I have had so many but one time I had a forever fanny fart on a one night stand. It kept rambling on & on & would not shut up. I tried shifting positions but it just got worse. In the end my stand said to me "Shall we re try in the morning when youve aired". 
Queef!
I'm going to regret posting this in the morning.
My first "full sex" experience was with a girl called Christine I think. It's a hazy memory, probably because my mind has tried to blot out the awful details. I'm sure she was called Christine. But it might have been Patsy. Anyway, this is how I remember it.
I was 15, she was 18, and she smelled of Kouros aftershave because she wore it to remind herself of her real boyfriend who was in prison for GBH. (Romantic. I know). We'd been going out for a few months I think.
This was at a time when I thought what girls really wanted was to be stared at, really up-close, and be told how beautiful they were, before snuggling down on the bed and again telling them how beautiful they were whilst stroking their hair, and then telling them how beautiful they were again. It worked for the first few dates but three months in, she was getting bored.
So the fateful night came when she took my hand and put it somewhere else on her body apart from her hair.
Excited? So was I. Tremblingly, nauseously, flatulently excited.
Anyway we got down to the filthy act and I was so ridiculously nervous that I started losing - well - rigidity. It was at that point that I decided to invent the biggest lie I'd ever told. It was either that or tell the truth and be forever labelled a no-dick loser. So I called upon my best bullshit skills in the hope that I might salvage the tiniest piece of dignity from this horrendous situation.
So.
I yelled "Shit, no!" and rolled over dramatically, out of the bed, onto the floor, clutching my groin. She poked her head over the side of the bed, Madonna lace ribbon in her hair dangling down. I told her that I'd injured my willy (yes, I actually called it my willy).
I told her that I'd stood up too quickly in Maths class and fainted, striking it on a sharp desk corner. This had obviously caused deep chafing, rendering me unable to complete the sex act.
She offered me gentle loving, but with a quick peck on her cheek I was away like a frightened fawn, tripping and clattering down her stairs, hot stinging tears welling in my eyes as the horrendous images of my ineffectual teenage thrustings bubbled to the surface of my tortured mind.
When I got home I think I had a wank.
Well you asked.
Quote: Lee Henman @ August 18 2010, 2:46 AM BSTI'm going to regret posting this in the morning.
My first "full sex" experience was with a girl called Christine I think. It's a hazy memory, probably because my mind has tried to blot out the awful details. I'm sure she was called Christine. But it might have been Patsy. Anyway, this is how I remember it.
I was 15, she was 18, and she smelled of Kouros aftershave because she wore it to remind herself of her real boyfriend who was in prison for GBH. (Romantic. I know). We'd been going out for a few months I think.
This was at a time when I thought what girls really wanted was to be stared at, really up-close, and be told how beautiful they were, before snuggling down on the bed and again telling them how beautiful they were whilst stroking their hair, and then telling them how beautiful they were again. It worked for the first few dates but three months in, she was getting bored.
So the fateful night came when she took my hand and put it somewhere else on her body apart from her hair.
Excited? So was I. Tremblingly, nauseously, flatulently excited.
Anyway we got down to the filthy act and I was so ridiculously nervous that I started losing - well - rigidity. It was at that point that I decided to invent the biggest lie I'd ever told. It was either that or tell the truth and be forever labelled a no-dick loser. So I called upon my best bullshit skills in the hope that I might salvage the tiniest piece of dignity from this horrendous situation.
So.
I yelled "Shit, no!" and rolled over dramatically, out of the bed, onto the floor, clutching my groin. She poked her head over the side of the bed, Madonna lace ribbon in her hair dangling down. I told her that I'd injured my willy (yes, I actually called it my willy).
I told her that I'd stood up too quickly in Maths class and fainted, striking it on a sharp desk corner. This had obviously caused deep chafing, rendering me unable to complete the sex act.She offered me gentle loving, but with a quick peck on her cheek I was away like a frightened fawn, tripping and clattering down her stairs, hot stinging tears welling in my eyes as the horrendous images of my ineffectual teenage thrustings bubbled to the surface of my tortured mind.
When I got home I think I had a wank.
Well you asked.
Excellent. I quoted so you can't take it back! That would make a great sketch. Very young lad & very Inbetweeners.
Quote: Lee Henman @ August 18 2010, 2:46 AM BSTI'm going to regret posting this in the morning.
I don't think you need worry, surely no-one here would stoop to mocking you about such a personal memory. Also, having shared it, you might better understand why you now can only enjoy having sex with your pets.
Quote: Lee Henman @ August 18 2010, 2:46 AM BSTI'm going to regret posting this in the morning.
My first "full sex" experience was with a girl called Christine I think. It's a hazy memory, probably because my mind has tried to blot out the awful details. I'm sure she was called Christine. But it might have been Patsy. Anyway, this is how I remember it.
I was 15, she was 18, and she smelled of Kouros aftershave because she wore it to remind herself of her real boyfriend who was in prison for GBH. (Romantic. I know). We'd been going out for a few months I think.
This was at a time when I thought what girls really wanted was to be stared at, really up-close, and be told how beautiful they were, before snuggling down on the bed and again telling them how beautiful they were whilst stroking their hair, and then telling them how beautiful they were again. It worked for the first few dates but three months in, she was getting bored.
So the fateful night came when she took my hand and put it somewhere else on her body apart from her hair.
Excited? So was I. Tremblingly, nauseously, flatulently excited.
Anyway we got down to the filthy act and I was so ridiculously nervous that I started losing - well - rigidity. It was at that point that I decided to invent the biggest lie I'd ever told. It was either that or tell the truth and be forever labelled a no-dick loser. So I called upon my best bullshit skills in the hope that I might salvage the tiniest piece of dignity from this horrendous situation.
So.
I yelled "Shit, no!" and rolled over dramatically, out of the bed, onto the floor, clutching my groin. She poked her head over the side of the bed, Madonna lace ribbon in her hair dangling down. I told her that I'd injured my willy (yes, I actually called it my willy).
I told her that I'd stood up too quickly in Maths class and fainted, striking it on a sharp desk corner. This had obviously caused deep chafing, rendering me unable to complete the sex act.She offered me gentle loving, but with a quick peck on her cheek I was away like a frightened fawn, tripping and clattering down her stairs, hot stinging tears welling in my eyes as the horrendous images of my ineffectual teenage thrustings bubbled to the surface of my tortured mind.
When I got home I think I had a wank.
Well you asked.
Just in case you fancied deleting that story...
Both of those are great.
I remember when I was about 17/18 I was going out with a guy who still lived at home and although his door was closed his Dad had the most annoying habit of opening the door whilst knocking.
This led to various moments of just dropping down flat in what ever position we were to pretend we were asleep. Although whether he'd believed his son had fallen asleep led on top of me led on my front I don't know. The worst time was when we were in his bathroom (ensuite) and he was going down on me and his Dad walked in then. There was no escaping that one. I seem to remember just saying "Alright Taff," Nessa like, and he left.
I bet he highfived his son later.
Well I can't beat any of those episodes, but I cringingly recall the days when I was a young herring and not used to girls and stuff, and very shy and awkward. I got dumped by a girl for taking too long to snog her on a first date! I was mortified. Then another time I did get a girl back, it was like a scene from The 40 Year Old Virgin (great film btw).
I didn't know then that having your collection of books and records all neatly categorised doesn't look sexy to girls, nor does folding your clothes up into a neat little pile before getting into bed. This bird actually got out of bed and kicked my neatly folded clothes off the chair! I see now that it was supposed to make me feel more sexy and less inhibited, but it made me scared of her and I had the the same problem someone else did with my willy. Didn't see that one again either. Not so much embarrassing as just very awkward.
All of it.
Cat sex will always be awkward and embarassing Chip.
Meeeooow.
Is there any that isn't embarrassing?
From what I can remember. I very much doubt I could manage it now. I mean, it's a lot of hassle, isn't it?
Quote: john lucas 101 @ August 18 2010, 10:03 AM BSTI mean, it's a lot of hassle, isn't it?
I often wonder if Hugh Hefner yearns to do conventional old-bloke stuff like tending his allotment, instead of going through whatever pains he must endure trying to cope with a bevy of girls young enough to be his great, great, great...well, they've probably evolved into a whole new species they're so far removed from him.