Alcohol Swab Sketch

Constructive criticism welcome.

Alcohol Swab Sketch

INT. BEDROOM
A MAN and a WOMAN are kissing in bed.

MAN
You ready to do it?

WOMAN
Oh yes.

They smile lustfully as the MAN pulls out a small square packet. They look as the MAN tears it open to reveal a small, white alcohol swab.

MAN
Um...

WOMAN
Hang on, then what does your twin brother have?

MAN
Oh Lord.

INT. PEDIATRIC HOSPITAL
The MAN's twin brother is a PEDIATRICIAN. A LITLE GIRL is getting ready to take a flu shot as the PEDIATRICIAN pulls out a similar looking small square packet.

PEDIATRICIAN
Don't worry, Susie. This is only going to hurt a little.

The PEDIATRICIAN is smiling as he tears open the small square packet.

It's a good idea but perhaps to many leaps of believability for what's quite a small mistake.

Here's my thoughts Thomas.

I'd scrap the second half of the sketch. Keep it as a bedroom scene.

THE COUPLE ARE HEAVY PETTING WHEN THE WOMAN SAYS:
Do you want to go all the way?

MAN: (excited)
Too right.

WOMAN REVEALS PACKET, MAN IS SMILING. THE WOMAN OPENS PACKET TO REVEAL IT IS AN ALCOHOL SWAB.

WOMAN:
No worries, I'll just take your DNA then. If I get pregnant you can help with maintenance.

Also, better to call it bedroom sketch rather than alcohol swab sketch IMO.

Yes I do agree with Nigel on this one. Good Idea though & you could do a series of bedroom scenes like this.

I couldn't disagree more. the sketch works well as it is, with perhaps the addition of a horrified parent punching the brother. Very clever, by the way, having a 'twin' brother, as obviously you can employ one actor to play both roles.

I myself am somewhere in between. The snag in my opinion is some of the lines between the couple. I cannot work out if they are first time lovers or have slept together before, so I find the the line "Hang on, then what does your twin brother have?" a little clunky.

The joke is a good one and the shorter version Sooty suggests would work as well as the full version that Mr Paterson is a fan of, but, I think it would need re writing to make it the dialogue more natural.