Day of The Gay/Snippet

SEE PREVIOUS THREADS FOR STORY BACKGROUND

DAY OF THE GAY (SNIPPET)

EXT. HOUSE. NIGHT

We see a close up of a man's face looking out of a window, behind a drawn curtain. He stares at the outside world for a second. This is ALFIE.

We see a quick glimpse of what he sees. A scene of several men dressed either in drag or tight pants and a shirt, accompanied with females dressed in macho attire, such as turn up jeans and denim jackets with several facial piercings. The 'Gay'crowd loiter outside a public house, which vibrates with loud sounding disco music, and has a large Neon light sign above the door that glows constant and spells the word, 'Lilly's'.

CUT BACK TO-

INT. HOUSE. NIGHT

The man at the window takes one last gaze and slowly draws the blind, and turns to his friends.

There are 5 more people that stand precariously in the lounge room of Alfie's house. Two more men and three women. Alfie holds a garden fork, and one other holds a garden spade.
MAN 1/JACK
Well, Alfie, what did you see?

ALFIE
It's not good Jack. They're everywhere! All loitering around the local pub. And to think it used to be such a nice pub, now overrun and infested by those ungodly creatures, those...monsters!

WOMAN 1/BARBARA (CRIES)
What are we gonna do now? It's over.

Jack comforts the crying woman.

JACK
It's okay Barbara, we'll get through this.

BARBARA
What if they get in here? What if they attack us? Oh I can't bear the thought of turning into one of those...Gays!

JACK
Now you listen here! I'm not gonna let that happen to you. I'll die protecting you!

ALFIE
No-ones gonna die here, not on my watch. Let's just wait out the night, until the break of dawn, then we bust out of here.

WOMAN 3/STELLA (UPSET)
It's too late for us. We are all doomed. They've already beaten us.

MAN 3/JOHN
Stella, what are you talking about?

STELLA
You know exactly what I'm talking about John.

JOHN
Oh not this again. We've already talked about this.

ALFIE
What's going on?

JOHN
Nothing, everything's fine, right Stella.

John goes to touch Stella.

STELLA
Get away from me1

ALFIE
Stella, what is going on? Why are you acting like this?

STELLA (MORE UPSET)
Why don't you tell them John.

ALFIE
Tell us what John? What's Stella talking about?

JOHN
Nothing, she's being ridiculous.

STELLA
Don't you dare call me ridiculous! They have a right to know!

JACK
C'mon John. We've been friends for ten years. What's going on?

JOHN (ANGERED)
There's nothing going on.

ALFIE
Ok, Stella. Can you tell us what is going on.

At that moment, Jack, Barbara, Lisa (WOMAN NO.3) and Stella side with Alfie, away from a suspicious looking John.

STELLA
He's one of them.

ALL
What?!

ALFIE
What do you mean Stella?

At that moment Alfie holds his garden fork in the direction of John, and Jack lifts up his Garden spade too.

JOHN (LAUGHS)
See, I told you she was being ridiculous!

ALFIE
Why would she say that John?

JOHN
Well she's obviously wrong isn't she, I mean, look at me, I haven't turned.

ALFIE
Have you been bitten?

JOHN
What, I can't believe I'm hearing this, from my best friend.

ALFIE
Answer me!

JOHN
NO! Stella, stop this!

STELLA
Last night, Tuesday, is DVD night...

JOHN
Stella, don't!...

ALFIE
Stand down John. Go on Stella...

STELLA
Well, every week, John or I get to take turns to go to our local video shop and get to pick out what movie we would like. John's always liked Die Hard or Lethal Weapon, bit of an action buff you might say. I'm more of a rom com kinda girl.

ALFIE
Go on...

JOHN
Stella please!

ALFIE
I won't tell you again John, let her finish.

STELLA (CRIES HARD)
Well, last night was John's turn.

JOHN
Please!

ALFIE
One more time John, and I'll have Jack here strike you down!

STELLA
Well, he didn't come back with the usual Bruce Willis actioner or Russel Crowe epic, he came back with a disturbing, horrific piece of...I don't know what, but it scared me, I've never been so scared in my life. And he made me watch it with him...oh God!

ALFIE (COMFORTS STELLA)
It's okay Stella, I've got you. What was this horror he made you watch?

STELLA
Brokeback Mountain.

JOHN
It's got a good story!

STELLA
You made me watch it three times!!!

All are shocked.

JOHN
This is ridiculous.

Alfie and Jack slowly walk toward John with their weapons.

JOHN
What are you doing?

ALFIE
Quick fire round John, Elton John or Johnny Rotten?

JOHN
Elton, I mean, Sex, Sex Pistols.

ALFIE
Dirty Harry or Midnight Cowboy?

JOHN
Oh come on, Midnight Cowboy won Oscars, who wouldn't choose it?

ALFIE
Matthew Kelly or Dale Winton?

JOHN
Erm...both?

At that moment Alfie and Jack grapple with John and take him in the spare room.

The three females remain in the room, staring at the door of the spare room.

JOHN (OFF SCREEN)
No, get off me, Stella, help, help me!...And I think it's gonna be a long long time, til touch down brings me...ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!

John's singing is cut short by the loud blows from Jack's spade, and the slicing sounds of Alfie's Garden fork.

ofo

ofo?

Oh f**k off

No, no, no. Don't f.o, Macca.

It's a good comedy idea and the above script is, for the most part, both funny and nicely-written.

There was a time when almost any comedy script about gays would have brought howls of protest from the PC brigade but, nowadays, I think most people (straight, gay or bi) in the civilised world would find the above script politically acceptable, even if they didn't find it funny.

The script itself gets off to a wobbly start with some redundant dialogue.

The first line:

"MAN 1/JACK
Well, Alfie, what did you see?"

is wholly unnecessary and the second line:

"ALFIE
It's not good Jack. They're everywhere! All loitering around the local pub. And to think it used to be such a nice pub, now overrun and infested by those ungodly creatures, those...monsters!"

might usefully be trimmed to:

"ALFIE
They're everywhere! Monsters!"

From that point on, the script is pretty good and the dialogue needs only minor revisons.

Two important changes I'd make are (1) the DVD John chooses should not be 'Brokeback Mountain'. That's a little too obvious. It should be something with Judy Garland and (2) the song sung by John as he's been disposed of should be a Judy Garland classic. Perhaps 'Over the Rainbow'?

ofo2

Quote: sootyj @ November 3 2010, 11:56 AM GMT

ofo2

View original

ihnbsi.

You know what, as a stand alone sketch this kind of works for me. Not as a bigger piece, though; the joke will get very old very quickly.

The key is to focus on the absurdity of the homophobia, which I think is what you're going for. You may need to exaggerate it even further to make it obvious you're not condoning their views.

Also Brokeback Mountain is a bit obvious. What about Rocky Horror or Pracilla or something of the like?

You could also say that the wife found an old photo of him from when he was 18 and he had *dum dum duummm* an earring.

Thanks for your input guys (good and bad :-) Yeah I was struggling to make the joke less obvious, so will definatelt play around with the innuendos a bit more.

As I don't want to come across as prejudiced I will certainly work on the dialogue a bit more thus preventing me from discredited the gay community in anyway.

Quote: Macca @ November 4 2010, 8:28 AM GMT

As I don't want to come across as prejudiced I will certainly work on the dialogue a bit more thus preventing me from discredited the gay community in anyway.

View original

...the risk there is that it might end up feeling too safe.

The truth is, whenever there's an attempt to mock people for their prejudices, there is a strong danger that the irony will be lost and people will simply imagine the writer is prejudiced. Especially when the writer really is prejudiced, and is just hiding behind the façade of irony.

DAY OF THE GAY (SNIPPET) RE-WRITE

EXT. HOUSE. NIGHT

We see a close up of a man's face looking out of a window, behind a drawn curtain. He stares at the outside world for a second. This is ALFIE.

We see a quick glimpse of what he sees. A scene of several men dressed either in drag or tight pants and a shirt, accompanied with females dressed in macho attire, such as turn up jeans and denim jackets with several facial piercings. The 'Gay'crowd loiter outside a public house, which vibrates with loud sounding disco music, and has a large Neon light sign above the door that glows constant and spells the word, 'Lilly's'.

CUT BACK TO-

INT. HOUSE. NIGHT

The man at the window takes one last gaze and slowly draws the blind, and turns to his friends.

There are 5 more people that stand precariously in the lounge room of Alfie's house. Two more men and three women. Alfie holds a garden fork, as does the other two men.

ALFIE (SIGHS)
They're everywhere! God dam monsters!

BARBARA (CRIES)
What are we gonna do now? It's over.

Jack comforts the crying woman.

JACK
It's okay Barbara, we'll get through this.

BARBARA
What if they get in here? What if they attack us? Oh dear God I can't bear the thought of turning into one of them!

JACK
Now you listen here! I'm not gonna let that happen to you. I'll die protecting you!

ALFIE
No-ones gonna die here, not on my watch. Let's just wait out the night, until the break of dawn, and then, we'll bust out of here.

STELLA (UPSET)
It's too late for us. We are all doomed. They've already got to us.

LISA
What are you talking about Stella?

JOHN
She's fine, she's just scared, like the rest of us.

STELLA
You know exactly what I'm talking about John.

JOHN
Oh not this again. We've already talked about this.

ALFIE
What's going on?

JOHN
Nothing, everything's fine, right Stella.

John goes to touch Stella.

STELLA
Don't touch me! Get away from me!

ALFIE
Stella, what is going on? Why are you acting like this?

STELLA (MORE UPSET)
Why don't you tell them John?

ALFIE
Tell us what John? What's Stella talking about?

JOHN
Nothing, she's being ridiculous.

STELLA
Don't you dare call me ridiculous! They have a right to know!

JACK
C'mon John. We've been friends for ten years. What's going on?

JOHN (ANGERED)
There's nothing going on.

ALFIE
Ok, Stella. Can you tell us what is going on?

At that moment, Jack, Barbara, Lisa (WOMAN NO.3) and Stella side with Alfie, away from a suspicious looking John.

STELLA
He's, he's one of them.

ALL
What?!

ALFIE
What do you mean? One of them?

STELLA
Them! Out there! One of those ungodly creatures!

The group grow ever more concerned.

At that moment Alfie holds his garden fork in the direction of John, and Jack lifts up his Garden spade too.

ALFIE
Is this true John, are you...GAY?

JOHN (LAUGHS)
No, I told you, she's being ridiculous!

ALFIE
Why would she say that then John?

JOHN
Well she's obviously wrong isn't she, I mean, look at me, I haven't turned or anything?

ALFIE
Have you been bitten, or come into any type of physical contact with them in any shape or form?

JOHN
What, I can't believe I'm hearing this, from my best friend.

ALFIE
Answer me!

JOHN
NO! Stella, stop this!

STELLA
He's lying!

ALFIE
Now John. I want you to be straight with me, LITERALLY! I can't have you endanger the lives of these people. You know what I will have to do in order to protect them and me if there is any truth in this. So, I'm giving you one last opportunity, as a friend, to tell me if there is any truth in what Stella is saying. Are you,...a Gay?

JOHN
NO!

STELLA
LIAR, he's lying. Last night, Tuesday, was DVD night...

JOHN
Stella, don't!...

ALFIE
Stand down John. Go on Stella...

STELLA
They have to know!

ALFIE
Go on Stella, speak freely.

STELLA
Well, every week, John or I get to take turns to go to our local video shop and get to pick out what movie we would like. John's always liked Die Hard or Lethal Weapon, bit of an action buff you might say. I'm more of a rom com kinda girl.

ALFIE
Go on...

JOHN
Stella please!

ALFIE
I won't tell you again John, let her finish.

STELLA (CRIES HARD)
Well, last night was John's turn.

JOHN
Please!

ALFIE
One more time John, and I'll have Jack here strike you down!

STELLA
Well, he didn't come back with the usual Bruce Willis actioner or Russel Crowe epic...(STARTS TO CRY AGAIN)

ALFIE
Go on, its alright.

STELLA
Well, what he did come back with was some of the most disturbing, horrific, images that have ever been recorded, I mean it was sick...I don't know what it was, but it scared me and I've never been so terrified and sickened in my life.

ALFIE (COMFORTS STELLA)
It's okay Stella, I've got you. Take a deep breath! What was this horror he made you watch?

STELLA (CRIES HARD)
...The Sound of Music!

ALL GASP!

JOHN
It's got a good story!

STELLA (FRANTIC)
You made me watch it three f**king times against my will!!!

All are shocked.

JOHN
This is ridiculous.

Alfie and Jack slowly walk toward John with their weapons.

JOHN
What are you doing?

ALFIE
You know what I have to do John.

JOHN
Oh come on, you can't be serious. Just because I like Judy Garland doesn't mean I'm packing fudge.

ALFIE
Quick fire round, Elton John, Or Johnny Rotten?

JOHN
Elton, I mean, Sex, Sex Pistols, sex with the sex pistols, no!

ALFIE
Dirty Harry or Midnight Cowboy?

JOHN
Oh come on, Midnight Cowboy won Oscars, who wouldn't choose it?

ALFIE
Matthew Kelly or Dale Winton?

JOHN
Erm...both?

At that moment Alfie and Jack grapple with John and take him in the spare room.

The three females remain in the room, staring at the door of the spare room.

JOHN (OFF SCREEN)
No, get off me, Stella, help, help me!...I could be pink, I could blue...ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!

John's singing is cut short by the loud blows from Jack's spade, and the slicing sounds of Alfie's Garden fork.

I'm not sure. Something not quite working. Maybe you should do it as a musical?

To be honest,you could have made the same joke in about 5 lines.
Not sure whether it would have been much funnier, though.
In that length of script you'd need about 15 gags.

If this concept were given the right treatment, there's a very funny full-length feature film to be made from it.

The PC Brigade would whinge and whine but, as all right-thinking people know, the PC Brigade exists for no other reason but to whinge and whine. Indeed, if they had nothing to whinge and whine about they'd whinge and whine about having nothing to whinge and whine about.

Rational people, on the other hand, might flock to their cinemas in droves.

The 'hilarious' key to the film's success would be that it isn't biting that changes the straights to gays. That works for vampires but it wouldn't work here. I'll say no more about that as I'm sure you're already way ahead of me.

The most important thing of all is that, far from exposing gays and lesbians to ridicule and contempt, the film would demonstrate the considerable advantages to be enjoyed upon joining their ranks.

Men would be better dressed and women would have better orgasms for a start.

What would be the right treatment then?