EXT. CAR DEALERSHIP
A salesman escorts a peruser through the display
MAN (pointing)
That's an unbelievable price!
He dashes over to a beautiful, shiny new car. The price displayed is '£450'
MAN
That can't be right, can it?
SALESMAN
Ah, caught your eye, did it? The Khufu Nine series: spacious in all the right places, not our fastest but certainly one of our most reliable, comfy seats; good family car. Lots of safety features but pretty eye-grabbing for...y'know, a bit of man-time.
MAN
I can't believe this is Four Hundred and Fifty pounds... That can't be right, can it?
(thinks for a moment)
What about fuel efficiency?!
The salesman winces slightly
MAN
I mean, yeah it's cheap but that's no good to me if I can't get it out of the garage without a gallon of petrol!
SALESMAN
(takes a deep breath)
It doesn't need petrol.
MAN
Ah, Diesel. Even better!
SALESMAN
No... not diesel. It's an interesting note about this machine it actually doesn't use any kind of petrol or diesel whatsoever.
The man looks aghast
MAN
No petrol?
SALESMAN
No
MAN
No petrol... at all?
SALESMAN
No... none I...
(gains enthusiasm)
Not one drop! Buy this car and I guarantee you'll never need buy a single litre of petrol ever again!
The man stares at him for a long time
MAN
Gosh!
The man goes off to stare at the car
SALESMAN
(pouncing quickly)
So if you'd like to do this, I can fetch the paperwork from the office and-
MAN
What DOES it run on?
The salesman mouths a swear word, then feigns not having heard him
SALESMAN
Sorry, sir?
MAN
Well it has to run on something...What does it run on?...
SALESMAN
....Mummies.
There's a pause
MAN
Mummi-
SALESMAN
Yes, mummies. Preserved corpses from thousands of years ago... It runs on mummies... f**king SHIT f**king CAR!
MAN
Why does it run on mummies?
SALESMAN
Well, the legend goes that
BBC4-style stock footage of vintage auto-mobiles plays as the Salesman narrates
SALESMAN (V.O)
During the civil war, there was a shortage of oil leading to...
The footage cuts to Mark Twain's smiling face for less than a second before we instantly cut back to the two men
MAN
No, no, I don't want that! How am I meant to get hold of mummies? They're priceless historical artifacts!
SALESMAN
Listen, you can stand here and do your little calculations about petrol vs. expired Egyption kings and wah wah wah. But LET ME TELL YOU! This car! THIS CAR! Gives you THE MOST miles to the mummy OF ANY OTHER ON THE MARKET! And that, I think you'll find, is not a claim you will hear from just any dealership. Now do... you want... to take this THING off my hands?
MAN
I don't know...
SALESMAN
I'll knock off fifty pounds.
MAN
Oh, all right then.
EXT. MOTORWAY
The man sits impatiently in his stationary car, his kids are watching a DVD in the back, he catches sight of his wife approaching
MAN
Come on!
His wife is struggling to drag a full-size mummy along the side of the road
She reaches the car and slams it down on the ground
WIFE
(through the window)
You're an idiot!
She storms off to the back of the car
MAN
(under breath)
Four hundred pounds...
WIFE
(O.S)
How does it even fit?!
but it doesn't float MY boat