Jokes

I am planning on doing stand up for the first time so I have written some gags. Peruse at your leisure...... I went to the doctors, he said 'whats up?' I said 'nothingthat's why I'm here.'.. I went back and he asked what was wrong with me. I told him I had an itchy airbag. He said do you not mean an itchy ballbag. I said I was castrated, its definitely an airbag... I was on the piss last nite, see today, I'm like a pair of siamese twin dogs joined at the arse, I don't know whether I'm coming or going....I met a woman last week. We had a few beers then got stoned together,that's the last time I date a Saudi chick... I was driving and using my mobile the other day when the police stopped me, I never thought that would happen in the dodgems... My wierdest ever job was when I was a human helium balloon. It didnt last long, the boss said to me,"you are not pulling your weight round here and I'm going to have to let you go."... Then I was working as a builder. The last thing I built I got 40 letters of objection and the planners made me dismantle it, I thought that was a bit over the top for a sandcastle... I was abused by priests, they called me a baldy bastard...any men in the audience with a big dick? Mine's massive. There are problems with it though, every time I have an erection my wife faints. Also I am being stalked by a randy snake... My ex wife went to a drunk plastic surgeon. He sewed her buttocks to her face, to be fair she always did talk out of her ass.

There are some funny lines there but others are a bit weak.

I expect everybody who replies to this thread will say the same: the snag is that there won't be universal agreement about what's strong and what's weak so it doesn't really matter what we say.

As it stands, it's just a succession of one-liners and audiences have seen that done to absolute perfection by Steven Wright and Tim Vine. Anyone else attempting it would need truly fabulous material.

As I say, some of yours is good . . . but fabulous? That might be pushing it.

With one liners you will find yourself throwing a LOT away. Written down, the only one I liked the look of was the human balloon one, but I'd rewrite it to:

"I got a job as a helium balloon, but I couldn't pull my own weight.
So they let me go."

With one liners, you need to go through and take out any words/lines which don't directly set up or give a punchline.

Some nice lines in there but also some that don't work or are just not strong enough.

As Nat and Mings have said good one-liners are very difficult to write (especially to the standard of Tim Vine, Steven Wright or Milton Jones) and you will find that for every joke that will work on stage in front of an audience you will have to write 10, 20 or even 30+ jokes (the wastage level is immense).

Nat has pointed out one of the big pieces of advice with one-liners is edit, edit, edit. If a word doesn't add to the joke then it subtracts, ruthlessly weed out any unnecessary words, for instance;

"I met a woman last week. We had a few beers then got stoned together,that's the last time I date a Saudi chick."

Is much more effective as;

"Got stoned with my girlfriend, last time I date a Saudi chick"

12 words vs 24 words, half the waffle and it still has the important info for the joke, less is more with one-liners.

Take the next one;

"I was driving and using my mobile the other day when the police stopped me, I never thought that would happen in the dodgems"

This becomes;

"Got stopped by the police for driving and using my mobile, which was harsh as I was on the dodgems".

Only 20 vs 24 this time but it's quicker and gets to the punch with no fuss.

Obviously, my versions are by no means the finished product, they can probably be honed even further, and that's another thing with one-liners you can keep refining them until you get a solid gold line.

Thanks folks. I will be doing a five minute slot so I will have to tell some anecdotal stuff. I am going to develop a story about farting at funerals.

Cheers Tony, some good advice and well done in getting into Viz top tips.

Good luck with it Nigel, one-liners is one of the hardest forms of stand up to get right, the gags need to have a high hit rate other wise the audience will start groaning and you can lose them very quickly.

To start with you might be better to try to weave some of these jokes into some longer stories or bits of, as you've said, anecdotes.

Have fun though and let us know how you get on.

Oh and cheers about Viz, was I in the actual comic? I submit stuff online but never know if it's been printed.

If you're doiing anecdotes, you still want to apply those same principles of cuttle the waffle. I was trying to reduce 6:15 of material to 5 minutes this week, and maneaged to do most of that by removing unnecessary words or sentences.

Always listen to Tony, for he is a wise comedy brain.

Yes, you had two top tips printed (top tweets). I haven't got Viz beside me at the minute so I can't recall the actual jokes.

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ October 1 2010, 4:39 PM BST

Yes, you had two top tips printed (top tweets). I haven't got Viz beside me at the minute so I can't recall the actual jokes.

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Thanks, that's good to know, will have to put "Writer for Viz" on my CV.

Not bad but need polishing and I'd advise against machine gunning quick gags.

Call backs and long forms may be better. Also a set needs a beginning a middle and end as an overall.

Also with the number of contentious subjects you're covering you run the risk of alienating part of the audience.

Quote: Nat Wicks @ October 1 2010, 4:38 PM BST

Always listen to Tony, for he is a wise comedy brain.

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And never listen to Nat Wicks, for she is the misbegotten lovechild of Barclays and B & Q.

Aaaw, we all love you really, Nat.

Good, I'm only here for the self affirmation.