Chef Wars

David Cameron and Ed Milliband are working as chefs in a restaurant.

David: And now for the meat.

David get's out a chainsaw and wildly hacks away at the pork joint on the counter, with meat flying everywhere.

Ed: How many times David, that's not how you cut. You need to go about this in a controlled, responsible manner.

David: Okay then Ed, let's see how you would do it?

Ed gets out a small knife

Ed: Slow, smooth cuts. We mustn't put the whole loaf in jeopardy!!

Ed is cutting but no meat is actually coming off. It is obvious the knife is blunt.

David: I swear that loaf is getting bigger Ed.

Ed: It is not.

David: Look, there's only one way we can solve this.

Ed: How?

David: We'll ask the waiter.

David gets out a bell and rings it.

David: Oi, Nick!!

Nick Clegg comes running into the kitchen.

Nick: You rang?

David: Which method do you think best serves our customers?

David once more wildly hacks away at the loaf, meat flying about in all directions.

Ed: Or......

Ed again starts cutting with his blunt knife.

Ed: Slow and smooth, slow and smooth, slow and smooth.

David: Well Nick?

Nick: Whose the head chef?

Ed: He is.

Nick: His then.

David: In your face Milliband.

Nick: I don't think it matters much though.

Ed: How come?

Nick: All our customer's have buggered off to that Canadian restaurant next door.

I like the idea of the first half or so of this, but for me the sketch is finished once you have shown the two approaches to cutting. The Nick Clegg thing doesn't really work for me as it's a bit tame. Although that could be because Sootyj's marvellous cat in a bin gag was, for me, the last word on the Con-Lib pact.

Perhaps a more accurate representation of Labour's cuts would be Milliband actually slicing the bread, but then replacing the slices within the loaf as most of Labour's spending (did they even do cuts?) was announced about 7 times to make it look more impressive.