Suicide bummers

TOKYO 1945 TOSHI, YUKI, AND HIRO ARE BEING BRIEFED BY THE COMMANDER
IN A CLASS ROOM THEY ARE ALL DRESSED AS PILOTS WITH KAMIKAZE HEAD BANDS

COMMANDER
Uncle Sam is closing in on the home islands but the dragon still has teeth you will be those teeth!

STUDENTS
Hai!

COMMANDER
You will fly your planes at sea level towards the enemy fleet.

YUKI
And then plow into their ships hurling them to the demons of the deep?

COMMANDER
No you will select their mighty floating citadel the aircraft carrier.

TOSHI
Aah wise commander. The loss will scatter them like the pigs they are!

COMMANDER
No this is a cunning new plan approved by the emperor himself. We land on the carrier.

HIRO
Aaah and then we capture this mighty prize with our Katana and pistol!

COMMANDER
To obvious. We drop our trousers.

HIRO
We drop our trousers?

COMMANDER
Bend over and let them bum us.

TOSHI
But why?

COMMANDER
After weeks at sea with no women, they're lust boiling up they won't be able to resist our feminine, hairless oriental bottoms.

HIRO
I am not being sodomised by some Yankee. What will acheive?

COMMANDER
Ah my young Samurai the terrible sense of sexual ambiguity they will be left with will render them quite helpless.

TOSHI
If we don't talk about crashing into US ships I am falling on my sword.

COMMANDER
Wouldn't you rather fall on mine?

YUKI
I'm out of here, I'm going to Okinawa to run under a tank with a landmine.

COMMANDER
But I'm taking the greatest risk I'm hurling my bottom at the engineering section where all the American negores work, they'll show me no mercy!

TOSHI
That's it I'm going to crash a human torpedo into a destroyer.

HIRO
Yeh you pooftah commander. I'm going to....draw a cartoon strip about a cat that's as tall as 2 apples and is called Hello Kitty.

PAUSE

TOSHI
Ha ha poof!

COMMANDER
You bender!

SCENE 2
PRESENT DAY AFGHANISTAN 2 SOLDIERS AND A GRIZZLED SERGEANT ARE MANNING A CHECK POINT

SERGEANT
And that's how Hello Kitty was born.

SOLDIER1
Thank you sarge what a mother f**king inspiring story.

SOLDIER2
Haji at the check point...oh good Jesus he's pulling his pants down and waggling his ass at us.

SERGEANT
Oh dear God no, truly this war is lost.

I felt sorry for this one Soot with no posts. Not one of your best old chap. A bit rambling if you don't mind me saying so.

I seem so far off my game of late I may stop posting sketches for a bit.

I am working on a bigger project.

All to be revealed next year most likey....

Quote: sootyj @ September 21 2010, 9:47 PM BST

I seem so far off my game of late I may stop posting sketches for a bit.

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It's a pun writ large old bean. Something great there just play around and do your thing

Quote: Marc P @ September 21 2010, 10:16 PM BST

It's a pun writ large old bean. Something great there just play around and do your thing

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No, don't. Work on longer meatier stuff, soot. See where that takes you.

Quote: chipolata @ September 21 2010, 11:10 PM BST

No, don't. Work on longer meatier stuff, soot. See where that takes you.

View original

What he says.

What stands out for me about this sketch is the authenticity and brevity of the dialogue. It's also faintly reminiscent of the 'devils in skirts' dick flashing from Carry On Up the Khyber.

Essentially, your brain is is just burping out an endless stream of comedy consciousness, Sooty - I don't think you should worry about the quality. It's going to go up and down. The point is there seems to be an inexhaustible supply.

Sooty this made me laugh in parts. There's a lovely idea there, it just needs pruning and tidying up IMO.

Hope you don't mind, I've done a quick hack 'n' slash job. I haven't really changed much dialogue - just pruned a bit. It might be shit. But I think it ends at the biggest laugh.

1.INT. CLASSROOM. NIGHT.

IT'S TOKYO 1945. JAPANESE KAMIKAZE PILOTS TOSHI, YUKI, AND HIRO ARE BEING BRIEFED BY THEIR COMMANDER.

COMMANDER
Uncle Sam is closing in on the home islands but the dragon still has teeth. You will be those teeth!

STUDENTS
Hai!

YUKI
We will plow into their ships, hurling them to the demons of the deep?

COMMANDER
No. You will select their mighty floating citadel the aircraft carrier.

STUDENTS:
Hai!

HIRO
And then we capture this mighty prize with our Katana and pistol?

COMMANDER
Too obvious. We drop our trousers.

HIRO
We drop our...trousers?

COMMANDER
Hai. Bend over and let them bum us.

TOSHI
But why?

COMMANDER
After weeks at sea with no women, their lust boiling up - they won't be able to resist our feminine, hairless oriental bottoms.

HIRO
I am not being sodomised by some Yankee. What will it achieve?

COMMANDER
Ah my young, hairless, silky-skinned Samurai. The terrible sense of sexual ambiguity that they will suffer will render them quite helpless.

A BRIEF MOMENT OF HUSHED EMBARRASSMENT.

TOSHI
Well if we don't talk about crashing into US ships I am falling on my sword.

COMMANDER: (CAMPLY)
Wouldn't you rather fall on mine?

Thanks Lee you're completely right and that rewrite works.

Damn I just loved the Hello Kitty line

And thanks MarkP and Godot but I think I need to bring some order to my comedic universe.

Godot is right. Due to the sheer amount of sketches you're writing the quality will go up and down a bit, but definitely don't stop. Lee's version brings more out of it.

A good edit by Lee but I nevertheless give abundant credit to SootyJ for the original material which many TV viewers would find truly hilarious.

Many viewers wouldn't find it funny at all, I'm sure, but many others would be rolling on the floor laughing at this sketch.

Thanks glad this sketch bought a little happiness

I absolutely don't get it at all but credit due, I don't know how you think 'em up

I must say this sort of passed me by until Lee's edit. Nice though the Hello Kitty line is I lost the central funny in all the noise.

I think this should be what critique is all about; honest and insightful analysis of the strengths and weaknesses of a piece which is hard for the individual to do objectively.

I'd love to have half your creativity though Soots, so don't knock it.