New Sketch - Untitled as yet

Right, folks. You said I should write a new sketch and post it here so I have. Hope you like it, but now I've calmed down I promise to take all feedback, good or bad, with aplomb....

EXT - Fairly busy street, daytime

We see a man smoking a cigarette, leaning against a wall. As he exhales he seems to spot something off to his right. He drops the cigarette, extinguishing it under his shoe and runs down the street where he grabs another man and they begin to grapple. The other man we can only see from behind.

SMOKING MAN: - You're coming with me, this is for your own good.

OTHER MAN: - What are you doing? Get off me.

As they continue to grapple people on the street stop and stare, wondering if they should intervene.

SMOKING MAN: - I'm just doing my duty as a good citizen.

OTHER MAN: - I don't know you, what the hell are you doing?

Smoking man overpowers the other man and gets him in a headlock, marching him down the street.

OTHER MAN: - I don't know who you think I am...

SMOKING MAN (CUTS IN): - Look, this is for your own good. I keep telling you.

Smoking man walks other man into a building, the camera pans up and we see 'King's Arms' on the sign. They enter the room and smoking man goes to speak but the other man tries to escape, leading to the two men wrestling. The staff and customers look on, bewildered, and one of the barmaids picks up the phone.

SMOKING MAN: - You're not going anywhere.

OTHER MAN: - I've got a meeting.

SMOKING MAN: - No you haven't.

OTHER MAN: - I have, I really need to go.

SMOKING MAN: - You can't. I can't allow it.

Two policemen burst in.

POLICEMAN ONE : - Alright, break it up.

SMOKING MAN: - No, you don't understand.

POLICEMAN TWO (Shouting and stepping forward): - Let him go, sir. Now.

Smoking man looks torn but then releases his grip. The other man takes a few steps away; we only see his face and he looks deeply unsettled.

POLICEMAN TWO: - Now what's going on?

SMOKING MAN: - Look.

Smoking man points at other man, and the camera zooms out to show that he is wearing a t-shirt that reads 'If found please return to pub.'

THE END

I like the joke. Especially if the tshirt is suitably tacky and cheap. I think the buildup needs a lot of refining though, as there's not much funny going through it. You either need a stronger build up or a stronger punchline.

The punchline is pretty decent - I wasn't expecting it - but you need more pace and comedy along the way.

That's excelent.

I'd love to see it filmed, could see it ss a runner

Is there something I'm not getting?

All I thought of the sketch was that Smoking Man reminds me of the X Files and that Boomerang Jones is a cool name.

Quote: Tim Azure @ September 19 2010, 7:23 PM BST

Is there something I'm not getting?

All I thought of the sketch was that Smoking Man reminds me of the X Files and that Boomerang Jones is a cool name.

View original

Do you mean you're not getting the joke, or you don't like the sketch?

I do think it might work with more menace?

Maybe the guy with the tshirt is marched ti the pub by 2 silent guys complaining all the way

Needs some more funny lines as others have said. My only other worry would be making it clear you're mocking those types of t-shirts. I mean, I've seen similar ones before, but not the one mentioned in this sketch.

You could have him spot another guy as they're leaving, with a similarly stupid tshirt, and runs at them.

Richard Herring does a lot in his standup about those kind of tshirts though, so I'd look into that and make sure you don't step over any of his material- avoid the possibility of being accused of joke thievery. (not saying you have, obviously!)

I like it but why is he wearing that t-shirt to a meeting?

Quote: Don P Musey @ September 19 2010, 8:04 PM BST

I like it but why is he wearing that t-shirt to a meeting?

View original

Yes, that's a very good point too.

If he has a suit carrier he could be going to change jst before?

I wrote something similar a while back.

I.m not sure the transition lines should be funny, I think the straighter and naturalistic the more it emphasises the punch

Quote: sootyj @ September 19 2010, 8:11 PM BST

If he has a suit carrier he could be going to change jst before?

View original

Still seems a bit unlikely. Maybe he could be going somewhere else. Doesn't have to be a meeting. Hospital appointment perhaps?

All very useful feedback - very good point about the guy wearing the t-shirt to a meeting. I nearly put 'appointment' but then changed it at the last minute, I don't know why. Richard Herring did some fabulous material about the 'Give me head, til I'm dead' t-shirt. The 'If found please return to pub' t-shirt is real - seeing several of them around Taunton and thinking how someone would arguably be within their rights to drag someone who wears one kicking and screaming to the nearest pub is what inspired the sketch. Perhaps there could be more menace in the build-up but I kind of wanted the first guy to be making quite a pitiful attempt to drag the other guy to the pub but just managing it. Any other thoughts anyone?

Quote: Nat Wicks @ September 19 2010, 8:02 PM BST

You could have him spot another guy as they're leaving, with a similarly stupid tshirt, and runs at them.

Richard Herring does a lot in his standup about those kind of tshirts though, so I'd look into that and make sure you don't step over any of his material- avoid the possibility of being accused of joke thievery. (not saying you have, obviously!)

View original

Re: the first bit, this could be good, or perhaps even the police could say "Fair enough" and arrest the man with the stupid t-shirt. What do you reckon?

Quote: Tim Azure @ September 19 2010, 7:23 PM BST

Is there something I'm not getting?

All I thought of the sketch was that Smoking Man reminds me of the X Files and that Boomerang Jones is a cool name.

View original

Yep, I'm Boomerang Jones - I always come back.

I think the joke needs to know why he's being dragged

I mean if its just 2 helpful blokes that feels a little weak

maybe if its dogs body traffic wardens@or something?