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Another short I did a while back. I have re-written it and looing for some ideas to give it that 'oomph' Not sure if it has more legs or not

INT - OFFICE - STEVE IS LEANING OVER HIS DESK SCRUTINISING THE NEWSPAPER. LAURA SITS OPPOSITTE

STEVE:It just doesn't read well.

LAURA:It's fine

STEVE:It doesn't stand out enough.

LAURA:There's nothing wrong with it!

STEVE:Could we do something with the design? .

LAURA:Like what?

STEVE:Add some colour?

LAURA:I don't think -

STEVE:- brighten it up?

LAURA:No!

STEVE:What about the headline?

LAURA:I am fine with 'died peacefully'

END

It's too jaded to even light up my low wattage humour. Maybe a brighter spark will be able to assist. Good luckage.

Have I read this before?

Anyways, I like it. Well done.

Quote: Leevil @ October 6 2010, 4:42 PM BST

Have I read this before?

Anyways, I like it. Well done.

View original

i think you did. The original version had a lot of rhyming in it which didnt really work.