Lobster

BRIAN AND TINA ARE HAVING DINNER IN A WELL POSH FRENCH RESTAURANT THERE IS A LARGE LOBSTER TANK IN THE BACK GROUND.

A WAITER APPROACHES

WAITER
Monseiur Madame are you ready to order?

TINA
Ooh it's too expensive, I'll just have a salad.

BRIAN
Not when you're dating Brian Bellamy. What's the most expensive thing on the menu mush?

WAITER
The fresh lobster sir.

BRIAN
Great I'll have the biggest.

TINA
Oh Brian I only want a salad, I've got a jippy tummy.

BRIAN
Right where's my lobster?

WAITER
This way sir. You will need this.

HE HANDS BRIAN A HUGE TRIDENT.

BRIAN AND THE WAITER APPROACH THE TANK IT IS A LONG WAY AWAY, AFTER 50 FEET.
THE WAITER HANDS BRIAN A NET. e.g. IT LOOKS NORMAL SIZED ONLY BECAUSE OF THE DISTANCE

WAITER
And this sir.

BRIAN
Big is he?

AFTER 100 FEET HE HANDS BRIAN A SNORKEL AND TRUNKS.

WE FINALLY ARRIVE AT THE TANK, IT IS ACTUALLY 30 FEET TALL THE GIANT LOBSTER IS MAYBE 6 FOOT TALL.

WAITER
Now sir catch your lobster!

BRIAN CLIMBS A LADDER INTO THE TANK.
WE SEE THE TANK IS SURROUNDED BY A BAYING CROWD OF GANGSTERS AND THEIR MOLLS BETTING ON THE ACTION.

SCENE2

TINA LEAVES THE RESTAURANT WITH THE LOBSTER WHO IS WEARING A BOW TIE.

TINA
Ooh nippers you're so butch not like Brian.

BACKGROUND BRIAN IS BEING SERVED ON A GIANT PLATTER TO A FAT BLOKE WHO HAS HIS HEAD IN SOME ENORMOUS NUT CRACKERS.

BRIAN
Not again, why do I always come here.

Nice cartoonish scenario, but not overly satisfying punch. The ACTION description is a bit iffy as well. But it's nice to see your attempt at something like this. Maybe you could add some funny lines for Brian as he's being handed the equipment? It might fill it out a bit?

Will do I suppose it's where I started from.

It'd be dead easy to animate though, that or draw as a comic strip.

I think I like it because it's a longish sketch with one joke in it.

THough I am puzzled why I obsessively write about wide boys being humiliated in restaurants?

Quote: sootyj @ August 23 2010, 11:08 PM BST

It'd be dead easy to animate though, that or draw as a comic strip.

View original

Nothings friggin' easy to animate. But yes, I see what you mean.

Quote: sootyj @ August 23 2010, 11:01 PM BST

Edit 2

BRIAN AND TINA ARE HAVING DINNER IN A WELL POSH FRENCH RESTAURANT THERE IS A LOBSTER TANK IN THE BACK GROUND.

A WAITER APPROACHES

TINA
Funny that Micheal Winner and Vanessa Feltz disapearing in the same week. Do you think they eloped?

BRIAN
Don't care. Have I shown you my Rolex it's got more bling than Argo?

WAITER
Monseiur Madame are you ready to order?

TINA
Ooh it's too expensive, I'll just have a salad.

BRIAN
Not when you're dating Brian Bellamy. What's the most expensive thing on the menu mush?

WAITER
The fresh lobster sir.

BRIAN
Great I'll have the biggest.

TINA
Oh Brian I only want a salad, I've got a jippy tummy.

BRIAN
Right where's my lobster?

WAITER
This way sir. You will need this.

HE HANDS BRIAN A HUGE TRIDENT.

BRIAN
Catch himself my then do I?

WAITER
If Monseiur is lucky.

BRIAN
Eh?

BRIAN AND THE WAITER APPROACH THE TANK IT IS A LONG WAY AWAY, AFTER 50 FEET.
THE WAITER HANDS BRIAN A NET. e.g. THE TANK LOOKS NORMAL SIZED ONLY BECAUSE OF THE DISTANCE

WAITER
And this sir.

BRIAN
Just how big is this fackin crustacean?

WAITER
Big enough for Micheal Winner and Vanessa Feltz on the same day.

BRIAN SUDDENLY LOOKS VERY SCARED

BRIAN
He's only an invertebrate. The bigger they are the harder they fall.

AFTER 100 FEET HE HANDS BRIAN A SNORKEL AND TRUNKS.
BRIAN SAYS NOTHING, HE SWALLOWS NERVOUSLY

WE FINALLY ARRIVE AT THE TANK, IT IS ACTUALLY 30 FEET TALL THE GIANT LOBSTER IS MAYBE 6 FOOT TALL.

WAITER
Now sir catch your lobster!

BRIAN
I knew I should've kept kosher.

BRIAN TURNS TO RUN BUT THE WAITER IS POINTING A PISTOL AT HIM.
BRIAN CLIMBS A LADDER INTO THE TANK.
WE SEE THE TANK IS SURROUNDED BY A BAYING CROWD OF GANGSTERS AND THEIR MOLLS BETTING ON THE ACTION.

SCENE2

TINA LEAVES THE RESTAURANT WITH THE LOBSTER WHO IS WEARING A BOW TIE.

TINA
Ooh nippers you're so butch not like Brian.

BACKGROUND BRIAN IS BEING SERVED ON A GIANT PLATTER TO A FAT BLOKE WHO HAS HIS HEAD IN SOME ENORMOUS NUT CRACKERS.

View original

Instead of this line:

TINA
Ooh nippers you're so butch not like Brian.

How about he pinches Tina's bum, and she giggles?

Why not?

I may add that.

Why not add that line? It's a poor line, unless it's established earlier that Tina is the sort of person to say that, I think.

You're right I'll keep it simple.

I was just trying to make Leevil happy.

I am a bad weak person. I deserve to be in the Libdems.

Quote: sootyj @ August 23 2010, 11:01 PM BST

Edit 3
BRIAN AND TINA ARE HAVING DINNER IN A WELL POSH FRENCH RESTAURANT THERE IS A LOBSTER TANK IN THE BACK GROUND.

A WAITER APPROACHES

WAITER
Monseiur Madame are you ready to order?

TINA
Ooh it's too expensive, I'll just have a salad.

BRIAN
Not when you're dating Brian Bellamy. What's the most expensive thing on the menu mush?

WAITER
The fresh lobster sir.

BRIAN
Great I'll have the biggest.

TINA
Oh Brian I only want a salad, I've got a jippy tummy.

BRIAN
Right where's my lobster?

WAITER
This way sir. You will need this.

HE HANDS BRIAN A HUGE TRIDENT.

BRIAN AND THE WAITER APPROACH THE TANK IT IS A LONG WAY AWAY, AFTER 50 FEET.
THE WAITER HANDS BRIAN A NET. e.g. IT LOOKS NORMAL SIZED ONLY BECAUSE OF THE DISTANCE

WAITER
And this sir.

BRIAN
Big is he?

AFTER 100 FEET HE HANDS BRIAN A SNORKEL AND TRUNKS.

WE FINALLY ARRIVE AT THE TANK, IT IS ACTUALLY 30 FEET TALL THE GIANT LOBSTER IS MAYBE 6 FOOT TALL.

WAITER
Now sir catch your lobster!

BRIAN CLIMBS A LADDER INTO THE TANK.
WE SEE THE TANK IS SURROUNDED BY A BAYING CROWD OF GANGSTERS AND THEIR MOLLS BETTING ON THE ACTION.

SCENE2

TINA LEAVES THE RESTAURANT WITH THE LOBSTER WHO IS WEARING A BOW TIE.

TINA
Ooh nippers you're so butch not like Brian.

BACKGROUND BRIAN IS BEING SERVED ON A GIANT PLATTER TO A FAT BLOKE WHO HAS HIS HEAD IN SOME ENORMOUS NUT CRACKERS.

View original

Quote: sootyj @ August 23 2010, 11:30 PM BST

You're right I'll keep it simple.

I was just trying to make Leevil happy.

I am a bad weak person. I deserve to be in the Libdems.

View original

I appreciated it. I agree with Griff though, but I still think that line needs to go.

It's gone in the 3rd draft.

Quote: Griff @ August 23 2010, 11:35 PM BST

So are you going to animate this for Sooty, Leevil?

View original

LEEVIL LEAVES CRITIQUE WITH GRIFF WHO IS WEARING A BOW TIE.

IN THE BACKGROUND SOOTY IS BEING SERVED ON A GIANT PLATTER TO A FAT BLOKE WHO HAS HIS HEAD IN SOME ENORMOUS NUT CRACKERS.

SOOTYJ LOOKS TO THE CAMERA

SOOTYJ
I still got the better deal!

And that goes for the sketch as well.

It has potential. It's ok so far, but I think you aren't mining the entire potential of the sketch. Several recommendations:

I think the beginning could be a little funnier. Like funnier lines from the guy at the table (have it derive from character if this is a cartoon thing).

I think the timing would be better if the waiter handed all items one right after the other. Such as:

"You'll be needing this"

(hands snorkel and fins)

"And this"

(hands net)

"And this"

(hands trident)

Also, if you have a scene where girl goes with guy and it's like an underground betting ring, where we see Lobster warming up for fight. Maybe Lobster even does a taunt, leering at girl.

Then it'll make more sense with girl leaving with lobster.

My 2 cents. I thought it was decent.