1. INT: LIVING ROOM
A FATHER IS SITTING TALKING TO HIS ATTENTIVE SON
FATHER
Right lets do this again. One nine is nine, two nines are eighteen, three nines are forty two, four nines are fifty, five nines are thirty six and ten nines are fifty. Write it down.
FADE
2. INT: LIVING ROOM
FATHER
Ah Geography. I used to love this at school. Here look at this.
HE FISHES IN HIS POCKET AND SHOWS A COMPASS TO HIS SON
FATHER
It's a compass, you can use it for finding your way if you've got a map. Let me show you an easy method of remembering the points.
HE POINTS HIS HAND FORWARDS AND CONTINUES TO POINT AROUND THE COMPASS WITH EACH WORD
FATHER
Never - Liked - Weet - A Bix. Write it down.
FADE
3. INT: LIVING ROOM
THE FATHER IS HOLDING UP A SOLAR SYSTEM CHART AND HUMMING THE STAR TREK THEME
FATHER
The Sun, then Mercury, then Venus, Earth, Mars, Milk Way, Galaxy, Star Bar and finally Bluto. Write it down.
FADE
4. INT: LIVING ROOM
THE SON IS LOOKING SAD. THE FATHER HAS HIS ARM AROUND HIM
FATHER
Come on cheer up matey. Listen, here's what my dad used to sing to me whenever I was glum.
THE FATHER STARTS A SONG WITH A LULLABY INTONATION IN HIS VOICE
FATHER
I see a cat, the cat sees me
HE MIMES PEERING UP A TREE
FATHER
Cleaning himself in our apple tree
HE LOOKS UP IN DISGUST AND THEN SHAKES HIS FIST AT THE CEILING
FATHER
I shake the tree, and he falls from up on high
HE MIMES SHAKING THE TREE
FATHER
And I beat him with my spade screaming DIE CAT DIE
HE GOES INTO A FRENZY MIMING BEATING THE CAT. HIS SON STARES ON OPEN MOUTHED. THE FATHER COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR SOBBING.
FATHER
Jesus. Don't write it down. Please don't write it down.
FADE
INT 5: KITCHEN. THE FATHER SEES HIS SON WALKING IN CRYING AND HANDING HIS FATHER A REPORT
FATHER
Hello son, lets have a look.
THE FATHER STUDIES THE REPORT AND SMILES
FATHER
D for delightful, E for excellent. Wow, you've got an F for fantastic. Well done son. Come on, lets watch the football.
HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HIS SON
FATHER
Did you know Churchill invented football during the Crimean War. It was originally played with a square ball.
FADE
