Some one Liners

I think that being able to 'customise' your child is completely wrong... I mean, perverts are just going to ask for a slow runing speed, a nice ass and a mouth that zips.

I was on the phone to Childline for 2 whole hours before I was told that they didn't accept cheques for children... but they did transfer me to the Bulgarian line.

When I was younger I really wanted to be a crash test dummy... at leastthat's what Dad kept telling Social Services..

I knew a girl who used to meet up with e-dates from Facebook thinking it was true love... Until after one date she was in pieces... On a lay-by, 10 miles outside Luton in a bin-bag.

Man: so Churchill, is it true that I can get a cheaper deal with 4 year's no claims??
Churchill: Ohhhhh Yeeesssss!
Woman: Oh, I wouldn't believe him, he told me that you smeared peanut butter into your balls and made him lick it off when I was out!
Man: *guilty expresseion* Oh.. yeah.. Erm, you're right he's a lying c**t.

I like the Churchill one, though you need to neaten up the last line, and c**t sounds out of place.

The others are too much 'shock', not enough funny for my liking.

I like the last 3 they're shocking and spicy.

The paedo ones aren't a bit seen it before.

The churchill one is very good.

Actually, I'll give you the Bulgaria one.

'Spicy' lmao, Im liking the choice of adjective..

Yeah I know 'c**t' is a bit strong, what word do you suggest?

Cheers guys

Was going to use some of these for an open mic.. hope it works

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ September 10 2010, 12:48 PM BST

'Spicy' lmao, Im liking the choice of adjective..

Yeah I know 'c**t' is a bit strong, what word do you suggest?

Cheers guys

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You know what, if you delivered it well you could cut that last line altogether. Really it's just extra on top of the punch line. 3 lines, then a guilty look, bang you've got them. I'm assuming you're writing these for standup ?

EDIT: Just noticed your edit saying it's for an open spot. Be wary; too many brand new open spots do similar shock material and it rarely goes down well. Paedo jokes on the open circuit are so old hat it hurts. It's like the old mainstreem comics with mother-in-law jokes.

Yeah but I don't know what I should put into the set/ leave out of it Need some help, I might post more later

Quote: Nat Wicks @ September 10 2010, 12:48 PM BST

Actually, I'll give Bulgaria one.

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What all of them? They're millions of people in Bulgaria,.

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ September 10 2010, 12:51 PM BST

Yeah but I don't know what I should put into the set/ leave out of it Need some help, I might post more later

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There is a good thread in the Writing section called Standup comedy: constructing your first 5. I started it as I needed help for my first gig, and got some solid solid advice. Check it:

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/18267/

Quote: sootyj @ September 10 2010, 12:54 PM BST

What all of them? They're millions of people in Bulgaria,.

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You should stop confusing me with your whorish mother, Sooty. It's embarassing.

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ September 10 2010, 12:51 PM BST

Yeah but I don't know what I should put into the set/ leave out of it Need some help, I might post more later

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If it's open spot I'd drop the paedo stuff and concentrated on some more softer material?

Good jokes but its the stuff between the gags than can make a diference.

Also paedo gags are always a big gamble, wrong audience and you can lose them entirely.

Quote: Nat Wicks @ September 10 2010, 12:55 PM BST

There is a good thread in the Writing section called Standup comedy: constructing your first 5. I started it as I needed help for my first gig, and got some solid solid advice. Check it:

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/18267/

You should stop confusing me as I am your whorish mother, Sooty. It's embarassing.

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Yes mum.

Sooty, you're just copying my advice, you attention whore.

Right that's it: straight to bed with no supper. You do still get a beating though.

Yeah Ill drop them, I don't think id have the guts to try the paedo ones on an open mic..

How about..

A dog isn't just for Christmas, Its for new year's if you freeze some.

A message to the county of Midsomer: If you want to prevent anymore of these murders: Stop making the f**king episodes!

Quote: Nat Wicks @ September 10 2010, 12:59 PM BST

Sooty, you're just copying my advice, you attention whore.

Right that's it: straight to bed with no supper. You do still get beaten off though.

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You're the worlds best mum!

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ September 10 2010, 1:00 PM BST

A dog isn't just for Christmas, Its for new year's if you freeze some.

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