BSG Sketch comp 24 - 30.11

I've gone over the results and wun'cha know it but Niteowl just scraped it by a whisker. Seriously mate you're a genius.

You win 10 big shiny points and the knowledge no one's ever monopolised the voting in the quite the same way before. PM me for next week's subject please.

Votes - Points - Name
10 (wow!) - 10 - Niteowl
01 - 5 - Frankie Rage
01 - 5 - Nigel Kelly

... And honourable mention to Badge and Charley for getting an honourable mention.

The new subject is M15, as in spying, chosen by Charley.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 30 November

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

55 - Baumski
40 - Jude
40 - Charley Rance
32 - Frankie
22 - Michael Monkhouse
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
17 - Fred Peters
15 - Leevil
15 - Dale
11 - David Chapman
11 - Steven
10 - Niteowl
10 - Swerytd
10 - Cinnamon
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Kent Pete
08 - Stylo
05 - Nigel Kelly
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Winterlight
01 - Batman

Spot any mistakes? PM me. Thanks

I'm going to post three one liners, because just one joke, be it good, it sometimes can't match up to a sketch which can have loads of jokes in it:

1. I tried my hand at spying a few years ago... Until she caught me.

2. Spying's a lot like having sex outside, it's hard work, you think you're as good as James Bond when your doing it. But most of the time you end up getting caught.

3. My top tips on being a spy are - Tuxedos just don't help you blend in - wearing a turban with a hidden camera in it when you're not Indian doesn’t work and your licence to kill needs validating every 2 months.

Okay - posting virgin and this is off the top of my head.

Scene 1 Interior MI5 offices - group of young nicely suited middle eastern men sit before M15 recruiting officer (RO) finishing his speech..

RO: Okay well the coaches are waiting downstairs to whisk you off to your orientation weekend. As I said before we sincerely hope that we will see some of you again for final interviews. As you know your imput as British Muslims is imperative in the fight against fundamentalism. As such we hope you will come back from orientation with the fervent desire to work with Her Majesty's Goverment in both the domestic and international arenas. It is vital that
all british communities come and work together to fight for the values that have made Great Britain a shining light of democracy. Now if you would follow downstairs to the coaches.

(two of the young men smile at each other in a knowing fashion).

Scene 2 Exterior A line has formed to get onto the coach. The RO is welecoming people as they board at the front.

RO: Thank you...next...yes plenty of space...

(he chuckles at something one of the boarders has said. The two young men are nervously moving up the line. Young man two has a coat over his arm with a hat in his hand.)

Young man one: Stop fidgeting my friend. You're doing fine.

Young man two straigtens up a bit. He looks more nervous than young man one. They get to the front of the line ..

RO(to young man one as he boards) Yes on you go it's only about two hours away.

Young man one (with a distinctly middle class accent) Only two hours that's not time at all is it.(he climbs aboard).

RO: not at all. (smiling he turns to welcome young man two) on you go.

(shots go into close up of faces. Young man two smiles and says nothing

RO: Good luck.

Young man two (loseing his cool and suddenly pulling a simitar out from under his jacket and screaming) DEATH TO THE INFIDEL.

Young man one: shit.......leg it.

THey push pass the RO and run off with various MI5 types following.

END

Basic idea being a modern version of The Great Escape.

Set of three short/connected sketches designed to run at different times in the same 30 minute sketch show.

All set in an interview room [ interview for MI5 ]

Interview One :

Interviewer, Mrs Shaw,late 50's, glasses, conservatively dressed.

Interviewee, Mr Saunders, mid 30's, dressed in a smart pin stripped suit.

Mrs Shaw : "OK, Mr Saunders, every thing seems to be fine. We now come to the vetting part of the interview. In our organisation we obviously have to be very careful who we employ as M15 officers can be open to blackmail if they have any secret's in their private lives. I hope you understand "

Mr Saunders nods agreeably.

Mrs Shaw : " Can I ask you, do you now, or have you ever in the past, slept with a man ?. Have you ever indulged in anal sex Mr Saunders ? "

Mr Saunders : "Yes I have, my partner Tony and I have rough penetrative sex at least three times a week."

Mrs Shaw [ looking very concerned ]: "Oh dear, I'm afraid I should tell you that could effect your application Mr Saunders."

Mr Saunders : " Oh no, sorry I should have explained, I'm gay you see "

Mrs Shaw [ relieved look on her face ]: " Oh I see, I'm so sorry Mr Saunders, that's fine, shall we continue "

Interview Two.

Same set up, same office, same two characters.

Camera only on Mrs Shaw at first,

Mrs Shaw [looking slightly concerned] : " OK Mr Saunders, you really have given me some good answers this afternoon. However I must come to one area that has raised some concerns..."

Camera turns to Mr Saunders. He has a thick beard and is dressed in a full length Laura Ashley dress.

Mr Saunders : " Oh no, I do apologize. I should have explained, I'm a transvestite you see "

Mrs Shaw [looking relieved] : "I'm so sorry Mr Saunders, I didn't know, that's fine, shall we continue ".

Interview Three

Same set up, same office, same two characters.

Camera only on Mrs Shaw at first,

Mrs Shaw [again looking slightly concerned] : " OK Mr Saunders, everything seems to be in order. However there is one thing that is bothering me, It says on your application form that you are married with three young children and yet...."

Camera turns to Mr Saunders who has a young secretary's head between his legs. She is obviously performing fellatio on the suited and booted interviewee.

Mr Saunders, [talking as sex act continues] : "Oh no, sorry I should have explained, I'm a total bastard as far as women are concerned. I shag anything me."

Mrs Shaw : "Oh I see. I'm so sorry Mr Saunders, shall we continue ".

Girl – 'So, may I ask, who this tall, stranger is standing beside me?’

Bond – 'The name’s Bond...James Bond’

Random man – (interrupting) 'Erm, I’m sorry to disturb you. I just couldn't help overhearing...'

Bond – 'Yes?'

Random man – 'Well I just heard you introduce yourself as James Bond...'

Bond – 'Yes?'

Random man – 'Well don’t you think that if you are an international spy, with the responsibility of keeping millions of people safe, don’t you think it’d be better if you probably didn’t say your name?' (pause) 'Let alone repeat it?'

Bond – 'Can’t you see I am busy here?' (Gestures towards the girl who is twiddling her thumbs)

Random – 'Yeah I’m sorry, it’s just why can’t you at least whisper your name, you know, or maybe make one up?'

Bond – 'Listen pal I have been doing this for many years, I think I have my technique down to a tee.' (Turns back to the girl).

Random walks away

Bond – 'Sorry, where were we? Oh yeah, I’ll have a Martini…Shaken not stirred' (winks at her).

Girl – 'Are you insane? This is an AA meeting. Get away from here you creep.'

INT.DAY. A MAN IS WATCHING TV AT HOME AND HIS WIFE RETURNS FROM A SHOPPING TRIP LADEN WITH BAGS.

MAN
Hello dear, enjoy your little jaunt to the shops?

WOMAN
Yes darling.. it was most productive.

MAN
You seem to have bought quite a lot today.. what exactly did you get?

WOMAN (taking items out one by one)
I got binoculars, radio transmitters, a false heel for my shoe, an ear piece, a hidden microphone, a pocket dictaphone,a pen that takes pictures, a trench coat.. and last but not least .. a large tub of ointment.

MAN
Why on earth have you bought all that?

WOMAN (now plastering herself with ointment)
Well darling.. you know how i adore those espionage programmes .. it's my new hobby - spying... and i've been bitten by the bug.

ENDS

MI5 SECRET HEADQUARTERS NEAR BATTERSEA BRIDGE. IN HIS OFFICE THE HEAD OF MI5 CALLS TWO OF HIS CHEIF INTELLIGENCE OFFICERS INTO HIS OFFICE.

HEAD: Thank you both for coming at such short notice

INTELLIGENCE OFFICER 1: No problem sir.

HEAD: It's just that the Prime Minister has just phoned me and asked me to look into the innaccuracies in our Iraqi weapons report.

INT OFF 1: Inaccuracies sir, I'm not sure I understand?

HEAD: Yes inaccurracies like the claim that the Iraqi's had weapons of mass destruction.

INT OFF 1: Ah yes. There was to be honest a little bit of a misunderstanding there. We thought you said "Mash"

INT OFF 2: Indeed we did sir.

HEAD: "Mash Destruction"?

INT OFF 1: Yes turns out that the Iraqi's had a terrifying ability to destroy potato's sir. Truely horrific.

INT OFF 2: Could have wiped out the King Edward within days sir.

HEAD: How exactly?

INT OFF 2: Bricks sir. We run tests in conjunction with the CIA and the results were catastrofic. Turns out the humble spud is no match against a simple house brick, or even a small boulder. And if there is one thing that the Iraqi's have its bricks and boulders sir.

HEAD: And what about these long range missile launchers you claimed were being built.

INT OFF 1: Another misunderstanding sir. Our satalite images were a little bit on the blurry side. Turns out they were trees.

HEAD: Some Trees?

INT OFF 2: Well not just some tree's sir. There were whole forests of them. If they were actually missile launchers the results would have been carnage.

HEAD: So missile launching tree's and dangerous pototo destruction. What about the claim that they could deploy and attack London in only forty-five minutes.

INT OFF 1: We stand by that sir. Skud missiles.

HEAD: But Skud missiles have a range of a few hundred kilometres. We're thousands of miles from Iraqi.

INT OFF 1: Well sir we did some thinking about that and wondered what if they launched them from closer to London?

HEAD: Where exactly?

INT OFF 2: Croydon.

HEAD: Croydon? How exactly do they get a Skud missile and its launcher into Croydon?

INT OFF 1: We thought possibly rolled up inside a carpet or something. Crafty these Iraqis sir!

INT OFF 2: In fact the latest top secret information from the Americans suggests the Iraqis are in fact very, very crafty.

HEAD: Hmmm I'm not sure the prime misiter is going to be very impressed.

INT OFF 1: Well we haven't even mentioned the suicide pidgeons yet sir.

TITLE SCREEN reads 'Cost Cuts at MI5 ... Part One'

Two MI5 men, ANDY and JACK are on surveillance in a park. ANDY is looking through binoculars.

ANDY (in hushed voice)
I've got eyeball on subject. Heading south, south west. Better call it in Jack

JACK reaches into the bushes, pulls out a tin can attached to a piece of string and speaks into it

JACK
Echo 1 to base. Subject is on the move. Request instructions

CAMERA follows the string from the can, through the bushes, across the park and into the window of a building (the COMMAND CENTRE)

CUT TO INTERIOR of busy command centre. The place is a mass of string, crisscrossed everywhere as operatives hold cans to their ears and mouths to transmit and receive messages. Some are using several cans at once, alternating between them. The BOSS is standing with a can to his ear, overseeing the operation with nods and gestures. He shifts the can to his mouth

BOSS
This is base to Echo 1. Hold your position. Transfering surveillance to Tango team. Stand by. (to one of the operatives close by) Do we have contact?

The operative nods and the BOSS puts his can down,runs his fingers through his hair and surveys the room. He spots two men in overalls, loitering in a corner eating baked beans straight from the tin

BOSS (marching over to them angrily)
Who the hell are you?

OVERALL MAN (moves aside to reveal a trolley loaded with tin openers, a washing up bowl and cans of beans.He raises his tin in a cheers gesture)
Technical support

END

INT/EXT. CAR - DAY
KARL and LUCY are sat in the car. KARL has binoculars, LUCY a notepad and pen.

KARL: 9:15pm. Target moves from the front door to garden gate. Carrying supicious black bag. Leaves bag.
BEAT.
Did you get that?

LUCY: No.
KARL: Why not?
LUCY: Because that was the bin man Karl.
KARL: Was it? I thought he was funnily dressed.
LUCY: You're thinking of clowns.
ENTER MR. GELD

GELD: Haha! I've got you now. Why have you been watching me?
LUCY: We haven't Mr Geld.
GELD: Then how do you know my name?
KARL: Your binman told us.
GELD: Eh? Are you two on drugs?
LUCY: We are officers of the law Mr. Geld.
GELD: So you're racists too! I'm going to report you to your superiors.
LUCY: Look, the truth is we're peeping toms.
GELD: I knew it! You're in trouble now.
MR. GELD EXITS.

KARL: Why did you tell him that?
LUCY: To give him a frame of reference. Nobody's ever heard of us.
KARL TUTS.
KARL: 9:24pm. Mrs. Bigguns is taking her bra off.

INT. HALLWAY. TWO MEN IN BUSINESS SUITS.

JERRY:
It's just not good enough, Troy..

TROY:
I'm truly sorry, Jerry..

JERRY:
You're the worst trainee I've ever had.. a spy that doesn't like secrets and won't tell a lie.. you're making me a laughing stock..

TROY:
I've said I'm sorry (PAUSE) perhaps if you set me another project.. mind you, I do find that most of the project work is a case of style over substance..

JERRY: (EXASPERATED)
Not that again..

TROY:
We-l-l.. the trenchcoats, the codes and passwords, the poison capsules, hiding in wardrobes.. everybody's watching everybody else all the time, so why do we bother with all this skulduggery anyway?

JERRY: (SHOCKED)
Troy! You're undermining the fundamentals of the MI5! Oh God, I hope no one's listening...

THE LETTERBOX RATTLES AND A LETTER LANDS ON THE MAT. JERRY PICKS IT UP.

JERRY:
It's from Personnel and marked 'Urgent', I'd better open it.. (OPENS LETTER AND READS) Oh, God they've revoked my training licence!

THE LETTERBOX RATTLES AGAIN AND A SMOKING PACKAGE LANDS ON THE MAT. THERE IS A LOUD EXPLOSION, LOTS OF SMOKE, FALLING MASONRY AND A MUFFLED VOICE.

TROY:
I'm truly sorry, Jerry!

END

This is rushed and improvised, so sorry for the presentation (and/or content).

Scene 1

Jeffrey Roebuck - a seventy year old spy - stands before his superior.

SUPERIOR
Here's your new mission Roebuck. It's a retirement home in Scarborough; nice place, lovely views. We want you to snoop around and send us back any information.

JEFFREY
Sounds good sir, but how will I contact you?

SUPERIOR
It is of course a highly sensitive mission, and so we suggest...the occasional postcard?

Scene 2

Jeffrey approaches the reception of a retirement home. He is wearing a false moustache.

JEFFREY
My name is uhh...Marcus Mcguiglian, I've booked a room.

RECEPTIONIST
Yes, certainly Mr Jeffries. I'll just show you there.

Compressed Scenes 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 - Music: 'After Wanda' - Paris Motel

We now see various scenes of Jeffrey dutifully snooping: watching other pensioners through a broadsheet and tipping 'suspicious' lunch food into a neighbours handbag. We then see him scribbling feverishly on a postcard. A genial looking vicar approaches and taps him on the shoulder, and he immediately springs backwards and throws a pill down his neck.
We see a coffin being prised open in a church funeral. There is a suited scarecrow inside.

Comp's over! Thanks to six billion crappy things to do I didn't have time to contribute this week, bah. Congratulations to everyone and remember to vote before Monday midnight please.

He he. At least we don't have to compete against you!! Keep busy!! Fx

Niteowl again. A funny idea that works all the way through with a great pay-off line.

Niteowl's was my favourite too.