Some Stand up things...

Just wanted to know if some of these are alright.. I don't yet know which order I would put them in/ if they are suitable for an open mic. Any help at all would be appreciated!

Hi there, nice to be here.. you know its quite weird actually, wherever I go people will always stop me and tell me that I look like *pause* a prick

Does anyone watch that show 'Raven'? Where the kids all have to do little challenges in order to win stars?
Well I saw an episode the other day and they had replaced Raven with some other guy and they had a paraplegic child on there and his challenge was to 'swim across the stream'
"SWIM BOY, SWIM!" "I CANT!"
But they soon realised it and apologised.. Still think he was taking the piss a bit cause he left him in the wheel chair on a rocky edge that had just a slight slope..

But you can't watch anything these days without those bloody breaks.

You see those little black and white stripes in the corner on ITV don't you?

[Little black and white stripes]: Yeahhh we're here, you're f**ked now!
Vertical bastards.

Oh and how long has that bloody Churchill advert been on? What I want to know is - why haven't that family got car insurance yet? They seem so surprised every time they see a new deal on a billboard... They live with the f**king dog!!

It must be all he talks about? You can imagine one of those really awkward dinner conversations - you know the ones where everyone sits in silence trying not to eat too loudly and you're too afraid to go for a drink incase its not within the expected range of decibels..

[Churchill]: So did you know you ca -
[Man]: JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP CHURCHILL!

Well, in all seriousness they are going to have to spice it up a bit. They need something a bit better rather than Rolf Harris. I'm thinking Churchill has to get really rude. You know like reeeeallly f**king rude.

[Man]: Hey, Churchill, is it true that I ca -
[Churchill]: Oh f**k off will ya?

Or maybe even better,

[Man]: Churchill is it true that I can get cheaper car insurance if I have 4 years no claims?
[Churchill]: Ohhhh yes!
[Woman]: Well, I wouldnt believe him. He told me that you smeared peanut butter into your balls and got him to lick it off when I was out!
[Man]: *guilty look*

...Lying bastard.

*And a totally inappropriate joke:

So Im doing this girl, right? And my condom splits.. So Im thinking f**k that - you know- I ain't riskin' no baby!
So I said:

Mum, I can't do this anymore. Grandad stop filming and finish her off.

Alright if you pictured your own family members there.. you;re half way there! A lot of money in incest you know. A lot of money.. Ahh that'll be a nice car journey home for you lot.

You will be sitting in the car until one of you breaks the silence with 'Was that man lying when he said there was good money in incest? - I was just joking! haha, didn't really think I would..contemplate..'

Okay, Juan - do you want the good news or the bad news?

The good news is that you've got the unfeasibly large testicles necessary to post material like that on the BCG Critique Forum where most people appear to prefer gentle non-provocative comedy, mild political satire and the occasional knob gag. They will almost certainly find your comedy in appallingly bad taste but such gonads will serve you well in your comedy career.

The bad news is that you'll die stone-cold-dead on your arse if you try that material at any comedy venue on Earth.

There are many ways to lose an audience irretrievably but an opening joke about a paraplegic child is among the most reliable I know.

You then say "You can't watch anything these days without those bloody breaks" but I think you'll find you can - on BBC1, BBC2, BBC3 and BBC4. Even if that were not the case, many people look forward to the breaks as it allows them to brew up or go for a pee or whatever. I honestly don't know anyone who dislikes breaks in programmes.

You then say "Oh and how long has that bloody Churchill advert been on? What I want to know is - why haven't that family got car insurance yet? They seem so surprised every time they see a new deal on a billboard... They live with the f**king dog!!" but the fact is they don't live with him. As far as I can see, he's talking to different people in every advert - which pretty much kills that part of your set.

And the incest joke? It'll embarrass the audience but not as much as it'll embarrass you as you leave the stage to the sound of your own footsteps. It's nowhere near funny enough to overcome its abusive crudity. I say 'abusive' because it abuses the audience's trust that you won't cause serious offence to the innocent people in that audience.

So, all in all, I'd think again.

Juan - a lot of this feels very familiar and old (the Rolf Harris thing dates it, and I remember the reference to Raven because I had to look it up last time as well). In fact I'm sure it's been posted before. I hope it was by you.

Ming - I agree with what you say here, but I have no idea why you keep inventing personas and replying to yourself. It's a tedious waste of time for everyone. I think you provide a lot of genuinely good advice and comments but you do wreck it somewhat by creating imaginary arguments for the sake of proving a point that only you think is true. I have suggested the idea of a Roodeye amnesty thread in the past, and I'd love you to stay and be constructive. But I'm sure you would agree that it is annoying for anybody to bother responding to a thread only to find that it wasn't a genuine post in the first place. I don't want to stop you giving your excellent advice, so here's a suggestion: any of your future threads that are invented for the purposes of you talking to yourself, please preface them with "THIS THREAD IS WASTING EVERYBODY'S TIME".

It's only a suggestion, mind. If you don't agree, keep on as usual.

Badge,

I know you're a decent bloke but I fear your posting will have done a great deal of harm - not to me but to Juan of a Kind, whose BCG career and friendships you have quite possibly killed off at a single stroke.

Juan of a Kind is an active poster of comedic bits and bobs, and his postings are well-received by many BCG members who clearly believe him to be a pleasant and funny(ish) guy.

You are known (I believe) as an intelligent man who doesn't go around stirring up trouble for the sake of it and so any accusation you make on this site will quite properly be given serious consideration.

Under normal circumstances, that would be a good thing but, in this particular circumstance, it's a tragedy. When your accusation is seen by others, many of them will suddenly find Juan's work no longer funny and will either ignore his postings or follow them with claims that his humour suddenly and inexplicably does nothing for them.

Essentially, Badge, I think you've just destroyed the poor guy.

I may very well be one of a kind but I'm certainly not 'Juan' of a kind.

Other the the venerable Ming's and Badge's valuable observations I have couple of
bits of negativty for you to consider. It wasn't very funny and it didn't seem
very original; Other than that, I admire your testicularaties. Besta luck.

You know what, despite the negative comments on here, some of this is slavagable. But, as with all freshly written and untested material, you will need to cut out a lot of guff.

Firstly, drop the disabled child and incest gags. They're just not funny, and I've tried to rework them and I'm struggling.

In my usual presumptuous, self indulgent style, I have done a brief rewrite of some for you as an example. I'm not sorry if I look like a dick.

I like the personification of the advert warning square, but the build up is flawed. You need to change it to something like "I watch a lot of TV, but I really hate the number of advert breaks in my favourite shows"

And from there, your Churchill lead in is flawed too. Change that to. "I especially hate those Churchill adverts that have been aired for the last million years. I hate him. He's a bastard. What would he be like to live with? (apart from his likely bowel problems due to canine obesity). Imagine sitting at the dinner table with him?

[Man]: Churchill is it true that I can get cheaper car insurance if I have 4 years no claims?
[Churchill]: Ohhhh yes!
[Woman]: Well, I wouldn't believe him. He told me that you smeared peanut butter into your balls and got him to lick it off when I was out!
[Man]: *guilty look*
..... ((Pause for effect- leave it as long as you dare, this will build up the tension before you punch))
[Churchill]: So did you know you ca -
[Man]: JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP CHURCHILL!

I see Juan of a Kind has not yet responded to the accusation that he and I are one and the same (do you see what I did there?).

Perhaps even more significant is the absence of comment from anybody else.

If any impartial member harbours similar suspicions, I'll almost certainly hang myself.

I always give Juan feedback and he never comments afterwards I don't know if he actually wants critiques or wants to just show off.

I really don't know what to make of Badge's accusation.

Does he think I've invented 'Juan of a Kind' and I'm posting what I consider to be funny material?

If so, I'm deeply wounded.

Does he think I've invented 'Juan of a Kind' and I'm posting what I consider to be second-rate material?

If so, I'm okay with that.

Don't be mean, Ming. [/futile]

I tell you, Nat! There are some very bright people on this site who have somehow abandoned all their intellectual faculties in order to form the most staggeringly inaccurate images of me but 'me being Juan' is a real classic.

It seems clear nobody agrees with Badge: if they did, they'd be slithering out from beneath every stone to lay down the evidence on this thread.

I believe you. So offer Juan something constructive other than labelling it 2nd rate

I thought it a strange comment to make [Badge's]and even if it were true, what does it matter?

Quote: Nat Wicks @ October 21 2010, 3:06 PM BST

So offer Juan something constructive other than labelling it 2nd rate

View original

'Second rate' isn't a put-down.

In using the term, I mean nothing worse than that his comedy is not in the top echelon.

He has plenty of widely-respected company in that division and, if he looks downward from that position, he'll see many beneath him.

Your face is 2nd rate.