STEVE IS PRESENTING A SURVIVAL SHOW.
STEVE:
Hey there, for years I was a member of the SAS and was part of their special ops team. These operations sent me all around the world into dangerous and inhospitable places, now I'm going to use my skill and experience to attempt to survive a night in the jungles of Peru.
Now its very important when building a shelter that you elevate it above the level of the forest floor because the forest can get very very dirty. To do this you find two trees that are about seven feet apart, you take your hammock out of your backpack and tie it onto the trees, with your hands.
The next thing we need to do is find something to cover you because the forest can get quite cold and yucky at night. You could use leaves but there could be absolutely anything on them so I'm going to do the next best thing.
You just hold your mouth open and wait for a flea to fly in. You catch it in your teeth and tear its wings off, beautiful... Another 904,000 of those babies and I've got me a duvet.
Before that though we need to catch us some dinner so we're going to set a few traps. The first trap involves holding a stone over some ground and wait for something to pass. If nothing passes after 10 minutes or so we just keep waiting. We hold the stone for another 50 minutes, then we wait for something to pass, then all we have to do is wait.
WE SEE A FEW SHOTS OF STEVE IN VARIOUS STATES OF BOREDOM.
Another good technique is to just fling some stones into the jungle.
HE THROWS SOME STONES.
Lets see what I got. Excellent, I'm after uprooting this mushroom and I also took out that wasp. Mmm, wasped mushrooms, my favourite.
A third technique for catching food is to grab your cricket bat from your bag and just run through the jungle kicking and swinging wildly. Eventually you will discover something.
HE RUNS KICKING UNDERGROWTH AND SWINGING HIS BAT. EVENTUALLY HE KICKS A BIRD WHICH RUNS BACK AT HIM.
Ah look what I've got. The Wrestling Bird of Peru or Aves Hulkhoganus Peru-vus. He won't go down without a fight. He has me in a headlock so I'm going to have to loosen his grip somehow.
STEVE MANAGES TO SQUIRM AWAY BUT THE BIRD CLOTHESLINES HIM CAUSING STEVE TO FALL TO THE GROUND.
Now he's going for his signature move. A leg-drop off the tree. I'm going to have to get out of the way of this one and counter quickly.
THE BIRD JUMPS FROM THE TREE BUT AT THE LAST SECOND STEVE ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY. THE BIRD IS NOW LYING ON THE GROUND STOMACH DOWN. STEVE CROSSES THE BIRDS LEGS AND GETS HIM IN THE SHARPSHOOTER(SUBMISSION MOVE).
You have to hold this as tight and as for as long as possible. If you let him go he will fly back at you like a bastard or if its too loose he could just reverse the move on you.
THE BIRD STARTS SQUAKING IN PAIN.
Tap out! Juuust tap out!!!
THE BIRD EVENTUALLY TAPS ITS WING OFF THE GROUND IN SUBMISSION.
......And finally we need fire. So again we get a couple of stones and rub them together. We get little bits of very dry timber and put them directly underneath, maybe a few dry leaves as well. Now you just get your lighter from you backpack and light the lot.
Now we need quite a big fire to scare predators so we will throw another log or two on it.
THE TREE NEARBY STARTS TO GO ON FIRE AND THE FIRE SPREADS RAPIDLY TO THE OTHER TREES.
Lovely...This is very important to keep dangerous animals at bay.....
CUT TO MORNING WITH STEVE STANDING WITH HANDS ON HIPS.THE FOREST IS NOW JUST A HEAP OF SMOULDERING ASH.
...And it makes it pure simple to find my way out.....Easy.
END.
