Baby Cow Neanderthal Reject

Not sure about the formatting. Or the Max Bygraves catchphrase ....

SCENE 1. INT. SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM. 1956.

Father (side-parted and brylcreemed hair, waistcoat,
cigarette) and Mother (knitting) sit in a Nineteen
Fifties living room. Tommy Steele's hit song 'Rock
with the Caveman' blares out from upstairs.

TOMMY STEELE: (From Upstairs) "Rock with the caveman.
Roll with the caveman."

FATHER: That's the hundredth time she's played that
Rock'n'Rubbish record. I didn't fight Germans just
so's my daughter could send me back to the flippin'
Stone Age.

Mother replies as Father hurries out of the room.

MOTHER: Carole's having a bath. She's put her record
player on repeat play.

SCENE 2. INT. THE LANDING

TOMMY STEELE: (From bedroom) "Stalactite, stalagmite,
hold your baby very tight."

Father storms into his daughter's bedroom. But he
seems to be entering a Neanderthal camp.

DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE 3. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP.

A group of Neanderthals (animal skins, painted faces,
etc) congregate around a dead fire. They are
frantically blowing the ashes and fanning with large
leaves to try to get the fire to burn again.
Desperation can be seen in their eyes. Father enters
the camp from a thicket. The Neanderthals all turn
round to examine him. A rather bemused father takes a
puff on his cigarette. The Neanderthals are amazed by
this mastery of fire. They prostrate themselves before
him. Father offers the Neanderthals' apparent Chief a
puff on his cigarette. The Chief ceremoniously takes
the cigarette, passes it to the Neanderthal Fire
Keeper who uses it to re-ignite the fire.

NEANDERTHALS: Uuurrhh! (Subtitled "Fire!")

SCENE 4. INT. NEANDERTHAL CAVE. (MONTAGE)

Father is ensconced in a cave. A choice of nubile
Neanderthal girls is offered to him.

SCENE 5. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP. (MONTAGE)

Cold winter. Father has fur skins over his fifties
clothing. The Neanderthals have now greased their hair
into a side parting like Father's. They have made a
Snowman. Neanderthal children play around it.

SCENE 6. INT. NEANDERTHAL CAVE. (MONTAGE)

Father is ensconced in his cave. It has three flying
duck-like birds painted on the wall.

SCENE 7. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP. (MONTAGE)

Hot summer. Father, now with longer hair, has rolled
up trousers, braces and a knotted handkerchief on his
head. The Neanderthals have imitated him with knotted
leaves on their heads and rolled-up skins covering
their legs. Neanderthal children play - two smaller
children have much fairer hair than the others.

SCENE 8. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP.

The Communal fire burns. Neanderthals are
unsuccessfully rubbing sticks together to try and
create fire. Father now has long hair.

FATHER: Come on, you perishers. You need to be able to
create your own ruddy fire.

SCENE 9. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP. (MONTAGE)

The children play. One fair-haired child kneels behind
a Neanderthal child while the other fair-headed child
pushes them over.

SCENE 10. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP.

The Neanderthals play an improvised game of cricket
with bones and coconuts. The Neanderthal bowler makes
an exaggerated appeal.

NEANDERTHAL: Uhl! Beee! Wurr! (Subtitled "LBW!")

SCENE 11. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP.

Neanderthals demonstrate a new mastery of fire -
lighting small fires by rubbing sticks together.
There's joyous celebration. The chief shouts to Father
at the edge of the camp.

NEANDERTHAL CHIEF: A good idea (beat) son. (subtitled "A
good idea - son.")

Unobserved, Father leaves the camp by the thicket; he
seems to be entering the bedroom.

DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE12. INT BEDROOM.

TOMMY STEELE: (From Record Player) "Shake with the
Caveman."

Father's looks like he did originally. He stares at
the Dansette record player. The arm is retracted for
repeat play; a 78rpm disk plays. He lifts the needle;
the music stops.

SCENE 13. INT LIVING ROOM.

Father enters. Mother looks up from her knitting.

MOTHER: You need a haircut, Pa.

Father looks distracted.

FATHER: You know, Ma, I think I just might be the
Missing Link.

Since we're posting rejects...

INT. TEENAGER’S BEDROOM - DAY

A 50s DAD barges into the room, slacks swishing at his sides. He stabs the air with a rolled up porno magazine.

DAD
What do you call this?

SON
Urgh.

Reveal his SON - a bona fide caveman - matted hair, scraping knuckles and wooden club.

DAD
Is that all you have to say? You think your mother enjoyed finding this...trash? What’s wrong with you? I thought you were going steady with that Benson kid down the street.

SON
Durh.

DAD
Don’t you sass me, kiddo!

SON
Rungh!

DAD
Listen to yourself, talking to your old man like you’re some big shot when your voice hasn’t even broken yet.

He shakes his head, perches on the edge of the bed and stokes a pipe.

DAD (CONT’D)
I know you think I’m being hard on you, son, but I’m doing this for your own good. Maybe it’s time we had a… talk about some things.

SON
Ungh.

DAD
Don’t be a pill now, boy.

SON
Ook! Ook!

DAD
I understand, I really do. This is a confusing time for you. Hormones running wild, strange new urges, hair in unexpected places...

SON
GURGH!
He bashes himself repeatedly in the face with his club.

DAD
Suit yourself then, smart guy! Just don’t you come running to me when you need money for that T-Bird you want so bad.

He SLAMS the door behind him.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Not so much a house as a cave, albeit one with a polished wooden door and a neatly manicured lawn.

Dad lights his pipe.

A figure squats by a rose bed.

DAD
He gets it from you, I swear.

The figure - a Neanderthal in an apron - turns to him, gardening trowel in hand. She pulls a quizzical expression, picks a flea from her shoulder and pops it in her mouth.

MOTHER
Urngh.

FADE OUT.

Here's ours.

SIR ALF RAMSEY GIVES A PEP TALK TO A SMALL CROWD OF NEANDERTHALS WHO ARE DRESSED IN ENGLAND FOOTBALL KITS AND WIELDING CLUBS.

SIR ALF
When I said the only way England could win the World Cup was to go back in time and train our ancestors from scratch, people thought I was barking mad … and by God, they were right.

SIR ALF LIFTS A LEG AND CROWS LIKE A ROOSTER. THE NEANDERTHALS GLANCE NERVOUSLY AT EACH OTHER. SOME SNIFFLE AND SNEEZE.

SIR ALF
We English invented… er… (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH AS IF IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE) will invent football but, from where I come, the game is dominated by countries that don’t even speak English. What do you say to that, lads?

THE TEAM SHOUT UNINTELLIGIBLE GRUNTS AND PRIMEVAL WORDS.

SIR ALF
Exactly. You, number four, go collect some woolly… woolly…

FOUR
Mammoth?

SIR ALF
No, jumpers. For goalposts. And discipline. From now on, clubbing is out. And I’m looking at you, number five.

FIVE STOPS HITTING A TEAM MATE WITH A CLUB AND BLUSHES GUILTILY.

SIR ALF
And no late nights at the local watering hole. We lost another wing-half to crocodiles last night. Now, diet. Roots and berries are out. When was the last time hunter-gatherers lifted the FA cup, eh? (THE TEAM RAISE HANDS) Excluding Cardiff City. (THE TEAM LOWER HANDS) From now on, it’s fry-ups round the clock and hot lard toddies before matches. Six, haven’t you finished inflating that pig’s bladder yet?

AN INFLATED PIG ZIGZAGS THROUGH THE AIR, WHISTLING LIKE A DEFLATING BALLOON. SIX, WITH A STRAW IN HIS MOUTH, SNEEZES.

SIR ALF
I’ll take that as a no. We’ll just have to wait for the rhino eggs to arrive.

THE TEAM LOOK CONFUSED. A DISTANT BELLOW AND CHARGING FEET END IN A MAN’S LONG SCREAM. THE TEAM FOLLOW THE SCREAM IN AN ARC THROUGH THE AIR.

SIR ALF
Hmm. Okay then, let’s try these dodo eggs instead.

SIR ALF TOSSES A LARGE EGG AT FIVE. FIVE HEADS IT AND THE EGG SHATTERS, COVERING THE TEAM IN YOLK.

SIR ALF
Not to worry, there’s plenty more where these came from. Right, has catering got the pies on? (THE TEAM NOD) Good, they should be ready by nineteen-fifty.

FIVE
P.M?

SIR ALF
No, A.D. And Two, stop sneezing. It’s just a cold. I had it last week and –

TWO COLLAPSES. THE TEAM GATHER AROUND TWO.

FIVE
He’s dead.

SIR ALF
Dead? But it was only a common cold.

FIVE
What’s ‘cold’?

SIR ALF
But surely you’ve …

THE TEAM COLLAPSE LIFELESS, ONE BY ONE.

SIR ALF
… had colds before? (REALISES HE’S ALONE.) Oh, bugger. I knew I should’ve gone to Brazil but Busby said “Brazil? World Champions? Never!”

SIR ALF SLINKS AWAY, WHISTLING FAR TOO NONCHALANTLY “FOOTBALL’S COMING HOME.

END

Heres my poor effort . . .

EXT. MANS CAVE-DAY.

Outside a cave mouth, a nineteen fifties MAN, in suit, horn-rimmed glasses and creamed back hair is raising the American flag on a pole. A couple of Neanderthals, clubs in hand, stomp past.

MAN

Beautiful morning, isn’t it?

The Neanderthals grunt non-committedly.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAVES-NIGHT.

The MAN and three Neanderthals are sat playing cards.

MAN
(V.O)
End of day one and I have successfully managed to infiltrate the group, they look upon me as one of their own.

MAN lays down his hand, the Neanderthals look at the cards, then at each other, then below at him, waving their clubs; the MAN turns and sprints off stiffly.

MAN
(V.O)
I am certain if any commie red cells have formed, I will be able to flush them out.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAVES-DAY.

A few Neanderthals are fashioning sharp tools out of stones as the MAN casually saunters up.

MAN

Hey guys. So, Ive sort of been thinking, you know. Kind of thinking, in the old noodle; democracy, who needs it? Any of . . . any of you guys know what I mean? Any trains on the same tracks? (SILENCE) I like what your doing there Uuluurukh, looks sharp. Yes sir. So . . . any of you fellas like vodka? Russian vodka?

CUT TO:

EXT. CAVES.

The MAN and several Neanderthals are sat around a fire, chewing on meat.

MAN
(V.O)
Day four, no success so far, its time to pull out all the tricks . . .

MAN
(SHRIEKS SUDDENLY)
Stand up if youre a Communist!

He looks around sharply, wide eyed; the Neanderthals don’t move.

CUT TO:

INT. CAVE-DAY.

MAN in a cave, he lifts a rock, revealing a picture of Lenin beneath.

MAN
(V.O)
Day six and success! I found a picture of Lenin under Hach-Hach-Hachs best rock.

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODLAND CLEARING-DAY.

A Neanderthal, Hach-Hach-Hach, is printing Communist pamphlets on an old, clanking printing press, when the MAN and a few other suited men spring shouting from nowhere, guns trained on him.

MAN

Its all over Hach-Hach-Hach! Step away from the commie propaganda!

Hach-Hach-Hach lays down quickly on ground, hands on head.

MAN
(V.O)
Another Neanderthal red, commie cell shut down; but there are more and more springing up in caves all over this great nation, which means Ill go on fighting-by God Ill go on fighting . . .

THE END

INT. CAVE

An easy chair occupies the middle of the cave.

HOWARD CUNNINGHAM (V.O. -
AMERICAN ACCENT)
Happy Days is filmed before a live
studio audience.

HOWARD CUNNINGHAM, a middle-aged man, dressed in a
Fifties style suit and clutching a newspaper, strolls
across the cave.

INSERT HAPPY DAYS STYLE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.

HOWARD sits on the chair - immediately he jumps back to
his feet.

HOWARD CUNNINGHAM (CONT'D)
Marion!

MARION, a short, squat, woman, dressed in animal skins
trudges across the cave.

INSERT AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.

HOWARD CUNNINGHAM (CONT'D)
Marion, you know tonight is the
night Frank Strictman is coming
over to discuss my membership for
the Leopard Lodge.

Marion, bares her teeth and SNARLS.

INSERT AUDIENCE WOOING.

HOWARD CUNNINGHAM (CONT'D)
So why is the dinner not on the
table but all over my favourite
chair?

Howard Cunningham pulls out a decaying, mangled animal
carcass from out of his chair.

INSERT AUDIENCE INANE LAUGHTER.

Marion snatches the carcass from Howard Cunningham and
kneels down on the floor. Picking up some flint, she
WHACKS them together trying to make fire.

RICHIE CUNNINGHAM - almost identical to Marion but uglier
- lumbers over to a collection of spears leaning against
the cave wall. He picks one up.

HOWARD CUNNINGHAM (CONT'D)
Richie, you taking Lori Beth to
Inspiration Point tonight?

Richie MUMBLES as he touches the sharp point of the end -
it makes him jump back slightly.

Richie picks up the spear and practices thrusting with
it.

HOWARD CUNNINGHAM (CONT'D)
Well be careful with my car.
Remember I need it for my big
business deal tomorrow, so don't
let Ralph and Potsie talk you into
going on another pantie-raid.

FONZIE enters the cave, wearing a leather animal hide
almost like a jacket.

INSERT AUDIENCE EXCITED CHEERS.

Fonzie viciously clubs Richie over the head with a large
animal bone. Richie falls to the ground but Fonzie
continues to beat him.

HOWARD CUNNINGHAM (CONT'D)
Fonzie! What you doing here? I
thought you were at Arnold's
attempting to jump over fourteen
garbage cans on your motorcycle to
impress Leather Tuscadero.

Marion notices Fonzie and stops trying to make fire. She
GROWLS at him.

Fonzie stops beating Richie and GROWLS back.

Marion bends over a rock, presenting her arse to him.

HOWARD CUNNINGHAM (CONT'D)
Marion, don't encourage him.

Fonzie bounds over to Marion. He positions himself behind
her raised derrière.

FONZIE
(gives a two-handed
thumbs up gesture)
Hey!

INSERT OVER-THE-TOP AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

Fonzie humps Marion doggy-style over the rock.

Irked, Howard sits in his chair and reads his newspaper.

THE END

Here's mine

***************************************************

A FAMILY OF NEANDERTHALS, ONE FEMALE AND TWO KIDS MOOCHING AROUND IN A CAVE. A CIRCULAR STONE IS ROLLED TO THE SIDE AND AN AMERICAN FIFTIES DAD APPEARS. HE’S WEARING A SUIT AND A TRILBY HAT

F/X:_________________________AUDIENCE STARTS TO APPLAUD WILDLY.

DAD:
Hi Honey! I’m home.

THE FEMALE CROSSES TO THE MAN

FEMALE:
Ugh! Mghh! Googah meghha!

DAD:
Gee sweetie. Can you fix me a Martini please? I’m worn out.

THE FEMALE STARTS TO PICK THROUGH THE DAD’S HAIR. GROOMING HIM FOR FLEAS.

DAD:
Oh honey now will you let me get in before you start that? I’ve had a terrible Day at the office. Why for two pins I’d give that boss of mine a piece of my mind.

FEMALE:
Ughh mugghh!

THE FEMALE GESTURES TO THE DAD. SHE POINTS AT SOME CRUDE DRAWINGS OF ANIMALS THAT HAVE BEEN DRAWN WITH FIRE ASH

DAD:
Swell dear. So the decorator finally came back did he? About time too. I was beginning to think that he was some kind of sharp operator and that he was going to leave the job half-finished. Now where’s that Martini honey? Oh Never mind I’ll fix it myself.

HE FIXES HIMSELF A DRINK WHILST THE FEMALE LOOKS ON.

DAD:
Can I get you a little something too honey?

FEMALE:
Ugh mugh gugh mugh bugh mugh gugh.

DAD:
Now honey you know I just have a Martini for medicinal purposes. I don’t have a problem it just relaxes me.

FEMALE:
Ugh mugh gugh mugh bugh mugh gugh.

DAD:
Oh come on honey. Don’t start that. Aw gee dear don’t go to your mother’s again! You’ve only just got back.

THE FEMALE PICKS UP SOME ANIMAL SKINS AND SAYS SOMETHING TO THE KIDS. SHE SLIDES THE STONE TO THE SIDE AND ALL THREE LEAVE THE MAN ALONE.

DAD:
Women! I’ll never understand them.

F/X:_________________________________CANNED LAUGHTER.

END:

Okay it looks like half of us pretty much wrote the same joke.

Thanks for entering guys - all the entries were really good!

It was a tough job picking the final 5,

Thanks again and well done for entering!

Fay@4Laughs

Hi Fay. Nice to see you here, btw.

Matt, I liked the commie spin.

INT. FIELD. DAY.

TWO NEANDERTHALS ARE SITTING DOWN THEY KEEP MAKING FISTS AT EACH OTHER.

THEY TALK BY GRUNTING, THE SUBTITLES INDICATE WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.

UGH
This is pointless

OGH
I know... this is the 2nd annual games and still we have no winners.

WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL THAT THERE ARE DOZENS OF PEOPLE PLAYING 'ROCK' AND DRAWING.

UGH
How did the 1st games go?

OGH
It's still going.

WE PAN ROUND TO SEE NEANDERTHALS WITH BIGGER BEARDS DOING THE SAME.

UGH
Hmmm.... if only there was something that would beat rock.

THERE IS A GREEN FLASH

SUDDENLY A HAND APPEARS IN-BETWEEN THE TWO ROCKS, IT IS DOING PAPER MIME AND WRAPS ROUND ON OF THE ROCKS. WE PAN UP TO REVEAL THE HAND BELONGS TO A TYPICAL 50'S DAD WITH FLAT CAP, BRACES AND PIPE.

THE NEANDERTHALS LOOK ON IN AWE

DAD
That son is paper, and it beats rock.

HE PRODUCES A FOLDED DAILY MAIL FROM UNDER HIS ARM.

DAD
And this is the Daily Mail and it's the most powerful paper around.

THE NEANDERTHALS LOOK CONFUSED, THEN ANGRY AND START PELTING HIM WITH ROCKS. HE TRIES TO DEFEND WITH HIMSELF WITH THE PAPER BUT IT IS SOON SHREDDED AND HE IS BURIED UNDER ROCKS.

UGH
Ha... silly man rock beats paper.

THEY CONTINUE DOING ROCK
END

I enjoyed very much the commie sketch and look forward to reading the winning article.

Five that made the shortlist (with 3 or 4 BSGers) can now be seen at:

http://www.channel4.com/4laughs/feature/window/nov/index.html

Over to you, Henry.