First Stand-up routine ever - critique appreciated

I am a student who had never written stand-up, but I do love several comics who I've followed closely for years. I like the slow, ponderous delivery of comics like Stewart Lee, and the controversial subject matter of comedians like him and Richard Herring. And the surrealism of Simon Munnery.

Anyway, this is an incomplete transcript but it's long enough for a first read(!) It is intended to be delivered slowly, and for the most part, venomously. Any comments appreciated.

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You know how at the end of movies, they will occasionally say 'no animals were harmed in the making of this film'. Well, I am legally obligated to tell you that animals will be harmed during the course of this routine.. specifically ponies. But if it makes you less anxious, they will be imaginary ponies. I don't know if that helps.

"I have to admit I was curious. I mean, I love Frankenstein."

Those are the exact words that were uttered by a woman I once met, offered as justification for having had electroshock treatment done to her twice. We've been going out now for a year, and admittedly, the electroshock treatment has helped. We've had problems in the past. She used to cry in bed, now she just lies there quiet and motionless with a blank stare, a strange sort of existential crisis visibly playing on her expression. Often, a single tear streams down her a cheek. Adorable really... On the negative side, she is less willing to do the incredibly degrading things we used to when we began dating. I mean like, really degrading.. I'm fairly sure some of it wasn't covered under the Geneva convention.

Apart from the crying though, she used to have an uncontrollable Tourette's-like urge to shout racist abuse. For those who are wondering.. no, I haven't been going out with Jade Goody. She died of cancer, so you should be ashamed of yourselves for even bringing that up. I shouldn't be ashamed, I'm just reading your minds -- your sick, twisted minds. But as I say, my partner, like Jade Goody, also has an uncontrollable Tourette's-like urge to shout racist abuse. As it happens, my partner was also on Big Brother. And oddly enough, my partner was also the recipient of incessant tabloid coverage, until the tabloids' cowardly apologetic tone kicked in after her death from cancer about a year ago... when we started going out. As I say, it hasn't been easy but the electroshock treatments have helped, and I think she will attest to that.

The thing is with her shouting the racist abuse though is, it can be quite funny and cutesy in private. Who doesn't remember a time when they were with their loved one: [slowly, emotively] a romantic black and white film flickers on the TV screen, soft jazz from a simpler time plays, crackling on a old gramophone, a crimson fire burns in an alcove, almost as if to symbolize the fiery lust and passion reserved only for each other. Who doesn't remember a time when they turned to their loved one and said:

[slowly turning my back to the audience, continuously from 'My darling' to 'boredom']

"My darling... I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my puny existence on this mortal coil. Spending an evening with you is like being lifted off into a dreamland full of ponies and love and rainbows. Spending a morning with you is like... realizing that the ponies have all died of syphilis and Aids, and that the love that was once strong has now dissolved into bitter hatred and that the rainbows were never there; they were just reflections of light bouncing off of the fish carcasses in the lake full of toxic waste. X-Factor episodes to be precise. Fish carcasses... in the toxic lake... full of X-Factor episodes, tainted by Simon Cowell's smug face... his smug fat face laughing as the fish die of oxygen dep-- no, of boredom, as they die of boredom... his smug fat face cackling as he rapes the ponies, utterly obliterating their innocence.

[pause for 5 seconds, turn around]

But regardless, my love, I adore you and want to spend my life adoring you and being with you and worshipping you, if you'll let me. I just want to be allowed to love you -- and to be near you always. Call me... call me by that name you used to give me. You know the one... I loved that name. Every time I hear it, I imagine being with you and holding you in my arms. Call me by that name again."

"Sand nigger."

"Mmm yes... oh darling, you make me melt when you say it like that. Say it again, really mean it."

"Sand nigger.. SAND NIGGER. TOWELHEAD. DUNE COON. TERRORIST. RAGHEAD. PAKI. FILTHY ARAB HALFBREED CUNT."

Who doesn't remember that? We've all experienced it, and for those of you who haven't been in love, it's just sad really that your life hasn't been enriched by someone like that yet. One of those is inaccurate though -- I'm not actually Pakistani. If I was I'd probably be more ashamed of my heritage given that a month ago in Sialkot two young boys were beaten to death and their lifeless bodies strung up by their ankles, in front of dozens of onlookers, including children and members of the Pakistani police force. Do you know, if I was Pakistani, I will tell you now, I would rather take my own life than admit to be part of that heritage. In fact, I will honestly say that I would rather take my own life by throwing my C4-laden body from a building in Karachi in the hopes that people might learn, and that the old culture that committed atrocities such as these would die a horrible death. But, I wouldn't actually. And before you wonder whether it's PC to laugh at that, I am allowed to make jokes like that. At least two of my friends are Pakistani, and two more have darker skin than Pakistanis. That trumps... the darker the skin, the more racist you can be. I checked... I read it on the Wikipedia.

But anyway, because my life's been enriched by someone like that, I feel I understand Jade Goody better than all of you. You all hate Jade Goody, I don't... you do, every single one of you hates her. But what I'm saying is you can't make crude generalizations about people like that. I feel I know her... and I know why she said those things to Shilpa Shetty. It's because she loved her. She loved her with all her heart. If you were there in January 2007, a fly on the wall in the Big Brother house, you would have seen Jade Goody, crouching on the floor, deep in thought:

[crouch]

[slowly,emotively]

"God... I f**king love Shilpa Shetty. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone in my puny existence on this mortal coil. What can I do to show her how far my love extends? Hmmm... I know. I'll start referring to her as 'the Indian', and I'll call her little cutesy nicknames like Shilpa Poppadom, and Shilpa F**kawalla. She'll like that. She'll like how I'm using the names ironically, because of course, repetition of a racial slur robs it of its power, like the influential comedian Lenny Bruce used to say about the word 'nigger'. So by repeating those slurs I'm destroying the connection between Indians and Indian appetizers, like poppadoms, and eventually people will realize what idiots they've been. Yes... I'm doing all Indians a favour. Shilpa will thank for me this. And most importantly of all, she will know that I love her."

And presumably, while this was going through her mind, you might have had Russell Brand sat in the studio on his lunch break, spending his free time writing sections of My Booky Wook, as he always writes -- by taking sheets of white office paper and smearing them on his splayed anus. [pause for a second, then act taking some paper and smearing it on my anus, then collating and organizing it then smearing it again. Then mime writing]. Chapter 2. [Then smear once again].

People are happy to laugh at Russell Brand. Less happy about laughing at the now dead Jade Goody. Before you wonder whether it's PC to laugh at that, I am allowed to make jokes like that. At least two of my friends are dead, and two more are being repeatedly annally raped in Guantanamo Bay, which, I am assured by language experts is the origin of the phrase 'a fate worse than death'. Rape is the origin of that phrase. So by that logic, rape trumps death... the worse the fate, the more abusive of dead people you can be. It's exactly like skin colour and racism. Again.. I checked this.. I read this on the Wikipedia. However, one wonders how far you can take this logic. For example, how many friends of yours have to be repeatedly annally raped before you can justifiably engage in acts of necrophilia? I am genuinely interested, and I think it is a scientific question more than anything else. But the government doesn't want to spend money on researching it, because of the 'economy' or whatever.

... [transition needs work]

Anyway the point is, the racist abuse was cute, it was like our little thing. But unfortunately, as it was an uncontrollable urge she had, it was a bit awkward in a public situation, say in, I don't know... army cadet training, which we just did for shits and giggles from time to time. Especially when you take into account that she is quite a butch woman with a striking resemblance to Prince Harry. It wasn't fair really what happened to him on the news. We were thinking of coming out and admitting that it was us, but they were just laying into him day after day after day... so we stayed out of it.

[pause]

Bit of topical humour there. Except it's not that topical because it happened nearly two years ago... and it's not humour because, if you're astute, you'll realize that I said that I've only been going out with my partner for one year. So the first part of that joke isn't funny, and the second part doesn't even make sense. Enjoy that. Don't despair though. I will be handing out forms later, so if you're thinking, "God, this act is terrible; there's no jokes, and the only bit vaguely funny so far was the sand nigger bit, and even that was pretentious lefty tongue-in-cheek social commentary. Not the reactionary racism I know and love from shows like Top Gear. God I could bloody use a form right now, to express my anger and disappointment in writing, as I'm shit at confrontation but brilliant at feeling sorry for myself." If you're thinking that, don't despair. You will have a chance to vindicate your feelings at the end.

The English do have a tendency to enjoy complaining in writing, though, I don't know if you realize. I've only lived in three different countries, which are Bahrain, Canada, and the United Kingdom; I say only because nowadays people are very multi-cultural, which I think is a great thing, but it means that I can't go to a bar anymore and get mercy f**ks on the basis that I'm exotic... or that I have an 'adorable accent'. There's always some f**ker, someone more international, who's cottoned on. "Oh, you've lived in Ontario? Do you know, that makes me want to suck your cock so bad. Hang on, here comes a guy who's taken a shit in the Adriatic, I'll see you later".

But having lived in those countries, I never experienced the bafflingly vigorous anti-social desire for people to complain in writing, as I did here. I'll give you an example.

[continued]

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Thanks very much for reading!

Stewart Lee fan, right? Only got halfway through because I got distracted and unless your delivery is brilliant, then I think you'll struggle to get laughs in an open mic environment. Of course that's not a definite- so much of standup is in the performance. There's a thread in the writing section I started about constructing your first five, come check that out!

Actually I just read a bit further. For how dark the subject matter is, it's got to have very strong punchlines or you run the risk of dying on your arse.

Haha I just re-read your original post and noticed you mention Stewart Lee and Richard Herring. I didn't spot that, but it's very obvious from your writing.

Wow.

If you plan to do this routine at a comedy night please tell me where and when as this is something I've got to see.

Seriously though, can you do me a favour and highlight where you're expecting the audience to laugh, because, no offence, just reading through it I can't really see which bits people are supposed to find funny.

It might be that it's all in the delivery but to me it just seems like the usual sort of shock comedy that a lot of new acts seem to fall into.

Good luck though, it might be an idea to study acts who get away with dark/controversial material and try to work out how and why they manage it.

Also, go to a load of local open mic nights and watch the other acts- make a mental note of what sort of things work and what bombs.

And always listen to Tony Cowards.

Thank you both! I will definitely check out some open mic nights in the area and see what works. Sadly, Oxford isn't a great place for comedy but the situation is improving slightly.

It is a bit dark at times but I'd really like to find a way to make it work, even if that means re-hauling and making the punchlines more obvious and effective. I don't really enjoy a lot of purely observational comedy, because it's what everybody does and it just seems monotonous to me. I'll also take Tony's advice about seeing how controversial comedians make it work.

Edit: Not that it should matter, but I'm half-Arabic and half-English.. that's kind of where some of the ideas came from. I might find a way of shoehorning that into the routine at some point, because 1) I think it would put the whole thing into context, and 2) it would make dark bits seem more like me playfully poking fun at myself (and similar races) with racial slurs, and stepping the line where playfulness actually turns into racism. That was the idea anyway... that white Caucasians can't do it but I can .

First of all, respect to Nat and Tony for their impartial venom-free reviews. It's not often that material like the above from a newbie on a comedy review site fails to attract at least some degree of personal insult.

Second of all, respect to Capillarian for having the talent and the balls to create and post the above material. If I'd done it, my name would now be an enema on this site. (See what I did there?)

Moving along, if you're a student newbie, you won't be offended by a much older and marginally wiser man telling you a few things about writing and performing comedy, so here goes.

In any performance situation, whether you're on stage or just posting on a website, your material will be filtered through your personality. What I mean is: if audiences like and/or respect you, they'll tend to laugh. If they don't they won't.

So you (a total stranger to the audience) pick up the mike and, within seconds, you identify yourself as a someone who finds humour in harming animals and - even worse - someone who derives pleasure from his girlfriend's pain and who revels in her sexual degradation.

Take it from me - you are stone cold dead in the water and you've been on stage less than a minute.

In years to come, assuming you live long enough and you've built a large and rock solid fan base, it will be very different. When that day comes, material like the above (but funnier) will earn you deafening applause.

The above set is not crap. Don't let anyone tell you it's crap. It's commendably literate, commendably shocking and (in a few places) commendably funny.

The problem is that, before an audience will accept it, you have to dominate that audience by the combined forces of your fame and your personality - and that doesn't happen to new comedians doing an open mic slot.

At an open mic slot, a comedian's usual ambition is to survive and that is rarely, if ever, achieved by offending people.

If the day ever dawns when you know a substantial majority of your audience would be honoured to come up on stage and kiss your arse, that's when you do material like the above. And even then, you make it funnier.

Ah, I've just seen you're half-Arab and half-English. That will help if your face is somewhat foreign-looking. In fact, you should try to make it darker. The darker your skin, the bigger laughs you'll get with poor material. White English audiences would rather be burned alive than be caught not laughing at a dusky-skinned comedian.

Best not mention that your foreign half is Arab, though. They'll think one of your parents owns an oil well - and we're all starving here!

You have some really good, really dark ideas and some lovely imagery.

I especially like the Frankenstein girl.

Problem is you're running straight in with the shock stuff. And you're not giving the audience a chance to like you, lose some of the shock factor.

Swing from pretend nice to genuine nastiness.

Jade gags and Guantanomo are dated and in poor taste. That's not good for standup.

Also it lacks an overall structure.

Slow it down be more personable and give it a beginning a middle and an end and this could be aces.

I think he must be quite an elderly student

eh?

you 'eard

Why dp you think he's a mature student?

How would you have critiqued it had I written it?

Quote: bushbaby @ October 5 2010, 9:55 PM BST

How would you have critiqued it had I written it?

View original

That's an excellent question because we'd all critique it differently depending upon the name we saw at the top of the thread.

We all have a natural desire to please our friends and displease our enemies and that desire is not fully-controllable, even when we want it to be.

Being human means we're never impartial.

Quote: Ming the Mirthless @ October 5 2010, 10:27 PM BST

We all have a natural desire to please our friends and displease our enemies and that desire is not fully-controllable, even when we want it to be.

Being human means we're never impartial.

View original

And I thought L Ron Hubbard was dead...

Well I quite liked it although I'm struggling to imagine actually laughing at it if I saw a complete unknown performing this on some dodgy open mic slot. There's some good stuff in there but not much which is laugh out loud funny.

You cite Stewart Lee as an influence and that's pretty obvious from the material. I don't think you appear to be copying him but I can see it comes from a similar place. The thing about Stewart Lee type comdey though is you pretty much have to buy into the style before finding it actually funny which might make it awkward starting straight into material like this.

I think this type of style would translate pretty well into short story format - have you considered that?