAGES OF SOME ARROWS IN A TARGET, SOME RUGBY POSTS AND PEOPLE PLAYING SQUASH
FLASH UP WHILST A FAST & FURIOUS MUSIC TRACK PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND
TATIANA:
King Harold lost an eye at Hastings. William Tell shot a pretty mean arrow in Switzerland, and Robin Hood and his merry men ran amok in the Forest of Sherwood. But, hundreds of years later, archery is still not a mainstream spectator sport.
TRISTAN:
It certainly isn't. We'll ask Archers - isn't it time you got your act together?
TATIANA:
And in Rugby Union, we'll reveal why the posts are that funny H shape, why there isn't a big net to catch the peanut shaped ball and how its players can have a dozen team mates collapse on them and get up and walk away unhurt, whilst footballers get a clip on the ankle and cry like a small girl on their first day at big school.
TRISTAN:
Squash now. And it may be a strenuous pastime - I should know, I play it two or three times a week to keep in shape - but why has it got such a silly name? I mean, they don't call golf 'ballykins', 'just hit-it' or 'smash' do they? We'll find out why later.
TATIANA:
But first. You may well think it gets a bit tedious sitting here in the studio reading out the same boring loop of sports news over and over again - And you'd be right.
TRISTAN:
Indeed you would. Yes, it's nice and warm in here - apart from when the air conditioning goes on the blink - we're well paid and get a very generous clothes allowance. But, here at SNTV we like to bring you more than just the same old same old.
TATIANA:
That's why, for the next six weeks, we're going to be bringing you a brand new, regular and exclusive SNTV feature.
TRISTAN:
Indeed we are! Dominic Holmes joins us in the studio right now. Dom, tell the viewers about your new show.
DOMINIC IS AN EVER SO ENTHUSIASTIC TWENTY SOMETHING PRESENTER. SHARPLY DRESSED,
VERY EARNEST. A TYPICAL SATELLITE TV SPORTS REPORTER.
DOMINIC:
Certainly Tristan, and the lovely Titty Anna, sorry, Tatiana. Freudian slip there! Each week, I'll be out and about examining the psyche of typical football fans. What are there hopes? Their fears? What makes them tick?
TRISTAN:
Booze? Violence? The tribal vibe?
TATIANA:
Oh I hope it's not violence.
DOMINIC:
Well. Let's find out shall we as I take you 'Over the Bar'.
UPBEAT PIECE OF MUSIC & FOOTBALL RELATED CLIPS INTRODUCE 'VT' PIECE. DOMINIC'S IN A BUSY BAR SOMEWHERE IN LONDON ON MATCH DAY.
DOMINIC:
Hello there and welcome to the first edition of 'Over the Bar'. The format's quite simple - not unlike some of the fans. Each week I'll be descending upon a pub or a bar somewhere in the country for a bit of banter and an insight into what it's like being a fan in this day and age of big money football - all of which you can see on SNTV of course! Today I'm in London, land of the cheeky cockney, the alleged academy of football and more glory hunting Man United fans than you can shake a stick at. Excuse me? Dominic Holmes from SNTV, Would you like to do a piece for us?
SQUIFF IS IN HIS FORTIES, A DOWN TO EARTH SOUTH LONDON SORT OF 'GEEZER'. TYPICAL OF THE OLD SCHOOL OF WORKING CLASS FOOTBALL FAN THAT WAS PREVALENT BEFORE FOOTBALL BECAME ALL ABOUT MONEY
SQUIFF:
Yeah, OK. What've I got to do?
DOMINIC:
Just be yourself and tell me a bit about your dreams and aspirations.
SQUIFF:
Well, I wanted to be a plumber really, but I was rubbish at metalwork. My careers teacher said I'd be lucky to get a job as a plumbers mate. I had the last laugh though. I was on that 'Rogue Traders' programme last year.
DOMINIC:
I was thinking more in terms of your aspirations for your club? I mean what does the season ahead hold for you and your team? A push for promotion maybe? Possibly a cup run? Sorry I didn't catch your name.
SQUIFF:
It's Squiff.
DOMINIC:
OK Squiff. I'm, Dominic Holmes SNTV. Good to meet you. That's an unusual name you have there. Can I ask how you got it?
SQUIFF:
I used to have a drink problem.
DOMINIC:
(hesitant)
Er right. OK. Well, we all have our cross to bear I suppose. So tell me, er, Squiff, what does the forthcoming season mean to you?
SQUIFF:
I don't have to go shopping with the missus on a Saturday.
DOMINIC:
Is that it? (light-heartedly) I was hoping for something a bit deeper.
SQUIFF:
(in a lower voice)
I don't have to go shopping with the missus on a Saturday
PANTS, A FELLOW FAN IN HIS LATE TWENTIES/EARLY THIRTIES CHIPS IN FROM OFF CAMERA.
PANTS
OOV)
You lemon!
DOMINIC:
Ah, hello there! Dominic Holmes, SNTV. And you are?
PANTS IS TWENTY SOMETHING, A BIT OVERWEIGHT, A LARGER THAN LIFE TYPE CHARACTER
WITH A SOUTH LONDON ACCENT. HE'S WEARING A TEAM SHIRT THAT IS A COUPLE OF SIZES TOO SMALL FOR HIM.
PANTS:
Pants.
DOMINIC:
Dare I ask?
PANTS:
It's a funny story as it goes.
DOMINIC:
Fire away. We like funny stories, provided they're clean. It is clean isn't it?
PANTS:
As a whistle mate. In season 90-91, our best ever, I wore the same pair of underpants to every game and we only lost three times.
DOMINIC:
Ah, but as you say, you did lose three games. The pants can hardly be said to have been cast iron.
PANTS:
(serious) I disagree. There were very good reasons why we lost those games. Against West Ham the train broke down and I didn't arrive until just before half time. For Man U, some big drunken bloke was sitting in my seat so I had to move and for Arsenal I had to dig my lucky pants out of the wash basket and turn them inside out rather than putting them on clean.
SQUIFF:
Proper scuppered by the skids he was.
DOMINIC:
Thanks for planting that thought in our minds. So let me get this straight. You believe that your underpants were the sole reason why your team had such a good season in 90-91?
PANTS:
Without a shadow of a doubt.
DOMINIC:
So what happened to them? How did these lucky pants fare the following season?
PANTS:
(crestfallen) They didn't. My girlfriend at the time gave them away to Africa Aid by mistake. It was the turning point in our relationship.
DOMINIC:
(thinks for a second) Well I'm sorry to hear that, obviously, but, following your logic, how come an African nation hasn't won the World Cup in the years since then? Someone somewhere must be wearing them surely?
PANTS:
(amazed) Don't be stupid! The elastic would have perished by now. And anyway, they only worked for home games.
DOMINIC:
Oh I see, so you have a different superstition for away games then?
PANTS:
I don't personally, no. I mean I did have a bit of a run with a training top back in 97-98, but it was a false dawn. I was a broken man after she gave away those pants (pauses for sad reflection but then perks up) But Squiff here still believes in that stuff don't you mate?
SQUIFF NODS ENTHUSIASTICALLY IN AGREEMENT WITH PANTS AND LAUNCHES INTO HIS OWN MEMORIES OF SUPERSTITIONS.
SQUIFF:
Oh I swear by them! I used to have a mate who swore by going to the gym before a game. Then it was having sex, then some complicated thing about the number of beers he drank in the pub before the game would be the number of goals we'd score. He gave up when that last theory failed. I kept telling him we'd never score six or seven. He set his sights too high.
DOMINIC:
How do you mean?
SQUIFF:
He was too pissed to enjoy the game, even when we won.
DOMINIC:
Extraordinary.
PANTS AND SQUIFF START REELING OFF SUPERSTITIONS ONE AFTER THE OTHER.
PANTS:
I still dabble. For instance, I'll never buy anything from the club shop when we are on a good run.
SQUIFF:
I never wash my jeans when we win.
PANTS:
I always park in the same parking space.
SQUIFF:
Oh and I have a bet with her indoors before I leave the house that we will lose.
DOMINIC:
Incredible!
PANTS:
And the bloke who sits next to me, If its nil nil after say half an hour, he sends one of his littluns to the loo. You'd be amazed how often we score. It's a shame they have to miss the goal, but it's for the best.
DOMINIC:
And if that doesn't work?
PANTS:
They swap seats at half time.
SQUIFF:
Yeah. It's a sort of rotation system.
DOMINIC:
(amazed)
What?
PANTS:
A rotation system? You know. Like when a team changes their line up?
DOMINIC:
Yes, I'm quite familiar with the terminology, but only ON the pitch, not off it.
PANTS AND SQUIFF ARE BOTH LOOKING AT DOMINIC AS IF HE IS SOME KIND OF ALIEN
SQUIFF:
You mean to say you've never had a superstition?
DOMINIC:
No, never!
PANTS:
What about walking under a ladder then?
DOMINIC:
What about it?
SQUIFF:
Some people think it's unlucky.
DOMINIC:
In so far as you might get something fall on your head and kill you yes, it could be perceived as being unlucky. But it's like saying what if you try walking along the ledge of a very high building. I wouldn't do that either.
It doesn't mean it's a superstition though. It's just common sense.
PANTS:
I'm common. I've got sense. What are you suggesting?
DOMINIC:
Er,. Nothing, I...
SQUIFF:
Has a black cat crossed your path?
DOMINIC:
Not to my knowledge, but I'll take my chances should it happen.
PANTS:
A solitary magpie? One for sorrow and all that mullarkey?
DOMINIC:
I'm sure I've seen both a solitary magpie and a pair of magpies at some stage in my life and have neither felt sorrow nor joy, more sort of "oh there's a magpie, I wonder whose eggs he's stealing". That and vague memories of Jenny Hanley.
PANTS:
Sorry mate, that was before my time
SQUIFF
(misty-eyed) Susan Stranks was better.
PANTS:
Anyway, it's cuckoos that steal eggs.
DOMINIC:
I think you'll find that the cuckoo doesn't steal eggs, it just lays its eggs in another birds nest and lets them raise its young.
PANTS:
(hurt) Well, either way, it's dodgy.
DOMINIC:
So's the magpie! It attacks and eats other bird's fledglings!
SQUIFF STEPS IN TO CALM THE TWO BIRD ARGUERS DOWN
SQUIFF:
Oi! Calm down you two. This isn't effing Nature Watch with Bill Oddie.
DOMINIC:
Yes, you're right. Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. But I still don't buy into this superstition nonsense.
PANTS:
Well, each to their own, but there's something in it, I'm telling you.
SQUIFF:
Yeah. Take that neighbour I used to go to football with years ago. He had to have his sausage roll and Bovril at half time, otherwise we'd lose. It was like a religion to him.
PANTS:
I remember him. Old Charlie!! We used to call him the seventh day Bovrilian.
DOMINIC:
So what went wrong there then?
SQUIFF:
Well, he only went to two or three games a season. He was getting on a bit you see. And when the club stopped selling Bovril, that was him, finished. His heart just wasn't in it anymore. Honestly, it's not nonsense.
DOMINIC:
Of course it is! Bovril can't be held accountable for the success or failure of a football team. Look, I'll ask someone.
DOMINIC TAPS A MAN STANDING NEARBY ON THE BACK. HE IS IN HIS FORTIES AND IS TALKING TO ANOTHER MAN. HE ALSO HAS TWO YOUNG BOYS WITH HIM. HE TURNS TO DOMINIC LOOKING SOMEWHAT STARTLED.
DOMINIC:
Apologies for the interruption. Dominic Hughes SNTV, nice to meet you. Me and my newly acquired friends here are just having a discussion about superstitions in football. They reckon that nearly everyone has one. Do they?
MAN:
Oh yeah, definitely. I was just telling my mate here, I bought my two boys the new home shirt just before the Forest game last season. They've worn them to every game they've been to since and we've never lost. The only time they didn't wear them was Norwich away. And guess what?
DOMINIC:
You lost?
MAN:
How did you know that?
DOMINIC:
Lucky guess?
MAN:
Anyway they've got their colours on again today haven't you boys?
TWO CHERUBIC BOYS IN MATCHING SHIRTS, HATS AND SCARVES NOD ENTHUSIASTICALLY.
BOYS:
Yes!
MAN:
Oh and I had a blue t-shirt that I wore to 3 away games in a row once, and we won them all. I then had to keep on wearing it every time I went to an away game, just in case. In the end I was quite pleased we lost so I could wear something else.
DOMINIC SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF
DOMINIC:
How could you be pleased your team lost just so you can change your clothes for the next game?
MAN:
My wife said I was starting to smell.
A BUXOM WOMAN APPEARS FROM NOWHERE TO RELATE HER TALE ABOUT SUPERSTITIONS
BUXOM WOMAN:
I've got a lucky bra!
SHE IS SWIFTLY FOLLOWED BY ANOTHER FEMALE FAN
FEMALE FAN:
I have to have a row with my boyfriend the night before. Otherwise we'll lose.
A RATHER OVER EXUBERANT TEENAGER CAUGHT UP IN THE SUPERSTITION FURORE THEN
ENTHUSIASTICALLY REVEALS HIS OWN SECRET SUPERSTITION
TEENAGER:
Yeah and I have a *BLEEP* half an hour before the match. That's a point. What time is it?
THE BAR FALLS QUIET FOR AN INSTANT. DOMINIC DOES A TAKE TO CAMERA AND THE TEENAGER SKULKS AWAY.
DOMINIC:
Er, right. Thanks for all those! (to camera) I feel like I've walked into some weird cult or something. (looking around) Is there anyone normal in this pub? When's the trouser leg rolling and secret hand shaking start?
THE TEENAGE BOY GLANCES AT HIS WATCH AND SHOUTS OUT
TEENAGE BOY:
In about ten minutes!
DOMINIC:
Hand SHAKING! I said hand shaking! Listen, the only reason any team wins, loses or draws is down to what goes on ON the pitch. No underwear, t-shirt or Bovril drinking ritual is going to change that. The only outside influences are the
ref, the pitch and the weather.
SQUIFF:
What about the luck of the Irish then?
DOMINIC:
No disrespect, but the potato famine, someone called Cromwell and the struggle for home rule aren't exactly good pointers are they?
PANTS:
He's got a point.
SQUIFF:
Anyway, it's only a harmless bit of fun. Who really knows if there's any truth behind it? It's just nice to have something to cling on to - that feeling of having some control over the team's destiny.
DOMINIC:
OK, well lets forget all this talk about Magpies, Cuckoos and smelly T-shirts.
PANTS:
And *beep*ing?
DOMINIC:
Yes and that too. What does the start of the season mean to you?
PANTS:
Well, it's a bit special innit? It's all about hopes and dreams.
DOMINIC:
And what are your own particular hopes and dreams for this season?
PANTS:
That we don't piss away a nine point lead like we did last year. I blame the cup myself. And winter pitches. I used to play a bit myself you know. Terrible injury. Had to give the game up.
DOMINIC:
(disinterested) Really? And how long have you been following football.
PANTS:
As long as I can remember. It's in my blood. My dad supported the same team and his dad before him. I wouldn't have it any other way. It's all about the highs and the lows. Supporting your local team through thick and thin.
SQUIFF:
Mostly thin.
DOMINIC:
And what about you Squiff? What are your hopes for the season ahead?
SQUIFF:
Top ten finish, cup run maybe.
CHRISTINE THE LANDLADY, A RATHER ABRUPT BUT PETITE WOMAN IN HER FIFTIES WITH AN IRISH LILT IN HER VOICE, SUDDENLY APPEARS AND DRAWS THE CURTAINS BACK. SHE GLANCES ROUND ACCUSINGLY.
CHRISTINE:
Who drew these?
PANTS:
Oi love! Excuse me. We're trying to make a documentary here.
CHRISTINE GIVES PANTS A LOOK OF DISDAIN BEFORE SEEING THE CAMERAS AND BECOMING CONSCIOUS OF THE FACT SHE MIGHT BE ON FILM. SHE ADJUSTS HER HAIR AND CLOTHING AND PUTS ON A SMILE.
CHRISTINE:
Oh, hello. I expect you'll be wanting an interview with the owner of the bar?
DOMINIC:
Yes we could do that I suppose. Is he about?
CHRISTINE:
Sure, I'm the owner.
DOMINIC:
Oh really? That's interesting. Where are you from?
CHRISTINE:
The Kingdom.
DIRECTOR:
Narnia? Brunei? Fife?
CHRISTINE:
No. County Kerry. The Kingdom.
DOMINIC:
Oh right. (pauses to think) Yes that could make a good piece. How a lovely lady like you came to be running a bar in South London, that sort of thing?
PANTS:
Oi! What about us?
DOMINIC TURNS ROUND AND ANSWERS DISMISSIVELY.
DOMINIC:
Er. I think we got enough cheers.
SQUIFF:
But I haven't told you about Mickey yet!
DOMINIC:
Who's Mickey?
SQUIFF RUMMAGES AROUND IN HIS INSIDE POCKET AND PRODUCES A BATTERED LOOKING SOFT TOY WEARING A SCARF
SQUIFF:
My lucky monkey! Say hello Mickey!
DOMINIC:
I give up! This is Dominic Hughes for SNTV in deepest, darkest OCD South London and you've been watching Over the Bar.
PANTS FACE SUDDENLY APPEARS ON CAMERA FROM NOWHERE
PANTS:
Be lucky!
PANTS AND DOMINIC SQUARE UP TO EACH OTHER WHILST SQUIFF TRIES TO INTERVENE. IMMEDIATELY BEHIND THEM A MAGPIE CAN BE SEEN LANDING ON A WINDOW SILL OUTSIDE AND PEERS IN THE WINDOW. EVERYONE APART FROM DOMINIC PUTS DOWN THEIR DRINKS AND STAND TO SALUTE IT.
END