Untitled Sitcom

There is a name in the pipelines, I am just picky as I feel the name is an important part of it. This is the first script I have ever written. And it is a draft. A first draft... And I didn't get above a C for English at GCSE, so plz taik this thingz intwo akkownt.

It is a sitcom based on the house of students;

Dave Richards - An art student who is the Rocky Balboa of the Tetris world. He is mainly an artist to avoid getting a job - which terrifies him. He is constantly struggling to try and see the liberal 'art' view, he enjoys drinking alcohol, playing computer games, sci-fi.

Will Bird - A sociology student, sarcastic/clueless about everything. Rather serious. He enjoys making anal comments about people, gossiping and doing boring stuff.

Alex Grove - Another art student who is the stereotypical art student - wears berets, smoke long pencil cigarettes, pretentious and passive. He likes talking about art, theory, philosophy and liberal politics.

Hazel Andrews - A fashion student, strong, independent woman, who likes to be on the move constantly. Bit of a slag, as well.

It deals with their struggle to find money and work their way through the oddity of life. Here is the first part of the script, I focused mostly on trying to let the characters personalities come through, whilst trying to get some humour in, but it is essentially just starting up in these fist scenes.
__________________________________________________________________________

SCENE 1. INT. DAVE'S ROOM (12:45)

THERE ARE FLASHING SHOTS OF A CLOCK, A LAPTOP SCREEN AND A YOUNG MAN'S HEAD RESTING ON A DESKTOP. THE MANS EYELID'S OPEN RIGIDLY AND HIS HEAD SOON FOLLOWS. HE LOOKS AROUND, SLIGHTLY PERPLEXED, YAWNS AND THEN RUBS HIS EYES. HE TURNS TO HIS LAPTOP TO SEE A 'GAME OVER' SCREEN OVERLAYING A TETRIS GAME.

HE ARISES FROM HIS CHAIR YAWNS, STRETCHES AND THEN PROCEEDS TO OPEN HIS CURTAINS AND BE BLINDED BY DAYLIGHT. SQUINTING, HE LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW TO SEE HIS FLAT MATE, WHO IS SITTING CROSS-LEGGED IN THE GARDEN. HE LEAVES THE ROOM.

UPON LEAVING HIS ROOM HE WALKS ACROSS THE CORRIDOR APPROACHING THE BATHROOM, WHEN THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND HE IS MET BY HIS OTHER WIDE-EYED FLAT MATE.

HAZEL:
Morning.

DAVE:
Morning.

HAZEL
(CONFUSED LOOK) Have you... only just woken up?

DAVE:
RUBS HIS EYES AND STUMBLES
Yeah.
GOES TO LOOK AT A WATCH THAT ISN'T THERE

HAZEL:
But, it's almost 1 in the afternoon!

DAVE:
Yes. I know. And? I don't have anything to do today, anyway.

HAZEL:
You don't have anything to do any day. You should really get a job...
SHE IS CUT-OFF

DAVE:
I don't want to get a job, I'm a student. Alright? That means I don't have to get a job. It's part of the deal.

HAZEL:
Well, I'm a student and I've got a job.
DAVE ROLLS HIS EYES
You know, the early bird gets the worm.

DAVE:
Yeah, well, I don't like worms.
PUSHES PAST INTO THE BATHROOM
(Yells over his shoulder) And I'm not a bird either. (Pause) In either way. Not in the metaphorical sense - that would just be ridiculous and I'm not-

HER DOORS CLOSES AND HE RELISES HE IS TALKING TO HIMSELF, HE QUICKLY LOSES INTEREST IN WHAT HE WAS SAYING AND CLOSES THE BATHROOM DOOR
WE HEAR WATER BEGIN TO FROM THE SHOWER AND MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY AS THE OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE BEGINS.

WE SEE VARIOUS SHOTS AROUND THE BATHROOM, SOAPY WATER FLOWING OVER THE MOSS GROWING IN THE CORNERS OF THE BATH. SHOTS FROM THE BATHROOM WINDOW TO THE GARDEN.

THE SQUEAK OF METAL SIGNIFIES THE STOP OF THE WATER FLOW AND DAVE'S FOOT IS SEEING HITTING THE GROUND.

SCENE 2. INT. KITCHEN (13:00)

DAVE IS SEEN WORKING HIS WAY DOWN THE STAIRS IN A DRESSING GOWN AND INTO THE KITCHEN WHERE HE SWITCHES THE KETTLE ON AND SLUMPS HIMSELF ACROSS THE KITCHEN COUNTER

HAZEL:
I was thinking that later we could all go down to the supermarket and do some shopping together.

DAVE'S HEAD IS TILTED BACK AND HIS EYES CLOSED

HAZEL: (CONT'D)
Because, well, we really need...

HER VOICE TURNS INTO A DISTANT MURMUR AS A FIRST HAND VIEW OF DAVE AS HE STARES AT THE EVERY INCREASING PRESSURE IN THE KETTLE IN A TENSE MOMENT

THE KETTLE CLICKS

HAZEL: (CONT'D)
So, shopping later?

DAVE:
Yeah, whatever. (Said disinterested, rather than malicious)

DAVE POURS THE BOILING WATER INTO HIS CUP AND IS SEEN FROWNING AS THE CAMERA SHOW A CLOSE SHOT OF A FLY FLOATING AROUND IN THE TEA.

DAVE SCOOPS IT OUT WITH A TEASPOON AND FLICKS IT ACROSS THE KITCHEN. ALL THE WHILE HAZEL LOOKING ON IN DISGUST, BEFORE TURNING AROUND AND LEAVING THE KITCHEN.

DAVE MAKES HIS WAY ACROSS THE KITCHEN AND OUT INTO THE GARDEN.

SCENE 3. EXT. GARDEN (13:00)

DAVE APPROACHES HIS FLAT MATE, ALEX, WHO IS READING A BOOK AND DOESN'T LOOK UP TO GREET DAVE AS HE COMES CLOSER. HE IS EVENTUALLY FORCED TO LOOK UP, RESENTFULLY, AFTER DAVE CASTS A SHADOW OVER HIS LITERATURE. HE LOOKS UP TO SEE DAVE, WHO MAKES A LAME ATTEMPT AT A SMILE.

DAVE:
What'cha reading?

ALEX:
Nothing that you would be interested I'm sure. (Sneering)

DAVE:
No. Come on. Try me.

ALEX:
Not unless you happen to be interested in the work of Gabriel Marcel's opinion on existentialism.

DAVE:
SMILING SHEEPISHLY TO PRETEND THAT HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT
Yeah. Well, I happen to be very well clued-up on... that, thank you very much.

ALEX:
(Reading his book again) I'm sure.

DAVE PUFFS WHILST STILL FORCING A HALF GRIN, TO MAKE IT SEEM AS IF HE HAS WON THE ARGUMENT AND HEAD BACK INSIDE.

SCENE 4. INT. DAVE'S ROOM (13:00)

AN OVER EXTRAVAGANT ACTION SHOT OF DAVE FLYING INTO HIS DESK CHAIR AND FIRING-UP A NEW GAME OF TETRIS, AS HE APPEARS TO LIGHTEN-UP FOR THE FIRST TIME.
WHILE HE IS BUSY PLAYING AWAY, HIS DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND WILL ENTERS THE ROOM - STONEY FACED AND BEGINS TO MAKE HIS WAY OVER TO DAVE, SLOWLY. HE STANDS THERE SILENTLY, WATCHING DAVE PLAY. DAVE EVENTUALLY CATCHES HIM IN THE CORNER OF HIS EYE, DOUBLE TAKES AND THEN JUMPS - SURPRISED.

WILL:
Dave... (Still looking at Tetris screen)

DAVE;
Yes?

WILL:
Did you, er, use my soap this morning?
WILL HOLDS UP A PIECE OF SOAP

DAVE:
No... (Double-taking again) why?

WILL:
There's a hair on it
WILL PROCEEDS TO HOLD-UP THE BAR OF SOAP AND THERE IS A CLOSE-UP OF IT.

DAVE:
That's a blonde hair...

THERE IS A BLANK STARE FROM WILL

WILL:
Yeah. Is it yours?

DAVE:
HAVING LOST ALL INTEREST IN THE TETRIS GAME COMPLETELY
(Looking confused) ... No...
I've got black hair...

WILL:
Oh, have you?

DAVE LOOKS SLIGHTLY SHOCKED

WILL LEAVES THE ROOM

DAVE IS LEFT SITTING, CONFUSED, BUT EVENTUALLY BEGINS PLAYING TETRIS AGAIN.

SCENE 4. INT. HALLWAY (14:00)

THE 4 FLAT MATES ARE SEEN TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME AS THEY ARE PREPARING TO GO SHOPPING. HAZEL IS PUTTING HER COAT ON, ALEX IS STILL READING, WILL IS STANDING AWKWARDLY AND DAVE IS PULLING FACE IN THE MIRROR WHILE IRONICALLY TRYING TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK BETTER.

DAVE LOOKS AT THE PILE OF JUNK MAIL.

DAVE:
(Tuts) Why do people push so much of this through our letter box? Sometimes I think that we should just cement it up.

WILL:
We couldn't get any post that way.

DAVE:
Well, okay then... have some sort of thing that just attacks people who aren't postmen, like a dog or a laser.

ALEX:
(Snide) Genius.

DAVE:
Well you'll be complaining too, when there is so much junk mail that we won't even be able to get out o the house and they'll be so much paper that... we'll have to just burn it all. How would you react then? Would you still be so (mocking) 'oh, I'm passive, nothing bothers me, I'm but a pebble in the stream of life.'

HAZEL:
Okay, shall we go?

DAVE:
Yeah, how's that for your extrovertism?

I think you'll find it very difficult to market a sitcom about a house of students as productions companies get 1000s of "student house-shares" every week.

I don't mean to sound like Darren Lamb from 'Extras' (ie; being completely unloyal to my original plan), but if them being students is an issue, I think that this could be sacrificed. I am aware that allot of changes and edits will have to be made, but I think I could do this while still getting my writing in.

I could change it so that instead of being students, the ones who don't have jobs could be on the doll, instead. The point I am really trying to get across is the idea that they (or at least 3/4 of them) are almost void from society, awkward and out of place, with fear of them entering the 'real' world. That makes it sound rather dramatic (I am going to have some dramatic moments as all good comedies do), but don't get me wrong, I am aiming for humour, of course, but I still want to get my intentions and story straight.

Being students is not the issue as such. It's more the "group of lazy and/or socially inept students sharing a house" concept.

Prod companies get tonnes of scripts like that.

What you need to do is make your script stand out from the rest. Make the characters unique somehow. And avoid stereotypes.

I pretty much agree with what Mikey said - 'bunch of losers in a flat' has been done to death.

The 'Rocky Balboa of Tetris' bit at the beginning was intriguing and you might get a less worn out angle by concentrating on that as a focal point of the sitcom, perhaps as a reason why DAVE is avoiding the real world - he wants to become world champion or something.

And a nice visual gag like the fly in the tea - you could make more of it.

DAVE POURS THE BOILING WATER INTO HIS CUP AND IS SEEN FROWNING AS THE CAMERA SHOWS A CLOSE SHOT OF A FLY FLOATING AROUND IN THE TEA.

DAVE SCOOPS IT OUT WITH A TEASPOON AND, WITH A LOOK OF DEEP CONCENTRATION, SPENDS SEVERAL SECONDS TRYING TO RESCUE AS MUCH TEA FROM THE SPOON BACK INTO HIS CUP AS POSSIBLE. THEN HE FLICKS THE FLY ACROSS THE KITCHEN TO HIT A DARTBOARD. DAVE WALKS OVER TO THE DARTBOARD AND CHECKS WHERE THE FLY LANDED.

DAVE: 13. Rubbish.

DAVE GOES TO THE SCOREBOARD NEXT TO THE DARTBOARD. IN ONE COLUMN IS DAVE'S SCORE, IN THE NEXT IS WILL'S SCORE. DAVE SUBTRACTS 13 FROM HIS SCORE WITH CHALK. THEY'VE OBVIOUSLY BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR A WHILE. HAZEL LEAVES THE KITCHEN IN DISGUST.

Something like that.

Thanks for the replies you two, I will continue to change and tweak the idea, or if the worst comes to the worst and I feel it really isn't working, I could always change the idea drastically. I was thinking, rather than tackling the idea of generating a whole sitcom on its own, that I could just post individual skits that I have come up with to build up some momentum and ideas for my ongoing sitcom.

Not trying to be a Luvvie, but Afinkawan's addition did make me smile. And it shows how much exta potential that scene had.

Like he said, 'bunch of losers in a flat' has been done to death, but it doesn't mean the end of your project. What you need to do is give it a Unique Selling Point, something different to add to the flatshare mix.

PS. Sociology student. Uh Oh. That was done in 1982. The Young Ones. (student flatshare)

Why not make them a bunch of university lecurers rather than students at say the Univeristy of Essex and you can keep it pretty much as it is and still be original.

Quote: Marc P @ August 6 2010, 1:45 PM BST

Why not make them a bunch of university lecurers rather than students at say the Univeristy of Essex and you can keep it pretty much as it is and still be original.

View original

Better yet, how about the University of Exeter?

Quote: Marc P @ August 6 2010, 1:45 PM BST

Why not make them a bunch of university lecurers rather than students at say the Univeristy of Essex and you can keep it pretty much as it is and still be original.

View original

Good idea. You get a Stott seal of approval.

S.S.O.A.

I clipped some of your dialogue that seemed unnecessary, also when you use fullstops they indicate to the actor to pause but you need six of them. If you intend a line to be cut short because another actor cuts in, you uses a dash -.
I found that Dave said 'well' too many times.
Hope this is ok, it is intended as constructive criticism.

......................................................................

HAZEL:
Morning.

DAVE:
Morning.

HAZEL [Confused look]
Have you......only just woken up?

DAVE:
[RUBS HIS EYES AND STUMBLES]
Yeah.
GOES TO LOOK AT A WATCH THAT ISN'T THERE

HAZEL:
But, it's almost 1 in the afternoon!

DAVE:
Yes. I know. And? I don't have anything to do today.

HAZEL:
You should really get a job-

DAVE:
I'm a student. Alright? That means I don't have to get a job. It's part of the deal.

HAZEL:
This student's got a job.
DAVE ROLLS HIS EYES
You know, the early bird gets the worm.

DAVE:
Yeah, well, I don't like worms.
PUSHES PAST INTO THE BATHROOM
(Yells over his shoulder) And I'm not a bird either......in either way. Not in the metaphorical sense......that would just be ridiculous and I'm not-

HER DOORS CLOSES AND HE RELISES HE IS TALKING TO HIMSELF, HE QUICKLY LOSES INTEREST IN WHAT HE WAS SAYING AND CLOSES THE BATHROOM DOOR
WE HEAR WATER BEGIN TO FROM THE SHOWER AND MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY AS THE OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE BEGINS.

WE SEE VARIOUS SHOTS AROUND THE BATHROOM, SOAPY WATER FLOWING OVER THE MOSS GROWING IN THE CORNERS OF THE BATH. SHOTS FROM THE BATHROOM WINDOW TO THE GARDEN.

THE SQUEAK OF METAL SIGNIFIES THE STOP OF THE WATER FLOW AND DAVE'S FOOT IS SEEING HITTING THE GROUND.

SCENE 2. INT. KITCHEN (13:00)

DAVE IS SEEN WORKING HIS WAY DOWN THE STAIRS IN A DRESSING GOWN AND INTO THE KITCHEN WHERE HE SWITCHES THE KETTLE ON AND SLUMPS HIMSELF ACROSS THE KITCHEN COUNTER

HAZEL:
I was thinking that we could all go down to the supermarket later and do some shopping together.

[DAVE'S HEAD IS TILTED BACK AND HIS EYES CLOSED]

Because, well, we really need......

[HER VOICE TURNS INTO A DISTANT MURMUR AS A FIRST HAND VIEW OF DAVE AS HE STARES AT THE EVERY INCREASING PRESSURE IN THE KETTLE IN A TENSE MOMENT
THE KETTLE CLICKS]

So, shopping later?

DAVE: [Disinterested]
Whatever.

DAVE POURS THE BOILING WATER INTO HIS CUP AND IS SEEN FROWNING AS THE CAMERA SHOW A CLOSE SHOT OF A FLY FLOATING AROUND IN THE TEA.

DAVE SCOOPS IT OUT WITH A TEASPOON AND FLICKS IT ACROSS THE KITCHEN. ALL THE WHILE HAZEL LOOKING ON IN DISGUST, BEFORE TURNING AROUND AND LEAVING THE KITCHEN.

DAVE MAKES HIS WAY ACROSS THE KITCHEN AND OUT INTO THE GARDEN.

SCENE 3. EXT. GARDEN (13:00)

DAVE APPROACHES HIS FLAT MATE, ALEX, WHO IS READING A BOOK AND DOESN'T LOOK UP TO GREET DAVE AS HE COMES CLOSER. HE IS EVENTUALLY FORCED TO LOOK UP, RESENTFULLY, AFTER DAVE CASTS A SHADOW OVER HIS LITERATURE. HE LOOKS UP TO SEE DAVE, WHO MAKES A LAME ATTEMPT AT A SMILE.

DAVE:
What'cha reading?

ALEX: [Sneering]
Nothing that you would be interested in I'm sure.

DAVE:
No. Come on. Try me.

ALEX:
Not unless you happen to be interested in the work of Gabriel Marcel's opinion on existentialism.

DAVE:
SMILING SHEEPISHLY TO PRETEND THAT HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT
Yeah. Well, I happen to be very well clued-up on......that, thank you very much.

ALEX:
(Reading his book again) I'm sure.

DAVE PUFFS WHILST STILL FORCING A HALF GRIN, TO MAKE IT SEEM AS IF HE HAS WON THE ARGUMENT AND HEAD BACK INSIDE.

SCENE 4. INT. DAVE'S ROOM (13:00)

AN OVER EXTRAVAGANT ACTION SHOT OF DAVE FLYING INTO HIS DESK CHAIR AND FIRING-UP A NEW GAME OF TETRIS, AS HE APPEARS TO LIGHTEN-UP FOR THE FIRST TIME.
WHILE HE IS BUSY PLAYING AWAY, HIS DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND WILL ENTERS THE ROOM - STONEY FACED AND BEGINS TO MAKE HIS WAY OVER TO DAVE, SLOWLY. HE STANDS THERE SILENTLY, WATCHING DAVE PLAY. DAVE EVENTUALLY CATCHES HIM IN THE CORNER OF HIS EYE, DOUBLE TAKES AND THEN JUMPS - SURPRISED.

WILL:
Dave.

DAVE; [Still looking at Tetris screen]
Yes?

WILL:
Did you, er, use my soap this morning?
WILL HOLDS UP A PIECE OF SOAP

DAVE:
No...... (Double-taking again) why?

WILL:
There's a hair on it
WILL PROCEEDS TO HOLD-UP THE BAR OF SOAP AND THERE IS A CLOSE-UP OF IT.

DAVE:
That's a blonde hair-

THERE IS A BLANK STARE FROM WILL

WILL:
Yeah. Is it yours?

DAVE:
HAVING LOST ALL INTEREST IN THE TETRIS GAME COMPLETELY
(Looking confused) ...... No......
I've got black hair.

WILL:
Oh, have you?

DAVE LOOKS SLIGHTLY SHOCKED

WILL LEAVES THE ROOM

DAVE IS LEFT SITTING, CONFUSED, BUT EVENTUALLY BEGINS PLAYING TETRIS AGAIN.

SCENE 4. INT. HALLWAY (14:00)

THE 4 FLAT MATES ARE SEEN TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME AS THEY ARE PREPARING TO GO SHOPPING. HAZEL IS PUTTING HER COAT ON, ALEX IS STILL READING, WILL IS STANDING AWKWARDLY AND DAVE IS PULLING FACE IN THE MIRROR WHILE IRONICALLY TRYING TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK BETTER.

DAVE LOOKS AT THE PILE OF JUNK MAIL.

DAVE: [Tuts]
Why do people push so much of this through our letter box? Sometimes I think that we should just cement it up.

WILL:
We couldn't get any post that way.

DAVE:
Okay then......have some sort of thing that just attacks people who aren't postmen, like a dog or a laser......or a cannon facing the door.

ALEX: [Snidey]
Genius.

DAVE:
You'll be complaining too, when there's that much junk mail we can't get out of the house and so much paper......we'll have to just burn it all. How would you react then? Would you still be so (mocking) 'oh, I'm passive, nothing bothers me, I'm but a pebble in the stream of life.'

HAZEL:
Okay, shall we go?

DAVE:
Yeah, how's that for your extrovertism?

......................................................

Quote: David Bussell @ August 6 2010, 1:49 PM BST

Better yet, how about the University of Exeter?

View original

He doesn't go there, and CHIP was the subject of my brutal swipe there

Quote: Matthew Stott @ August 6 2010, 1:49 PM BST

Good idea. You get a Stott seal of approval.

S.S.O.A.

View original

Hurrah.

Quote: Marc P @ August 6 2010, 2:15 PM BST

Hurrah.

View original

S.S.O.A. rescinded due to lack of enthusiasm.

Quote: Marc P @ August 6 2010, 2:15 PM BST

He doesn't go there, and CHIP was the subject of my brutal swipe there

View original

It's Wound Chip Day, is it?

Quote: chipolata @ August 6 2010, 2:30 PM BST

It's Wound Chip Day, is it?

View original

Is it? But I've prepared nothing.