Alien Abduction

INT. WHITE ROOM .

DREAM SEQUENCE.

The blurry faces of aliens move in and out of focus. The sound of a man screaming can be heard.

CUT TO

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT.

An Alien (MARK), awakens suddenly and sits bolt upright in bed. Next to him asleep is his wife (DONNA).

MARK:
No!

DONNA wakes up.

DONNA:
Oh Mark. Again?

MARK nods.

DONNA (CONT'D):
You really should talk to someone. You need to deal with it.

MARK:
Don't be ridiculous Donna. Who would believe me? Funny, I always laughed when I heard the stories about being boarded by humans.

DONNA:
It's my fault. I should have never let you go camping on Earth.

MARK:
I should have taken him to my leader? He'd've known what to do.

DONNA:
What, Carl Adams, your team manager?

MARK:
No no, Carl Bruger I think. Area Supervisor.

DONNA:
Oh right. Makes sense yeah.

MARK:
Tell you what though, I've a good mind to go back and make him clean the fishing rod. medical probe indeed...I'm not even a doctor.

MARK curls up in DONNA'S arms she gently strokes his head as he closes his eyes.

DONNA
(sings the close encounters notes as if it's a lullaby)
Da da da...da da.

END.

Its a good idea but it feels like I need to know a little more about what actually happened'''

Thanks Sooty. Do you think it would benefit from a change of setting? although I like the early reveal from the dream bit.

No setting good, more like a weepy alien with a horrible supressed memory?

sort of imitating all the abduction cliches

That's kind of how this one started out but felt a little clunky so edited down to this, maybe should try harder with the fuller version.

It's a nice reversal, but it doesn't quite make enough sense as it stands in my opinion

I love this idea and Soots is spot on with the weepy, suppressed memories. The fishing rod joke is a bit diluted, maybe make that more obvious, I can see him being angry / inconsolable about what happened.

I liked taking him to the leader 'Carl'.

'Boarded' by humans didn't sound right.

That was one of those sketches where I was a bit confused and had to re-read from the start to get all the references. That might be me being a bit slow of course. Anyway once I had fully got it it was clever and funny, and the fishing rod line got a laugh even on a first reading.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ October 22 2010, 8:01 PM BST

It's a nice reversal, but it doesn't quite make enough sense as it stands in my opinion

View original

Yeah I think I need to refine this quite bait to make it as good as thought it would be.

Quote: AngieBaby @ October 22 2010, 10:36 PM BST

I love this idea and Soots is spot on with the weepy, suppressed memories. The fishing rod joke is a bit diluted, maybe make that more obvious, I can see him being angry / inconsolable about what happened.

I liked taking him to the leader 'Carl'.

'Boarded' by humans didn't sound right.

View original

Thanks AngieBaby. I need to strengthen the characterisation. I know hat you mean about the "boarded" reference but I couldn't think of a better term at the time.

Quote: Timbo @ October 22 2010, 11:09 PM BST

That was one of those sketches where I was a bit confused and had to re-read from the start to get all the references. That might be me being a bit slow of course. Anyway once I had fully got it it was clever and funny, and the fishing rod line got a laugh even on a first reading.

View original

You're not being slow Timbo. Most of the comments hint at a little confusion so I'm not doing my job properly. Thanks for all the helpful feedback guys. Much appreciated.