Hi folks, I've written a little sketch below. Your thoughts would be really welcome.
Not sure if it's something that has potential to be expanded upon or not.
..............
Int - Focus on the door to a life coaches treatment room.
Over a picture of a posing life coach are the words 'The World and Bedminster's renowned life activist Dick Clementine"
Int - Life coach Dick Clementine faces a nervous patient.
CLEMENTINE - Tell me why you're here Mary
MARY - Well... I'm a bit socially...
CLEMENTINE (Scribbles intensely) - Hmmmmm interesting
MARY - Awkward, I tend to go...
CLEMENTINE (Interrupting) - I've diagnosed your problem Mary. You're fat.
HOLDS UP A CRUDE PICTURE OF A ROUND CIRCLE WITH BREASTS
CLEMENTINE - See?
MARY (Bursting into tears) - I'm not fat!
CLEMENTINE (Putting hand on her lap) - There, there. Let out the tears, retaining that water does you no good. As my father always said when life throws you Clementine's make Lemonade.
MARY - (Tearfully) You mean lemon.
CLEMENTINE - Please stop insulting me Mary.
CLEMENTINE GLANCES OVER HIS SHOULDER AT 'CELEBRITY' PICTURES ON THE WALL OF GARETH GATES, SURANNE JONES AND BARBARA KNOX.
CLEMENTINE - Ah, I see you're looking at my celebrity clientele. I've helped them all to a fashion. Apart from Mr Gates
MARY - Then why do you have his picture on the wall?
CLEMENTINE - Well I'm hardly going to put an electrician up there.
CLEMENTINE PULLS OUT A BOOK
CLEMENTINE - Now Mary, here is my book. That I wrote. It's a self help book and follows up my highly successful children's book 'You're going to die!'. You may have heard of it.
MARY SHAKES HER HEAD
CLEMENTINE (Disappointed) Nevermind. My new book, I want to give you today free. It will help you to lose all that weight and stop being such a disgusting little piggy wiggy.
MARY - But I don't need to lose weight.
CLEMENTINE - You do. It's just a fiver, less than the Big Mac you'll buy on the way home.
MARY - You just said it was free!
CLEMENTINE - Supply and demand
CLEMENTINE PICKS UP THE PHONE ON HIS DESK AND THROWS THE BOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW.
CLEMENTINE - I just had an order then.
MARY (Sighs) - Ok Five pound
CLEMENTINE - Ten
MARY - Fine, ten! Can I have the book please?
CLEMENTINE (Glances at the window) That was my only copy I'm afraid. We can wait until someone brings it back. They usually do.
MARY (Standing) - Sorry I don't have time.
CLEMENTINE REMOVES A PICTURE FROM HIS DESK
CLEMENTINE - Ok, well take this in the meantime. It's a picture of my face. Many women draw great comfort from it. Some sit on it for courage, others for pleasure...
MARY LOOKS DISGUSTED.
INT - CLEMENTINE STANDS AT HIS RECEPTION DESK. A YOUNG RECEPTIONIST APPEARS LOOKING ILL.
CLEMENTINE - I'm off for my lunch date with (whispers) a friend of (Loudly) SUSANNE SHAW'S (Whispers) One-time hairdresser. (Loudly) NO CALLS!
DEBRA - Look what someone has left in the ladies toilet!
DEBRA REVEALS A LARGE POO RESTING ON THE PICTURE OF CLEMENTINE'S FACE
CLEMENTINE (Disturbed) - I knew she wasn't getting enough fibre.
ENDS
