I'VE WORKED WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT
The rationale
Everyone likes comedy that they can relate to on a personal level. "I've worked with someone like that" sets out to do exactly that.
A combination of narrative over scenes depicting irritating colleagues interspersed with celebrities relating stories to camera of their own workplace encounters with weirdos back in the days before they were famous, the 'narrator/scene/comment to camera format' has been proven to work in the 'Grumpy' series of shows as well as numerous 'Top 50s' and other shows where scenes are played out/clips shown and celebs/comics are asked for their opinion.
An opportunity for the public at large to have a laugh and reminisce about for instance "that person that used to work in accounts", it's also a vehicle for celebs to have a rant about strange people they encountered in their life before show business - or even their show business life if they so choose!
SHOW ONE - THE FIRST DAY
IMAGERY OF PEOPLE GOING ABOUT THEIR DAILY BUSINESS, GETTING ON AND OFF TRAINS, GOING IN AND OUT OF BUILDINGS, AN OFFICE SCENE ETC. ETC
NARRATOR: On average, we Brits spend around a third of our adult lives in the workplace. What's more, here in the UK we also work longer hours than any other nation in the European Union. We also suffer from a culture of "presenteeism" which means many of the 28 million in employment give up great big chunks of our annual holiday entitlement. We're not averse to doing a bit of unpaid overtime either. Indeed, according to a TUC study, over five million workers across the UK gave away £27.4 billion in unpaid overtime in 2009, Conversely, at any given time we're told that one in four workers are unhappy and looking to change jobs within the next year? So, is the grass really greener? Or is it a fact that wherever you go, whatever you do, there will always be weirdos in the workplace? Over the coming weeks we'll be following 'Graham', as he starts a new job in a typical workplace. And throughout our journey, we'll unearth some of the characters that lurk within every office building up and down the land. No doubt, along the way, you'll find yourself saying 'I've worked with someone like that!"
SCENE 1 INT. DAY: A TYPICAL OFFICE SETTING. A MAN AND A WOMAN ARE WALKING DOWN A CORRIDOR. THE CAMERA FOLLOWS THEM.
NARRATOR: We've all been there. The enthusiasm and anticipation of the first day in your new job is a joyous affair - a heady mix of apprehension and the sense of release from your previous job or perhaps a period of unemployment.
You've had an early night. You've drunk rather less than you normally would at the weekend. You're chomping at the bit. You're positively raring to go. But are you given a quick introduction to your new colleagues before being unleashed in your new role? Oh no. First of all some over zealous individual, invariably called 'Pam', is drafted in, often against her will, to show you the ropes in no uncertain manner:
THE CAMERA PANS ROUND TO THE FRONT TO REVEAL THE DESIGNATED FOR THE DAY TRAINING MANAGER (PAM) GIVING THE NEW BOY (GRAHAM) A TOUR ON HIS FIRST DAY.
PAM: So, as you can see, this is the kitchen. And over here is 'the tin'. Everyone puts a pound in every week to go towards tea, coffee, milk, sugar etc.
GRAHAM: Er, I don't drink tea or coffee.
PAM: What, never?
GRAHAM: No, to be honest I am not a big fan of caffeine or tannin.
PAM: No dear, this is tea and coffee. Not taffine or whatever it was you said.
GRAHAM: I don't drink them, sorry.
PAM: Well how about milk? You must drink milk. Everybody drinks milk from when they're a little tiny baby, though I should stress that this is cow's milk, not breast. Now that would be weird (laughs insanely).
GRAHAM: Er, no. Not really. I'm lactose intolerant you see.
PAM: Ooooh you are a one aren't you. How about 50p a week then?
GRAHAM: What? For not drinking anything?
PAM: Well, we all take it in turns to make drinks for each other you see.
GRAHAM: So you want me to pay 50p a week for nothing and make drinks for other people?
PAM: If you could. You see, we're a team dear. We all have to take our turn. It would save an awful lot of trouble if you could. Now, over here is the water dispenser. You do drink water don't you?
GRAHAM: Sort of.
PAM: Come again?
GRAHAM: Well, I drink water, but I tend to bring my own in from home. I'm sort of a creature of habit.
PAM: I see. Any other strange habits you want to tell me about whilst we're on the subject?
GRAHAM: No. I just think that we should all try and drink more tap water instead of paying over the odds for water to be delivered.
PAM: This is free dear. The company pays for it.
GRAHAM: It's the principle though.
PAM: Well drink our tap water then. That's free too.
GRAHAM: I'd rather bring my own water in if that's OK.
PAM: We're not a third world country dear. Our water is perfectly clean. You won't catch anything.
GRAHAM: Yes, I appreciate that. I just....
PAM INTERRUPTS HIM TO ADDRESS THE OFFICE. EVERYONE STOPS WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
PAM: Hello? Whoo-hoo! If I could have everyone's attention please. This is Graham, he's just joined us. He probably won't be putting into 'the tin' though because he doesn't drink tea, coffee, milk or water, so if you see him in the kitchen he'll either be pilfering or having a snoop around the fridge to see what's in there (laughs insanely again). Only joking. You do eat though don't you dear?
GRAHAM: Yes, of course....
PAM: Oh, thank God for that
GRAHAM: ...but not meat. I'm a vegetarian
PAM: (angrily) Oh for (beeps) sake! (forces herself through gritted teeth to speak civilly) Shall we move on?
Celeb reminisce...(imagined example) Oh God, yes I remember my first day at....
Celeb reminisce (imagined example) I didn't get an induction as such. Instead I was shown where the toilets were, introduced to a few people etc. etc.
SCENE 2 INT. DAY: GRAHAM IS SITTING AT A DESK LOOKING A BIT ISOLATED AND SHEEPISH.
NARRATOR: Before you know it, it's almost lunchtime on your first day. Pam's dumped you back at your desk, no one's speaking to you and you start to get your first pangs of hunger. It's now that you'll truly start to experience the modus operandi of the office and delights of your new 'team' as you get to discover their little quirks, habits and nuances. Because, let's face it, every workplace is full of interesting, different and downright weird characters.
You daren't make the first move though. After all, maybe people don't go out for lunch here. Perhaps someone comes round with sandwiches. But surely a quick ten-minute dash down to Boots and back won't harm will it? Better not risk it. Like a rather twitchy gunslinger waiting for someone else to make the first move, you decided to sit this one out until one of your colleagues cracks.
And then it happens. THE SLURPER kicks into action.
GRAHAM SUDDENLY HEARS THIS RATHER IRRITATING SLURPING/CHEWING NOISE THAT IS EMANATING FROM SOMEONE AT A DESK NEAR HIM. THE CAMERA FOCUSES ON THE CULPRIT WHO IS DEVOURING THEIR LUNCH IN THE MOST HIDEOUS FASHION.
NARRATOR: No matter what they eat, The Slurper can do a very passable impersonation of a dog grappling with a rather large toffee. They can chew jelly, they can crunch lettuce, they can produce a noise akin to your toothless grandmother trying to suck the remnants off a chicken bone. Most annoying of all, they are completely oblivious to the fact that they're driving the rest of the workplace crazy. And, because you're the new kid in town you're hardly likely to say anything are you? The trouble is, neither is anyone else. Instead you all endure the daily bout of slobbish open mouth chewing, occasionally exchanging knowing glances of despair with anyone but the slurper themselves.
Celeb reminisce... I used to work with this one bloke who would regularly....
SCENE 3 INT. DAY: A FRIDGE DOOR OPENS, A CONTAINER IS EXTRACTED AND SHOVED INTO THE MICROWAVE
NARRATOR: And of course if the Slurper doesn't get you, then THE MICROWAVE FIEND surely will.
CUT TO:
SCENE 4 INT. DAY: BACK IN THE OFFICE PEOPLE START TO REACT TO THE FOUL SMELL THAT QUICKLY FILLS THE ENTIRE FLOOR. THERE ARE CRIES OF 'WHAT'S THAT BLOODY AWFUL SMELL?'. GRAHAM IS SURE PEOPLE ARE LOOKING IN HIS DIRECTION. MICROWAVE FIEND ENTERS CARRYING A PLATE FULL OF LAST NIGHT'S LEFTOVERS. AS ONE COLLEAGUES 'STARE DAGGERS' AT THEM. GRAHAM TRIES NOT TO REACT DESPITE THE PUNGENT AROMA. THEY TAKE THEIR FOUL SMELLING MEAL TO THEIR DESK AND START EATING IT.
NARRATOR: One of every workplace's most prevalent characters since the radioactive food heating machine was invented, Microwave Fiend subjects everyone around them to the most hideous aromas imaginable. It's almost as if an alien creature has died, crawled into their fridge and hidden under some tin foil hoping never to be discovered. It's a rotting carcass in cling film, a putrid meat pie in tupperware, last night's leftovers from a particularly powerful curry. Whatever it is, it's popped into the office microwave and given a good zapping until it stinks out the entire floor.
NARRATOR: The worst part about this is that the culprit will just laugh it off with a lame apology along the lines of...
MICROWAVE FIEND:'Sorry if it smells a bit. We had some curry left over from last night and it seemed a shame to waste it'
Celeb reminisce... Don't remind me. There was this one girl. I think she was cooking dead animals or something in there...
SCENE 5, INT. DAY: GRAHAM IS AT HIS DESK STILL TRYING TO ASSESS IF IT'S OK TO GO OUT TO LUNCH WHEN SOMEONE APPROACHES HIM AND ASKS TO BORROW 50P.
NARRATOR: Then there's that other lunchtime favourite, THE CHANGE GRABBER. This crafty character is the workplace equivalent of being asked in the street for ten pence for a cup of tea. They're not hard up or down on their luck. Oh no. But that doesn't stop them from forever borrowing money from their colleagues.
GRAHAM LOOKS UNSURE, BUT IS IN A COMPROMISING SITUATION AS THE NEW BOY.
NARRATOR: Just the odd bit of small change here and there to make up the money to buy a sandwich, get a copy of 'Hello' magazine or help towards their fare home. It's only a trivial amount admittedly but add it up over the course of a year and they are veritably coining it in at others expense - and as the newbie you're now fair game. I mean, turning down a polite request for 50p on your first day at work isn't going to look very good is it? And, once you're in the Change Grabber's sights, once you've set the precedent there's no turning back.
Celeb reminisce... piece about working with someone who was always on the scrounge
SCENE 6, INT. DAY: GRAHAM DECIDES TO GO OUT AND GET A SANDWICH.
NARRATOR: You decide that now's the time to act. You declare to one and all that you are....
GRAHAM: Just popping out to get a sandwich.
NARRATOR: One of your new found colleagues pipes up....
COLLEAGUE 1: Oh, don't worry, take an hour if you like. After all, you're entitled.
NARRATOR: Immediately you're confused. Is it a trap? Have they got the authority to tell you that? Are they all going to be laughing at you behind your back? Will they all at the very moment you leave the building be doing impersonations of you in silly voices? 'I'm just popping out for a sandwich'? You bet they will! It's all they've got on you so far. You're still a relative stranger.
Celeb reminisce... The whole first day scenario is a bit of a nightmare. I mean, it shouldn't be, but.....
Celeb reminisce... Another lunchtime reminisce. Possibly about feeling awkward, not knowing where to go, being afraid to ask etc.
SCENE 7, EXT. DAY: GRAHAM EXITS THE BUILDING AND IS ON A BUSY STREET. HE LOOKS LOST. WE FOLLOW HIM ON HIS JOURNEY.
NARRATOR: You've plucked up the courage to go out for a few minutes but you've no idea where to go. You hurriedly pick the first sandwich shop you stumble across. You'll doubtless be told later that no one ever goes there ever since the last bout of food poisoning, but what the hell, you're up against the clock.
As you peruse the menu through the window, you're sure you hear Pam the training manager shouting 'freak' from the other side of the road, but you turn round and discover it's just the squeaky brakes on some courier's bike.
You order the simplest sandwich possible and hand over three pounds fifty for the pleasure. You don't want to be away from the office for a minute longer than you have to be. They might think you're a shirker. A workshy waste of space. And let's face it, you've yet to endear yourself to any of them.
You're playing a guessing game. Is an hour reasonable? It must be written down in European Law somewhere. Yes but you can't go flaunting the rule book at them, they'll think you're some kind of anally retentive moron. Oh, what to do?
As you panic the sales assistant announces that they are all out of the main ingredient of your choice of sandwich. You hastily choose another filling. Anything will do!
Eventually, after what seems like an eternity, you grab your sandwich and run all the way back to the office,
Celeb reminisce... something as simple as that whole first lunchtime scenario can dictate how you're going to get on in your new job etc.
SCENE 8, INT. DAY: GRAHAM GETS BACK TO THE OFFICE TO FIND IT ALMOST DESERTED
NARRATOR: You get back to discover that the office is almost empty. The phones are ringing away and a scrawled post-it note message has been left on your screen announcing 'Gone to the pub. We would have asked you but you seemed hungry'. Back about 2.30'.
GRAHAM TRIES TO INTERCEPT A CALL
NARRATOR: You decide to do your bit for the 'team' and try and pick up another line from your phone. In your last place you dialled 27 to intercept a call, but when you dial 27 here you get through to a rather irate senior manager on the other end of the line who asks somewhat abruptly...
IRATE MANAGER: Who are you?
GRAHAM QUICKLY REPLACES THE RECEIVER
NARRATOR: You decline to tell them and put the phone down.
GRAHAM SCURRIES ROUND THE OFFICE TRYING TO PICK UP THE PHONES
NARRATOR: You then spend the next couple of minutes scurrying from desk to desk trying to answer calls, the majority of which have hung up by the time you get to them.
GRAHAM RETURNS TO HIS DESK, PUFFING
Narrator: Now breathless, you lay your lunch out on your desk, take a few deep breaths and prepare to tuck in. Just as you're about to take your first bite of the sandwich you didn't really want, you're suddenly aware of a presence.
A SHADOW IS CAST OVER GRAHAM'S DESK. IT'S THE SNACK THIEF. SLIGHTLY CREEPY CHARACTER MAKES SMALL TALK BEFORE ASKING OUTRIGHT FOR SOME OF GRAHAM'S LUNCH
Narrator: It's THE SNACK THIEF! This character will seemingly appear from nowhere, ready to snaffle any titbits that are going. Yet do they offer you any of theirs when they can be bothered to go out and actually pay for something to eat? Do they hell! They can hear the rustle of the bag and smell the aroma of the contents at fifty paces. Even before you've managed to take your first bite they'll be there, drooling over the food that you've just paid for and once again you'll be put in a compromising position as they cry...
SNACK THIEF: Oooh, that's looks interesting. I don't suppose I could try some could I?
NARRATOR: Do you tell them to 'do one' and get the additional label of 'selfish git', or do you share, thus making a rod for your own back from hereon in? You reluctantly offer them half of your sandwich, which they gratefully accept, surprised at your generosity. You'll be starving by half three but it's the first bond you've made. You've arrived at base camp one -you've made a friend.
Celeb reminisce... something about any port in a storm, colleagues going off and deserting you etc.
Celeb reminisce... the whole first day experience almost take you back to that first day at school. Except for the crying of course.
SCENE 9, INT. DAY: GRAHAM GETS BACK TO THE OFFICE TO FIND IT ALMOST DESERTED
NARRATOR: So, you've made it through to lunchtime on your first day. Congratulations! So far, so...average. And there's plenty more to come during the course of your first afternoon!
SCENE 10. INT. DAY: GRAHAM IS SITTING AT HIS DESK BLANKLY STARING AT HIS COMPUTER SCREEN. AROUND HIM IT'S A HIVE OF OFFICE BASED ACTIVITY.
NARRATOR: It's the very first afternoon in your new job and you've already endured the first leg of your induction, spotted a few strange characters and tried and failed miserably to get your head round the whole lunchtime culture. Pam the training manager has had to go home with a migraine that you no doubt induced so the second part of the induction is cancelled....for now at least. Instead, it's time to move for the next stage of your new workplace education - Spotting the glaringly obvious weirdos.
Celeb reminisce... piece about how there always seems to be at least one strange person in a workplace, plus an example.
BEREFT OF WORK TO DO GRAHAM SUBTLY GLANCES AROUND HIS NEW SURROUNDINGS. HE IS DRAWN IN BY A DESK THAT IS FULL OF TEDDIES, GONKS, PICTURES OF 'ROBBIE' ETC.
NARRATOR: Of all the characters that stick out like a sore thumb in any workplace, the most obvious is the CHILDHOOD RECREATOR. This person's desk, for want of a better description, looks like a miniature version of a child's bedroom. Teddies, gonks, little pictures of celebrities or pop stars plastered all over the place. Allow them the opportunity and they will happily give you a guided tour and a 'who's who' of each and every one of their exhibits.
THE CHILDHOOD RECREATOR SPOTS GRAHAM LOOKING OVER AND MISINTERPRETS IT AS HIM ADMIRING THE EXHIBITS ON HER DESK
CHILDHOOD REC: I can see you looking at Charlie. He's my lucky bear from when I was little. Oh and that's George. I won him at a fair once. Come here I'll give you a whirlwind tour!
GRAHAM FINDS HIMSELF GETTING UP AND RELUCTANTLY GOING OVER TO CHILDHOOD RECREATOR'S DESK WHERE HE GETS THE GUIDED TOUR WHILST THE NARRATOR TALKS US THROUGH WHAT'S HAPPENING.
NARRATOR: Instead of screaming 'Grow up! You're almost menopausal, not 10 years old!' you nod politely and endure the whole tour. You even find yourself feigning interest in each and every exhibit despite the fact that you will go home that evening and tell anyone who'll listen that you're working with a complete retard.
Celeb reminisce... Yes we had a desk decorator where I worked etc. etc.
GRAHAM IS STILL BEING GIVEN THE TOUR BY CHILDHOOD RECREATOR WHEN ALONG COMES ANOTHER CHARACTER - HYGIENE AVOIDER. THEY ARE CHILDHOOD RECREAT0R'S BEST FRIEND IN THE OFFICE. GRAHAM IS AT FIRST TAKEN ABACK BY HYGIENE AVOIDER'S APPEARANCE, BUT TRIES TO REMAIN PLEASANT. THEY ENGAGE IN SMALL TALK AS THE NARRATOR EXPLAINS THE SCENARIO.
NARRATOR: Another visual, and this time, nasal, treat, the HYGIENE AVOIDER looks and smells like a bag of dirty laundry and is seemingly totally oblivious to the fact. In their world, anti-dandruff shampoos, deodorants and washing powder are like a cross to a vampire at daybreak. As a result you can expect to endure the daily waft of body odour and garlic that emanates from their general direction. On no account try to subtly hint that they may like to do something about their personal hygiene as this sort of person is invariably also a little bit unstable.
Celeb reminisce... we had this one bloke who smelt like an old cheese etc.
SCENE 11, INT. DAY - A DOLLY BIRD TYPE IS TEETERING ALONG THE CORRIDOR. HIGH HEELS, BOOB TUBE, SHORT SKIRT, TOO MUCH MAKE UP. SHE ARRIVES AT GRAHAM'S 'POD' OF DESKS. SHE GIVES HYGIENE AVOIDER A LOOK OF DISDAIN BUT GRAHAM, AS THE NEW BOY, A FLIRTY SMILE WHILST HANDING HIM A MEMO.
NARRATOR: You can't miss WHERE'S THE PARTY? The antithesis of Hygiene Avoider, their 'uniform' is high heels, boob tubes and short skirts all topped off with lashings of make up. Teetering around the place in shoes that would give most mere mortals a nosebleed, they look as if they were heading off to a nightclub rather than coming in to do a decent day's work. Loved by their male colleagues, loathed by the females, their success will be down to whether their boss is a lecherous old slime ball of a man or a green eyed monster of a woman. This one's the MD's PA and rumour has it they are a very unlikely item. She hands you a memo about how all internet activity is blocked and how IT monitor every one of your emails before teetering off to her Ivory and Burberry tower on the fifth floor.
Celeb reminisce... I've never understood why some people go so OTT in their appearance just to come in to work.
SCENE 11, INT. DAY - THE TUNE WHISTLER HAS ARRIVED BACK FROM A MEETING. HIS DESK IS RIGHT BEHIND GRAHAM'S. AS GRAHAM TRIES TO FOCUS ON THE MEMO THAT 'WHERE'S THE PARTY' HAS GIVEN HIM HE CAN'T HELP BUT HEAR THE MONOTONOUS WHISTLING COMING FROM BEHIND HIM.
NARRATOR: You're just getting your head round the list of company's do's and don'ts - most of them don'ts when The TUNE WHISTLER (AKA THE HUMMER) arrives back from a meeting. He only gives out aural clues. But what clues! All day he'll hum or whistle a monotonous tune that you will then be totally unable to get out of your head for the rest of the day. It wouldn't be so bad if you could even play 'Name that Tune' along to it, but no, it's an inane drone that goes on forever and will invariably come back to haunt you just as you're about to go to bed at night.
Celeb reminisce... Random whistling. What's that all about + anecdote.
SCENE 12, INT. DAY - GRAHAM IS WALKING ALONG THE CORRIDOR TO THE KITCHEN CLUTCHING A HANDFUL OF CUPS. HE ARRIVES AT THE KITCHEN AND START NOTICING A FEW SIGNS DOTTED AROUND.
NARRATOR: Out of desperation, in order to escape the clutches of your new found friends you agree to make drinks for them all. At least it will buy you a few minutes peace and quiet, even if you don't touch the stuff yourself. It's here that, even though you won't actually meet them, you'll become familiar with THE SIGN WRITER. This is the cheery person who, because they consider the rest off the office to be complete imbeciles, spends their time posting useful little signs around the workplace, particularly in the kitchen or toilets, sometimes even on your computer. Random bits of advice like 'please wash up when you are finished', ' replace the toilet roll if you use the last piece' or 'don't forget to switch your computer off before you go home'. Indeed they leave so many signs dotted around the place that you'll end up wanting to write a sign too. Oh yes! A great big one across their forehead in biro that says 'I HAVEN'T GOT A LIFE' - best not do it in your first day in the job though eh? Ease yourself in. See how the land lies. Your time will come.
Celeb reminisce... Ah yes, sign writers. I think they think they're helping everybody out, they're busy bodies etc......
SCENE 13, INT. DAY - GRAHAM IS MAKING AN ASSORTMENT OF TEAS AND COFFEES AND TAKING IN THE SURROUNDINGS.
NARRATOR: Whilst you're in the kitchen you'll notice that the company has another weirdo within its ranks -THE UTENSIL DUMPER.
CAMERA PANS AROUND TO REVEAL STAGNANT SINK FULL OF OLD TUPPERWARE, DISCARDED CUPS, PLATES ETC.
NARRATOR: Every office has at least one - the person that forgets to take home or wash the container that has the remnants of a recent lunchtime treat of theirs in. Instead they'll leave it festering in the kitchen for days in the knowledge that sooner or later the law of averages dictates that someone else will clear it up. Either that or some bright spark will suggest a washing up rota and you'll find yourself regularly clearing up someone' else's lunchtime mess. One to avoid if ever you are invited round to their house for dinner as the chances are that if they can't manage a container or two at work, their own kitchen will look ten times worse given that there's probably no one to clear up after them. After all, who could live in such filth? Louis Pasteur perhaps!
Celeb reminisce... It's the sort of squalor you expect to see in a student houseshare etc.
SCENE 14, INT. DAY - GRAHAM IS BACK AT HIS DESK, STILL BEREFT OF ANYTHING USEFUL TO DO WHILST OTHERS AROUND HIM BEAVER AWAY.
NARRATOR: The afternoon of your first day in the job is drawing on. It won't be long before you can get out of this God forsaken place, but first you'll come across yet another freakish colleague - THE EARLY LEAVER.
PAN TO SOMEONE PUTTING THEIR COAT ON AND GATHERING UP THEIR BELONGINGS READY TO MAKE THEIR WAY HOME. THEY BADE THEIR FAREWELLS TO EVERYONE BUT GRAHAM AND DISAPPEAR
NARRATOR: This is the person who is always nipping off a bit early because they have heard that there have been 'problems on their line' and as a result their journey home might take quite a bit longer than usual. That would be fair enough, were it not for the fact that they often fail to add that ALL routes are suffering from heavy delays. Accordingly it takes everyone else an age to get home whilst the Early Leaver is already at home, feet up, relaxing with a glass of something cold.
Celeb reminisce... Early leaver? Bloody skiver more like etc.
SCENE 15, INT. DAY - THE CLOCK IS TICKING ON TOWARDS 5.00PM. GRAHAM IS STILL SAT AT HIS DESK.
NARRATOR: Just as at lunchtime you had to play a waiting game, going home time is another test for the new employee. Does everyone leave on time or is there some unwritten law that says you will work at least forty five minutes to an hour longer than your official hours, because that's what everyone else does? You're about to find out.
GRAHAM SPOTS SIGNS OF ACTIVITY. SOMEONE IS GETTING READY TO LEAVE.
NARRATOR: Out of the corner of your eye you spot someone putting their coat on and gathering their belongings. Not all their belongings obviously - no one brings all their worldly possessions into the office - apart from the Childhood Recreator of course. As this peripheral colleague starts to make their move for the exit you become aware of another of the workplace's favourite inhabitants - THE MOTH MARTYR. This person basically works all the hours that God sends and can't resist letting all of their co-workers know about it in no uncertain terms. When asked if they fancy going for a drink or whether they are going to be in the office much longer they will sigh and say...
MOTH MARTYR: Thanks for asking but looks like another long night for me. I'll probably just get a pizza delivered or something.
NARRATOR: Why? Why is it that it takes them so much longer than everyone else to do exactly the same job? The worst part about it is that their boss will actually believe that they are putting more effort into the job. No they're not, they're just so bad at what they do that they have to take several more hours a day doing it!
Celeb reminisce... Teacher's pet we used to call ours. Stayed til at least nine every night, in at seven thirty. Boss fell for it as well etc.
SCENE 16, INT. DAY - GRAHAM DECIDES TO CALL IT A DAY.
NARRATOR: Somewhat bemused BY MOTH MARYTR you decide to take your lead from the colleague who's going home. You grab your things and bade your 'goodnights' in the general direction of your new found friends. It's met with a half-hearted 'night' in return. The jokes about 'half day is it' will come another day once they know you a bit better.
GRAHAM MAKES HIS WAY UP THE CORRIDOR AND GETS INTO A WAITING LIFT
NARRATOR: Staring straight ahead in order to avoid any disapproving looks, you make your way to the lift, relieved that you have made it through your first day. But it's not over yet! For it is here you meet the next character that will become a regular part of your working life over the coming months...PAINT STRIPPER BREATH. This character would be bearable were it not for the fact that they tend to perch themselves on your desk, lean right into you and ask you a favour, or you get stuck next to them in a meeting that goes on and on and on. And, if they don't get you in the workplace, you'll find yourself face to face with them in a crowded lift just like you are right now.
PAINT STRIPPER BREATH: You're new here, aren't you'
NARRATOR: ...they'll venture, right into your face. You'll grimace before forcing a smile and replying...
GRAHAM: Yes, that's right.
A BRIEF CONVERSATION ENSURES BETWEEN THE TWO WHILST THE NARRATOR EXPLAINS
NARRATOR: If challenged about your subsequent facial expressions, you'll pretend you're wincing because you've pulled a muscle in your back. Fortunately you're only three floors up, so this particular face-to-face confrontation is relatively brief, but just like Arnie, they'll be back! So ends day one. You venture out into the evening, some of your hopes and dreams shattered but hoping for a better, more productive day two. But, in reality, it's about to get weirder.
END OF SHOW ONE
© Aldeem 2010
