Inspired by the quality of stuff on here lately I thought I'd have a try at getting back into writing sketches. Any and all comments welcome.
ROBBIE WILLIAMS AND GARY BARLOW ARE SAT AT A TABLE
BARLOW:
So that's the new single then Robbie. What do you reckon?
WILLIAMS:
It just seems a bit extreme, you know..."Shame". Couldn't it just be "Slight Regret"?
BARLOW:
"Slight Regret"? You left us for dead Williams! Mark had to go on Big Brother.
WILLIAMS:
(MUTTERING) Artistic differences, needed my own space....
BARLOW:
BIG. BROTHER.
WILLIAMS:
I said I'm sorry.
BARLOW:
Sorry doesn't cover it. I couldn't afford a kebab for 5 years. Why do you think I lost all that weight?
WILLIAMS:
You look good on it Gary, mate.
BARLOW:
(SHOUTING) Stop sucking up Williams! I want a proper apology...an apology in song.
WILLIAMS:
I'm just not sure about some of the lines...you know.
BARLOW:
Which?
WILLIAMS:
Well...
HE PICKS UP THE LYRIC SHEET FROM THE TABLE
WILLIAMS (CONT):
"Sorry I was a twat; Please let me back in Take That"
BARLOW:
(THOUGHTFUL) Doesn't scan d'you think?
WILLIAMS:
Well, it was more that it says I'm a twat.
BARLOW:
Robbie! Of course it doesn't say you're a twat. Why do you think that?
WILLIAMS:
Well, the words, really...
BARLOW:
No! Of course not.
HE THROWS HIS ARM ROUND ROBBIE
BARLOW(CONT):
It says you were a twat. The question of whether you are still a twat is left entirely open.
WILLIAMS:
Erm, Thanks? Well I'm still not sure.
BARLOW:
How many copies did your last single sell?
WILLIAMS: (
(SULLEN) 10,000.
BARLOW:
Not including those bought by you or members of your immediate family?
WILLIAMS:
30.
GARY PULLS OUT SOME PHOTOS
BARLOW:
Did I show you my new yacht?
WILLIAMS:
Yeah, a couple of times.
BARLOW:
So, any more problems?
WILLIAMS:
Well, yes. The bit where I sing: "I always thought you were so cute; Sorry I made you wear the fat suit"
BARLOW:
Well, Robbie, that lyric serves two important purposes:
HE COUNTS THEM OFF ON HIS FINGERS
BARLOW (CONT):
Firstly, it clarifies that I was never actually fat. And secondly it shows that you didn't leave Take That because you were too good for us, it was because you were desperate to have rampant bottom sex with me.
WILLIAMS:
But that's not true.
BARLOW:
True, Robbie? What is truth? Hmmm? Is it true that I'm..
HE PULLS OUT A PRESS CUTTING
BARLOW (CONT):
"A talentless bottom feeder with an arse so large it has its own gravitational system"? Or is it more true that you haven't had a hit in 5 years? Hmm? Would you like to look at the yacht again?
GARY PULLS OUT THE PHOTOS AGAIN
WILLIAMS:
(SULLEN) No, thanks. (BEAT) I'm fine with the lyrics Gary.
BARLOW:
Please Robbie,
HE THROWS HIS ARM ROUND ROBBIE AGAIN
BARLOW (CONT):
Call me MR BARLOW.
WILLIAMS:
Can we talk about the visuals? Do I have to spend the whole video mooning over you?
BARLOW:
Robbie. If you don't , how will everyone know you want to bury your manhood in my taut boy-crevice?
WILLIAMS:
But I....Oh Christ! What's the point, I need this reunion.
BARLOW:
Of course you do. Now, let's seal the deal.
HE PULLS OUT A BOWL OF POO
WILLIAMS:
What? I can't eat that. It's shit.
BARLOW:
Not just any shit Robbie, it's my shit. The shit of a still well-respected singer/songwriter. If you want to get back in the band, you'll have to eat it.
WILLIAMS:
Oh God! What have I come to?
HE PULLS OUT A SPOON AND GOES TO EAT IT, BUT BARLOW SNATCHES IT FROM HIM
BARLOW:
We earn our spoons round here mister!