I read the first scene, but nothing much seems to happen; nothing funny anyway. It's just the characters saying 'we're students' and 'I'm lazy, she's not'; and then into opening credits. Try and get a funny line or two, or funny image, in amongst the info dump; something that will immediately make the reader want to carry on.
I agree with what's been said already, needs more funny (Afinkawan's example is spot on, much funnier) and the characters need to leap off the page more.
Also nothing really happens to make me want to know what happens next, it's a bit like a series of unrelated conversations that establish a hint of character but not much else. Sorry to sound negative, it's still a damn sight better than the first thing I ever wrote...
Last thing, at the top of your original post you describe one character as making 'anal comments'? Does this mean he farts on people to let them know what he thinks of them, or should that read 'banal'?
I imagine he means comments of an anal retentive nature, with the psychological rather than constipatory bent.
Quote: Marc P @ August 6 2010, 3:57 PM BSTI imagine he means comments of an anal retentive nature, with the psychological rather than constipatory bent.
It was hard work getting to the end of that sentence. A lot of straining was required.
I'll take that with a pinch of salts.
I wish I had a witty retort, but I'm blocked.
Don't worry you'll be flushed with success soon enough.
put a plug in it you two
BB's right. This thread's driving me round the u-bend.
you know, I can't get my head round that U-bend