I am a monster.

Inspired by the recent spate of zombie sketches on BCG, I give you my contribution to the illustrious collection:

"I AM A MONSTER"

Scene. Typical modern apartment. Int. Night.

SUSAN: I have something to tell you: I'm a zombie.

DAVID (ANIMATED): Are you serious?

SUSAN (REANIMATED): Deadly serious.

DAVID: In that case, I have something to tell you: I'm a vampire.

SUSAN: Are you serious?

DAVID: Undeadly serious.

ENTER MIKE

MIKE: I have something to tell you.

DAVID AND SUSAN: You're a werewolf.

MIKE: How did you kno-oooooooooooooooooooooow?

ENDS.

*Cringe*

Quote: Jebsly @ November 5 2010, 4:13 PM GMT

*Cringe*

View original

Praise indeed.

It's too obvious as it stands, It would possibly be funnier, if the last one was NOT a werewolf.

Either the first two eat him or he turns out to be an even more horrible monster such as a Medusa.

Quote: billwill @ November 5 2010, 5:21 PM GMT

It's too obvious as it stands, It would possibly be funnier, if the last one was NOT a werewolf.

Either the first two eat him or he turns out to be an even more horrible monster such as a Medusa.

View original

ENTER MIKE

MIKE: I have something to tell you. I'm not a werewolf.

DAVID AND SUSAN LEAP ON MIKE AND BEGIN TO DEVOUR HIM

SUSAN (GNAWING AND SLURPING): Is this supposed to be funny?

DAVID (GUZZLING BLOOD): Apparently.

SUSAN SHRUGS, ACCEPTING THE HILARITY OF THE SITUATION, AND CONTINUES FEEDING

ENDS.

or

ENTER MIKE

MIKE: I have something to tell you. I'm a Medusa.

SUSAN: How fast can you run 5000 metres?

MIKE: Sorry, I don't . . .

SUSAN: If you're really fast, I'm going to call you Gorgon Zola Budd.

DAVID: That's very funny.

DAVID AND SUSAN HIGH FIVE

ENDS.

ENTER MIKE (wearing a hat)

DAVID AND SUSAN: We have something to tell you. We are a zombie and a vampire and we are going to eat you!

MIKE: Tough, 'cos I am a medusa

Takes off hat to reveal writhing snakes. Lighting changes to bright aquamarine.
MIKE turns and walks out. Over his shoulder we see two stone statues, one a zombie, one a Vampire.

ENDS.

Quote: billwill @ November 5 2010, 6:29 PM GMT

ENTER MIKE (wearing a hat)

DAVID AND SUSAN: We have something to tell you. We are a zombie and a vampire and we are going to eat you!

MIKE: Tough, 'cos I am a medusa

Takes off hat to reveal writhing snakes. Lighting changes to bright aquamarine.
MIKE turns and walks out. Over his shoulder we see two stone statues, one a zombie, one a Vampire.

ENDS.

View original

or . . .

ENTER MIKE (wearing a hat)

DAVID AND SUSAN: We have something to tell you. We are a zombie and a vampire and we are going to eat you!

MIKE: Tough, 'cos I am a medusa

Takes off hat to reveal writhing snakes. Lighting changes to bright aquamarine.

DAVID AND SUSAN HUDDLE TOGETHER IN FEAR.

SUSAN (TO DAVID): Oh no! I can feel you turning to stone.

DAVID: Er, perhaps if you stopped pressing your tits against me?

SUSAN (MOVING AWAY A LITTLE): Sorry.

ENDS.

There's definitely not enough Zola Budd jokes about these days. I can only attribute it to political correctness gone wrong.

What about:

MIKE
I have something to tell you.

SUSAN
Oh, don't tell us you're a werewolf.

MIKE
No, I'm a paedophile.

SUSAN
Oh.

DAVID (whilst biting into someone's neck)
You sicken me.

Quote: Don P Musey @ November 6 2010, 2:00 AM GMT

What about:

MIKE
I have something to tell you.

SUSAN
Oh, don't tell us you're a werewolf.

MIKE
No, I'm a paedophile.

SUSAN
Oh.

DAVID (whilst biting into someone's neck)
You sicken me.

View original

or . . .

MIKE
I have something to tell you.

SUSAN
Oh, don't tell us you're a werewolf.

MIKE
No, I'm a paedophile.

SUSAN
You're kidding!

MIKE (WITH A LEER): At every available opportunity.

ENDS.

This is a great thread.

Good original sketch and good follow-up postings by everyone.

More, please!