If slowed down... could this work on stage?

This song I wrote a while ago... is possibly more about clever writing than actual comedy perhaps? I'm not sure?

Well anyway, would appreciate any feedback.

Thanks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpeazDcgXtI

I can't see a recording contract in your immediate future, but this is pretty good. Nice one

I'm already signed to virgin, but thanks x

it was really good

thanks. I just can't work out wether it has stage potential... I'm trying to sort through all my songs at the minute and work out which ones have potential for restructuring and then taking to stage... I'm really split about this one...

You're pretty good. Although I think you need to stand up and put in more of a performance. It's all very under-your-breath. It was also missing something, like a chorus but I dunno much about writing music but I felt it lacked punch.

Plus, I think if you are doing comedy rap; you need to go all out. Where's the Boris Johnson wig? Quick cuts and zooms are missing too.

But overall you have talent and I'll check out your other videos.

Oh, and to answer your question. I don't know. But I think you're talented enough to perform on stage, so I suppose if you can up your confidence then you can perform anything on stage.

Yeah fair point... I used to record all my videos this way, just live.

Kind of to show I could rap live... lol.

But my latest ones... such as a (not quite so clever but apparently funnier) song about builders... and a song I wrote about builders, do exactly what you say... with the outfit, the cuts, etc etc.

Maybe you'll prefer these?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdxX6k-1Z6g
The builders song, only posted it couple days ago actually.

And this is a song I wrote about the different types of cannabis users... maybe less funny... in fact definitely less funny, but probably more intelligent writing... took longer to write anyway. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2n4fGGL2eE

Anyway, again... any feedback is welcomed! (as long as its remotely constructive.)

Thanks for the kind comments though Leevil, I appreciate it!

Ian

** I meant cannabis when I repeated myself.]

Also I totally agree about that song lacking a punch. Totally agree, I think it would need a lot of rewording to be considered for the stage.