Premature

Not sure if I've posted this before but I'm planning on filming it soon, so I'm quite interested in what you lovely people think of it

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

A lad and a girl are sat on a bed next to each other kissing passionately. Still kissing, she removes his jacket and then he removes her cardigan. The lad runs a hand slowly up the girl's thigh under her skirt and she gasps in pleasure. Suddenly she screams in ecstasy. A fetus falls out from under her skirt onto the floor with a splat. The lad jumps up in disgust.

GIRL
Oh my god, I'm so sorry! This has never happened to me before!

LAD
Is that a f**king baby??

GIRL
How embarrassing!

That's very good.

Shocking, concise and - most important of all - funny!

Glad you liked it. Thanks

Hate to be a little bumper but some more opinions would be greatly appreciated since I'm shooting it soonish.

Liked it....

Short, punchy and a little sick

Could be an advert for something.....not condoms

maybe for a school sex education presentation....probably initiate some serious questions from the students and scare the s...t out of the rest

I like this too but not sure if it works as well as it could. Without the title it might be a stretch to work out what's going on. Good though so worth tweaking before you film it.

Yeah when I first wrote it it crossed my mind that without the title it could be difficult to get it, so I added the lines with the girl's embarrassment to try and make it more obvious what I was going for. You don't think that goes far enough though?

Either way, it's going on YouTube primarily so the title will be there, and if I can't come up with a way of making it more obvious inside the sketch I can always put the title in the video at the start or something.

Cheers

Premature Ejection???????

Maybe too obvious?

It's the sheer implausibilty of the final line that makes this script funny and hopefully renders it acceptable to all open-minded comedy fans.

Without that line, it might be seen as an unsuccessful attempt by an immature boy-writer to get laughs from other immature boys by writing about matters which get laughs only from those too young to understand them.

As it stands though, it's good.

I think "Premature" is as succinct a title as I can have for it without giving too much away.

Cheers for the comments.