Probably next one that's going to be animated.
Credits to Mr. Putters.
Thoughts are very welcome.
EXT. PUB
Tracking shot appears from inside a bush. Mike runs past holding a baby upside down by it's feet. The shot follows him through a picnic area beside the pub.
Mike barrels though a door into the pub.
INT. PUB
Mike sits down at the bar and puts the baby down. His nappy is full and visibly stinking.
Mike
Usual Greg, I'm gasping.
Greg Looks at the baby the holds his nose in revulsion
Greg
No way, you need to get that little poop machine cleaned up it's putting off the punters.
We look round the room there is only one other person here and he is sleeping with his face in the peanuts.
Greg
God take him to the changing room out back. Before he gives me hepatitis.
Mike
We have a changing room?
Greg
I put them in to attract single mothers.
INT. Changing room (Mike's dreamworld)
The Baby is inside a large plastic box they kind they store radioactive materials in. Dressed in a Haz Mat suit Mike begins to delicate operation of removing the nappy.
Beads of sweat trickles down Mike's forehead, biting his lip in concentration.
MIKE
That's got it!
The nappy comes alive in his gloved hand, 'snaps'.
Fighting with the aggressive nappy Mike tries to put it in the bin. But there is no room.
Mike runs out of the Bathroom with the nappy.
Greg
(o.o.v)
Oh my god! What is that! What is that smell? It's burning my eyes throw it out the window.
EXT. PUB
Outside a large anteater sits on a picnic blanket. He reaches in his picnic basket and produces a jar full of ants which he tips ontop the bread making an ant sandwich.
He closes his eyes and goes to take a large bite. The nappy flies from the window and lands on the sandwich.
His large nose recoils and he looks at it in disgust as his eyes water.
The toxic fumes transform one of the ants into a hulking creature. It grabs the anteater around the neck and starts pummelling him.
INT. changing room (Normal)
Mike's struggling to put the new nappy straight back on.
MIKE
Right, so I undo these tabs & stick them to the sides. [Long pause] But they don't stick!
Mike waves the nappy packet in the air in frustration.
MIKE
What does this even mean!? I'm sure I must be missing some bits here, I don't have *that* on *this* model.
Mike holds the baby up at arms length, the nappy slides slowly off and falls to the floor revealing the babies bum.
MIKE
Hmmmm.
In the window we can see the ant eater fighting with the monster ant. The anteater claws his way onto the window frame before being pulled away.
Mike routes around in the nappy bag.
MIKE
This is ridiculous! You're only going to soil yourself in another twenty minutes anyway. Where's that tape?
Looking out of the window, the baby smiles and gurgles. He points.
The ant eater does some funky karate moves and transforms into a large mechanised version of himself.
He attacks but slips on the discarded nappy, hurtles into the monster ant, which lands of top of him.
Mike pats himself down. He finds some black electrical tape.
The large toxic ant is jumping up and down on the mecha-anteater. It gets tired and sits down. An ice cream truck passes. The monster ant chases it.
We see Mike's back, and hear lots of tape being pulled off the reel
Mike steps back, revealing baby. It looks like it's wearing a tyre. Mike picks the baby up gives it a shake to make sure the nappy is secure.
MIKE
Ta-da!
He puts the baby back onto the baby changing mat, where it weebles around in its tyre like nappy.
The mecha-anteater eject seat finally goes off firing him into a tree.
Mike picks up the baby, and looks into it's big blue eyes and a big chubby face, calm nursery rhyme-type music begins to play and Mike starts to relax as he looks at the baby.
Suddenly the music starts to twist into a hellish song. Mike looks at the baby and sees flashes of it growing up, the noise, the mess, and the arguments.
He tries to look away but he's trapped in the evil gaze, the music climaxes and Mike's face melts from its skull.
End
