The Mousetrap

THREE MICE (MICKEY, DICKIE & RICKY) ARE IN A CLASSROOM. THE TEACHER MOUSE STANDS IN FRONT OF A PROJECTOR SCREEN.

Teacher:
Right, today we are going to be discussing traps, and the first one we see here is called the classic trap

SCREEN SHOWS PICTURE OF NORMAL SPRUNG MOUSETRAP

Mickey:
Is that a piece of Cheese?.

Ricky:
Oh yeah! I do love a bit of Cheese.

Dickie:
It's a trap guys, pay attention

Teacher:
Exactly! The thing to remember here is not to focus on the cheese, just take a look at the big spring mechanism that will slice you in two

Dickie:
See I told you there's no such thing as free cheese

Ricky:
So we eat the cheese & then what?

Teacher:
No, No the trick here is to not to actually eat the cheese.

Dickie:
Because of the big springy slicey thing!

Mickey:
I understand what you're saying mate but that cheese does look nice.

Ricky:
Oy hands off, that's my cheese.

Teacher:
It's not any ones cheese, it's forbidden cheese are we all clear?

Ricky:
If you say so, I'll have to take your word for that.

Teacher:
Right, well ..the next trap I want to show you is called a Humane trap

PICTURE COMES UP OF A BLACK RECTANGULAR TUBE WITH A SLIGHT ANGLE AT THE END

Dickey:
Now I hardly think we'll be falling for that one.

Mickey:
There's not even any cheese

Teacher:
Well you can't see it here, but the Cheese is inside.

Ricky:
Now we're talking, How much cheese?

Dickie:
It doesn't matter mate, that's not the point.

Mickey:
He's right you know.. What type of cheese?

Teacher:
Basically the point of this is, once again not to eat the cheese.

Mickey
What do we do with it then?

Ricky:
It's not right to waste good cheese.

Teacher:
If you try to eat the cheese you may become entrapped & humanely drowned or hit with a brick.

Ricky:
Well in that case I think it's very important that we establish what kind of cheese it actually is.

Dickie:
You're an idiot!

Teacher:
Please, please this is really important, can we just concentrate on identifying these traps & trying to avoid them.

Mickey:
I hope they're providing lunch

Ricky:
If it's cheese & biscuits Mickey then you can have my biscuits.

Teacher:
If we can pay attention for a second I'd like to show you the final trap, perhaps the most deadly, and this trap doesn't even involve cheese

Mickey:
Well that's just silly.

Ricky:
Sorry I wasn't listening! What was that about cheese?

Teacher:
Gentleman, I present the Glue trap

PICTURE COMES UP OF A RECTANGLE WHITE PIECE OF CARDBOARD.

Mickey:
You wouldn't catch me dead in a trap like that.

Ricky:
Can we go back to the slide with the cheese on?

Teacher:
This is perhaps the deadliest trap of all, you try to walk over it & you get stuck.

Dickie:
Sir?

Teacher:
Yes Dickie?

Dickie:
Are we trapped on one of those right now?

Teacher: ( TRYING TO MOVE )
Well I didn't want to say anything but yes, I think we might be.

Dickie:
I knew it!

Mickey:
Oh well that's just terrific.

Ricky:
Hold on lads I may have a plan.

Dickie:
We don't have any cheese.

Ricky:
In that case I'm stumped.

Teacher:
Not yet, but you may have to be.

I like the dialogue alot but maybe some more context eg they're doing mouse gcses also the finak
l segment can be much shorter

Excellent dialogue; if looking for a trim anywhere I might be inclined to lose the lunch exchange.

I think I get the final gag, but it might need a bit more spelling out.

Steve this is a brilliant idea but it doesn't really make sense that we start in a mouse 'classroom' and end up stuck to a piece of paper in a human environment.

I think the 'lesson' on types of trap is good enough to stand as it is, with a different ending. I get the stumped joke but it's quite horrible and not really that funny.

The concept of a senior mouse educating younger mice about the dangers of traps is an easy one to grasp and a satisfying conceit I think you shouldn't try to take the audience away from this.

I'm with GT on this and it's funny dialogue!

Good stuff, Steve. But why not just make it a 3 part sketch runner about the mice and the different types of traps they're encountering? You can quite happily leave the whole classroom/teacher element out of it. You've got enough of a rhythm in the dialogue between the mice going on to not need another dimension to the idea.

Yep, agree with the above.

Brilliant dialogue and characterisation. (Saw it when you posted it earlier and was wondering what had happened to it!)

You probably started it in the wrong place if you want to do the end joke - as you say it's set in a classroom.

Does it need an end joke? Couldn't the mice just wander off in search of cheese and stumble into different traps? Not sure, but as I say, you really made the characters stand out - good one.

Cheers all, I appreciate the feedback.

The classroom setting & the punchline were both last minute additions, and don't really help when I look at it again So the comments were spot on as far as I'm concerned.

Thanks again.

What Godot sez and Tim's suggestion. Good stuff.

The 'cheesy' dialogue' was a bit Pythony but who cares. This labour was excellent. And the 'stumpy' stuff made me laugh - but I'm far less pickety and conservative thasn some of the others. Balder, too.

After the Critique
I rewrote this slightly with Radio in mind

Chief Mouse:
Right, now I've brought you all here for some safety training. As Mice we need to be up to date with all the different types of traps that the Humans set for us.

Ricky:
Why would they want to set traps, that just sounds mean. We're only Mice.

Chief Mouse:
Yes it is mean, but It's also fact of life so I have brought along some examples of the traps that you may encounter. This first one here on the table is called the classic sprung trap.

Vicky:
Is that a piece of Cheese?.

Ricky:
Oh yeah! I do love a bit of Cheese.

Dickie:
It's a trap guys, pay attention

Chief Mouse:
Exactly! The thing to remember here is not to focus on the cheese, just take a look at the big spring mechanism that will slice you in two

Dickie:
See I told you there's no such thing as free cheese

Ricky:
So we eat the cheese & then what?

Chief Mouse:
No, No the trick here is to not to actually eat the cheese.

Dickie:
Because of the big springy slicey thing!

Vicky:
I understand what you're saying mate but that cheese does look nice.

Ricky:
Oy hands off, that's my cheese.

Chief Mouse:
It's not any ones cheese, it's forbidden cheese are we all clear?

Ricky:
If you say so, I'll have to take your word for that.

Chief Mouse:
Right, well ..the next trap I want to show you here is called a Humane trap

Dickey:
Now I hardly think we'll be falling for that one.

Vicky:
There's not even any cheese

Chief Mouse:
Well you can't see it here, but the Cheese is inside.

Ricky:
Now we're talking, How much cheese?

Dickie:
It doesn't matter mate, that's not the point.

Vicky:
He's right you know.. What type of cheese?

Chief Mouse:
Basically the point of this is, once again not to eat the cheese.

Vicky
What do we do with it then?

Ricky:
It's not right to waste good cheese.

Chief Mouse:
If you try to eat the cheese you may become entrapped & humanely drowned or hit with a brick.

Ricky:
Well in that case I think it's very important that we establish what kind of cheese it actually is.

Dickie:
You're an idiot!

Chief Mouse:
Please, please this is really important, can we just concentrate on identifying these traps & trying to avoid them.

Vicky:
I hope they're providing lunch

Ricky:
If it's cheese & biscuits Vicky then you can have my biscuits.

Chief Mouse:
If we can pay attention for a second I'd like to show you the final trap, perhaps the most deadly, and this trap doesn't even involve cheese

Vicky:
Well that's just silly.

Ricky:
Sorry I wasn't listening! What was that about cheese?

Chief Mouse:
This one here Is called the Glue trap

Vicky:
You wouldn't catch me dead in a trap like that.

Ricky:
Can we go back to the trap with the cheese on?

Chief Mouse:
This is perhaps the deadliest trap of all, if you so much as touch it then you get stuck.

Dickie:
Chief?

Chief Mouse:
Yes Dickie?

Dickie:
Are you stuck to it right now?

Chief Mouse: ( TRYING TO MOVE )
Well I didn't want to say anything but yes, In hindsight it wasn't a good idea to pick it up to show everyone. This might be a good time to break for lunch.

Ricky:
At last! All this talk about Cheese has made me hungry yum yum yum OOOUCH

Vicky:
No don't take the Cheese from there take it from here --- ooops... Help!

Dickie:
It's just my opinion Chief but next time we have a training course I think we should just try a Powerpoint presentation.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ October 31 2010, 8:18 PM GMT

Cheers all, I appreciate the feedback.

The classroom setting & the punchline were both last minute additions, and don't really help when I look at it again So the comments were spot on as far as I'm concerned.

Thanks again.

View original

Methinx you were influenced by a certain current Advert on the tellie about home insulation. It has a mouse teacher describing access aspects in an insulated home.

Good sketch. Much prefer the 2nd ending to the 1st.

Quote: billwill @ December 12 2010, 11:24 PM GMT

Methinx you were influenced by a certain current Advert on the tellie about home insulation. It has a mouse teacher describing access aspects in an insulated home.

View original

Nope
Haven't seen it.

Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ December 13 2010, 11:10 AM GMT

Good sketch. Much prefer the 2nd ending to the 1st.

View original

Cheers Yacob

Much better ending.

Can I suggest a very slight rewrite to avoid clunkiness:

Chief Mouse:
Perhaps the deadliest trap of all is THIS. if you so much as touch it then you get stuck.

Dickie:
Chief?

Chief Mouse:
Yes Dickie?

Dickie:
Are you stuck to it right now?

Chief Mouse: ( TRYING TO MOVE )
Well I didn't want to say anything but yes, in hindsight it might have been better to have pointed with a stick. This might be a good time to break for lunch.