SOOTYJ IS SITTING IN A SMOKING JACKET BEFORE A FIRE IN AN OLD LIBRARY THE WALL IS COVERED WITH THE STUFFED HEADS OF GREY SQUIRRELS AND PUPPYS.
SOOTYJ
Are you sitting comfortably children? You are? Damn the rohypnol hasn't kicked in yet.
Tonight's tale is a horrible story, a terrible story.
SMALL KID OOV
Is it Saw?
SOOTYJ
No it's not Saw. That was rubbish any way.
OTHER SMALL KID OOV
Is it the one where Kevin Bacon plays a nonce in a hoody?
SOOTYJ
Oh f**k off no. That film deserved an oscar. No tonight is the return of
DRUM ROLL
Trumpy the Trumpoline!
KIDS SCREAM
SOOTYJ
Can some one get the piss mop please? And more rohypnol, I mean coco. Now on with the story.
SCENE2
SOOTYJ IS SITTING IN A ROOM OF FLUNKIES KISSING UPTO HIM HE HAS HIS FEET UP ON BRIAN SEWELL
BRIAN SEWELL
Twuly that sketch about the pornographer who killed Jeanette Crankey was reminesent of Caravageo.
SOOTYJ FARTS INTO BRIAN SEWELL'S FACE
SOOTYJ
Critique that!
BRIAN SEWELL
Exquisite!
STEVEN SPEILBERG APPROACHES ON BENDED KNEES WITH A BLOODY DUFFEL
SPEILBERG
Please, please can I film Skippy the Paedophile Kangaroo.
SOOTYJ
Did you bring it?
SPEILBERG OPENS THE BAG
IN IT IS ET'S SEVERED BLOODY HEAD WITH HIS FINGER STUFFED UP HIS NOSE.
SOOTYJ
Granted. Oh life has become so sweet since I got my one liner on Newsjack. You're all scum, but I;ve got a BBC credit.
CHRISTIAN BALE APPROACHES SOOTYJ DRESSED IN AN IDIOTIC SUPERHERO COSTUME MADE IN PERVY PVC
CHRISTIAN BALE MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY GRUFFLY THEN MAKES A LOUD FARTING NOISE.
SOOTYJ
Ok Christian I'm considering you for Captain Shit's his pants returns.
THAT SEXY BIRD FROM MADMEN TURNS UP IN THAT UNBELIEVABLY SAUCY SECRETARIES OUTFT.
THAT SEXY BIRD FROM MAD MEN
And now just for you Sootyj I'm going to bounce up and down for you.
SOOTYJ
Wahey!
THAT SEXY BIRD FROM MAD MEN
On this.
SHE PULLS OUT TRUMPY THE TRUMPOLINE HE LOOKS EVEN MORE FETID AND EVIL THAN BEFORE.
SOOTYJ
Nnnnnooooooo (IN SLOW MO STYLEE)
THAT SEXY BIRD FROM MAD MEN.
Sorry I can't hear you you're in slow mo,
SHE BOUNCES UP AND DOWN UNTIL ON THE 3RD BOUNCE SHE BOUNCES HEAVENWARDS LIKE AN ANGEL WHILST TRUMPY RELEASES A HUGE CLOUD OF FLATULENCE KILLING EVERYONE IN THE ROOM AND ROTTING THEIR CORPSES INTO SLIME.
EXCEPT FOR SOOTYJ
SOOTYJ
Fantastic so I do really stink most of all.
SCENE3
SOOTYJ IS BACK IN HIS LIBRARY TIED TO HIS CHAIR AND LOOKING BEATEN
SOOTYJ
And the moral of the story is. Remember which coco's got the roofies.