Stand Up sketch

UPDATE: DRAFT 3

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

OPEN MIC COMEDY SHOT FROM A HAND-HELD VIDEO CAMERA AT THE BACK OF THE CLUB. AN OLD-FASHIONED, '80's WORKING MEN'S COMIC TAKES TO THE STAGE WITH A BEAR HAND PUPPET.

COMIC:
Hi folks, it's nice to be here tonight. Hey, does anyone know Hitler's least favourite planet?
(THROUGH PUPPET) Jew-piter.

THE COMIC'S BOW-TIE SPINS WITH A LOUD "WHIZZ".

COMIC:
(TO PUPPET) Ha, that's right, Teddy!

THE CROWD SHUFFLES AWKWARDLY AND JEER.

COMIC (CONT):
How many black fellas does it take to change a lightbulb?
(THROUGH PUPPET)Who cares - send em all home and give 'em a candle I say!

HIS BOW-TIE SPINS AGAIN. THERE'S BOOING FROM THE CROWD.

COMIC (CONT):
Sounds to me like we've got a lot of Guardian readers in tonight, Teddy. Maybe they'll like this one - what's the difference between a Pakistani and a Muslim?
(THROUGH PUPPET) Not much to me, I hate the bloody lot of 'em!

LOUD BOOING NOW. CRIES OF "GET OFF". THE COMIC'S WHIZZY BOW-TIE GOES INTO OVERDRIVE --

-- ACCIDENTALLY SEVERING HIS CARTOID ARTERY CAUSING HOT ARCS OF BLOOD TO JET INTO THE SURPRISED CROWD. THE COMIC SLAPS HIS PUPPET OVER THE WOUND TO STEM THE FLOW BUT IT'S TOO LATE - HE CRUMPLES TO THE FLOOR IN A POOL OF HIS OWN BLOOD, GURGLING HIS LAST.

A BEAT, THEN --

-- A HUGE ROAR AS THE AUDIENCE LEAP TO THEIR FEET IN APPLAUSE.

END SKETCH

The end doesn't justify the means. Was this just an excuse to use those gags?

Quote: Leevil @ October 20 2010, 11:14 AM BST

The end doesn't justify the means. Was this just an excuse to use those gags?

View original

You don't think? I reckon seeing the guy's head hitting the floor in a mess of blood and a room full of people spontaneously applauding his death would give a pretty clear idea of where the writer stands on the matter of racist jokes (particularly if it's shot as a piece of found footage, which is what I had in mind).

Those aren't my jokes BTW, just gags I culled from the net. The dilemma for me was how strong I choose to go. It seemed half-arsed to sugar coat it if I was going to murder the guy.

I agree the jokes are a bit too mean and could be misconstrued as you using the punch to justify the gags. That or a PC slap the racist sketch.

Maybe if he f**ks the jokes?up?

You see, here's where we learn how important the Action part of a script is.

Your original description is he "-- AND SHEARS HIS HEAD CLEAN OFF."

But the second description you've gave is much better I thought. It makes a lot of difference to the outcome. Because I imagined the original punchline looking quite cartoony and quick, compared to the awkwardness of the setup.

Also those jokes are a bit ripe, maybe if you wrote some yourself you.
'd own them more?

Quote: sootyj @ October 20 2010, 11:29 AM BST

I agree the jokes are a bit too mean and could be misconstrued as you using the punch to justify the gags. That or a PC slap the racist sketch.

Maybe if he f**ks the jokes?up?

View original

Not sure about that. I think he needs to be mean more than hapless if I'm going to have the guy pay so dearly for his sins. I could probably stand to water the gags down a little bit though. Does anyone know of any offensive gags that aren't so offensive?

Quote: Leevil @ October 20 2010, 11:29 AM BST

You see, here's where we learn how important the Action part of a script is.

Your original description is he "-- AND SHEARS HIS HEAD CLEAN OFF."

But the second description you've gave is much better I thought. It makes a lot of difference to the outcome. Because I imagined the original punchline looking quite cartoony and quick, compared to the awkwardness of the setup.

View original

I'm not sure exactly what you mean here - I've only written one draft.

Your second paragraph raises a good point though - that the death is too cartoony for the setup and should be modified. How about instead of taking his head off the bow-tie severs his cartoid, sending hot jets of blood into the crowd before the comic crimples breathlessly to the floor?

Quote: David Bussell @ October 20 2010, 11:37 AM BST

Does anyone know of any offensive gags that aren't so offensive?

View original

David, you c**t (to quote Godot). I'm sure you have the talent to justify any gag. I don't think these gags are the problem (in this sketch) but it all depends on how you betray them and the comic. Have the audience react more with heckles n such.

Quote: sootyj @ October 20 2010, 11:35 AM BST

Also those jokes are a bit ripe, maybe if you wrote some yourself you.
'd own them more?

View original

I think the fact that they're old and predjudiced makes them even worse, which is exactly what I'm after.

Quote: David Bussell @ October 20 2010, 11:41 AM BST

I'm not sure exactly what you mean here - I've only written one draft.

View original

Your script and then reply to me describing the punchline were different. Clean cut / bloody mess.

Whats the diference between a clown and a catholic priest? less white wash on a 10 year olds face

Whats black, got 6 holes and isnt singing anymore?
gamu next week.

Why do necrophiliacs hang around stonings?
to get the rocks off the women

*cuts soots head clean off*

Quote: sootyj @ October 20 2010, 11:52 AM BST

Whats the diference between a clown and a catholic priest? less white wash on a 10 year olds face

Whats black, got 6 holes and isnt singing anymore?
gamu next week.

Why do necrophiliacs hang around stonings?
to get the rocks off the women

View original

Cheers, soots. See, my problem with writing jokes like that is that I'd have to actually sit down and write them. And the end effect, I think, is to give the impression that I'm the sort of person who enjoys writing jokes like this. I still say stale old internet forward style jokes are the way to go. But perhaps not quite so offensive as the ones I picked.

Quote: Leevil @ October 20 2010, 11:44 AM BST

Your script and then reply to me describing the punchline were different. Clean cut / bloody mess.

View original

Ah, I see.

Whats the diference between f**king and rsping Leevil?

He deserves one and gets the other

Quote: David Bussell @ October 20 2010, 11:57 AM BST

Cheers, soots. See, my problem with writing jokes like that is that I'd have to actually sit down and write them. And the end effect, I think, is to give the impression that I'm the sort of person who enjoys writing jokes like this. I still say stale old internet forward style jokes are the way to go. But perhaps not quite so offensive as the ones I picked.

Ah, I see.

View original

I think old jokes are the most perfect cliches and can slow thinfs up a bit

hence with Funster Frank one of my jokes is how he screws them up

Quote: David Bussell @ October 20 2010, 11:57 AM BST

Cheers, soots. See, my problem with writing jokes like that is that I'd have to actually sit down and write them. And the end effect, I think, is to give the impression that I'm the sort of person who enjoys writing jokes like this. I still say stale old internet forward style jokes are the way to go. But perhaps not quite so offensive as the ones I picked.

View original

Why not be really clever and write jokes that weave into the sketch? You can be ironic, post-ironic, post-modern, postman Pat and have a fully fleshed out sketch.

Think about John Thompson's Bernard Righton. He doesn't just tell un-PC jokes in a funny way. He makes them relevant, clever and interesting. He hasn't just plucked out random jokes, he wrote them specifically for the set.

I think you need to write your own, make them clever double bluffs. Don't be afraid ma'an!