Skit Comp entry - The Streaker Parts 3

Bored, so I thought tout for some feedback on my entry this week. The theme is 'family'.
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EXT. STREET. DAY

A HANDBAG THIEF RUNS PAST A SHOP DOOR, PUSHING PAST BYSTANDERS. MOMENTS LATER 'THE STREAKER' BOUNDS PAST THE SAME SHOP, THE SAME BYSTANDERS NOW DESPERATELY HUGGING THE WALLS OF THE SIDE-STREET WITH THEIR BACKS.

THE STREAKER
Desist villain! The clammy hand of destiny awaits thee!

WITH THE STREAKER ABOUT TO APPREHEND HIM, THE THIEF DARTS INTO AN OPEN DOOR OF A BUILDING.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING.

THE CHASE CONTINUES UNTIL THE THIEF DISAPPEARS INTO AN OFFICE. THE STREAKER BURSTS IN AFTER HIM ONLY TO SEE HIS SISTER AND THE THIEF, BEHIND HER, WHO IS NOW IDENTIFIABLE AS HER HUSBAND.

BEHIND THEM A LARGE PINK BANNER, WITH TWO PINKS BALLOONS AT EACH END, READS "HAPPY INTERVENTION". THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND HIM AND HE SPINS AROUND, ALERT TO DANGER, ONLY TO SEE HIS HIS MOTHER LOCKING IT. LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM THE STREAKER RECOGNISES SEVERAL OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS AND A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS.

THE STREAKER (A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK BUT TRYING TO MAINTAIN AN AIR OF RIGHTEOUSNESS)
Err... What's going on citizens?

SISTER (TAKING HIS HAND AND STRIVING TO MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT)
This is your intervention, Colin. It's time you stopped this idiotic obsession with naked crime-fighting.

THE STREAKER
You're suggesting there should be some kind of cover-up?! Impossible!! Nothing comes between truth, justice and.. The Streaker! Criminals must take taste the fleshy stench of justice!

HE PLACE HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS, THRUSTING OUT HIS CHEST PASSIONATELY. HIS COCK DANCES WILDLY. AN ELDERLY AUNT FAINTS.

THE STREAKER (QUIZZICALLY)
Or should that be smells..?

MUM
Your sister's right, Streak... I mean, Colin. We can't go on like this, it's tearing your family and friends apart.

FRIEND
Yeah, we've stopped asking you along to Rugby. Yeah it's hands-on, but it's not that hands-on!

OTHER FRIENDS MURMUR IN AGREEMENT. THE STREAKER FIDDLES CLUMSILY WITH HIS TRADEMARK RED TIE.

THE STREAKER.
And you all feel this way...?

THE ROOM ANSWERS AS ONE
Yes!

THE STREAKER
Well, it's all of you against us two then.

SISTER
"Us two...?"

SHE LOOKS AT HIM, AND THEN AT HIS KNOB.

SISTER (WORRIEDLY)
Are you getting it a cape?

THE STREAKER
No, I mean...

SUDDENLY THE LOCKED DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND THERE, LEANING AGAINST THE DOOR FRAME, SWEATING HEAVILY AND FIGHTING FOR BREATH STANDS AN OVERWEIGHT MAN IN HIS LATE FIFTIES. APART FROM A LONG MAC AND A PAIR OF TRAINERS, HE IS ALSO COMPLETELY NAKED. HE COUGHS DEEPLY, HIS LARGE HAIRY BALLS BOUNCING RHYTHMICALLY. THE RE-AWAKENING AUNT FAINTS AGAIN.

THE STREAKER
Ladies and gentlemen! I introduce to you all...! My new crime-fighting partner...! Mac Daddy!!™

SISTER
Dad...?

MAC DADDY (STILL BREATHING VERY HEAVILY)
Alright Pet?

THE MUM, HIT BY THE SWING IN DOOR, SLOWLY NOW SLIDES DOWN THE WALL BEHIND THE DOOR, AND ONTO THE FLOOR. THE STREAKER AND MAC DADDY EXCHANGE GLANCES SHEEPISHLY.

THE STREAKER
Villainy awaits! To the Smart car!

THE STREAKER DASHES PAST MAC DADDY AND OUT OF THE ROOM.

MAC DADDY (STILL SWEATING AND SHOUTING AFTER THE STREAKER)
Can we have the air-con on Col?! My mac is sticking to my ass hair!

HE SHUFFLES OFF AFTER THE STREAKER LEAVING THE ROOM STANDING IN SHOCK. ONE SIDE OF THE BANNER BECOMES LOOSE AND FLOPS OVER THE SISTER'S HEAD. IT NOW RESEMBLES A MASSIVE DONG.

SISTER
Bollocks.

END.

_______________________@___________________ Anybody...? Bueller?

Format makes it hard to read. Consider revising it.

Lines are a little over explained could be cut down a bit. Its a good premise. It's pretty decent little sketch.

Does the streaker have a mask? I think that'd be quite absurd if he's butt nekkid but has a face mask.

No he doesn't have a mask, his red tie is his 'costume'.

Quote: Gavin @ July 19 2010, 9:41 PM BST

Format makes it hard to read. Consider revising it.

Lines are a little over explained could be cut down a bit.

View original

In what why? Anyone else have an opinion on this?

Lines or setup?

The blocks of description should be more like:

Also don't write all in capitals.

Quote: Nil Putters @ July 18 2010, 7:04 PM BST

EXT. STREET. DAY

A MAN RUNS PAST A SHOP DOOR, HANDBAG IN HAND, PUSHING PAST BYSTANDERS. MOMENTS LATER.'THE STREAKER' BOUNDS PAST THE SAME SHOP.

THE SAME BYSTANDERS NOW HUGGING THE WALLS OF THE SIDE-STREET WITH THEIR BACKS. WITH THE STREAKER JUST ABOUT TO APPREHEND HIM, THE THIEF DARTS INTO AN OPEN DOOR OF A BUILDING.

THE CHASE CONTINUES ALONG CORRIDORS UNTIL THE THIEF DISAPPEARS INTO AN OFFICE. THE STREAKER BURSTS IN AFTER HIM. IN FRONT OF HIM HE SEES HIS SISTER, THE THIEF BEHIND HER NOW IDENTIFIABLE AS HER HUSBAND.

A LARGE PINK BANNER, WWITH TWO PINKS BALLOONS AT EACH END, HANGING BEHIND THEM READS "HAPPY INTERVENTION".

THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND HIM AND HE SPINS AROUND ALERT TO DANGER ONLY TO SEE HIS HIS MOTHER LOCKING IT.

LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM THE STREAKER RECOGNISES SEVERAL OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS AND A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS.

View original

Thanks for the suggestion Gav.

Personally, I'd cut the ACTION down as much as possible. You could squeeze that down to one or two paragraphs. And going from inside to outside may require a change of location.

EXT. STREET - THE STREAKER CHASES A HANDBAG THIEF DOWN THE STREET AND STRAIGHT INSIDE A BUILDING.

INT. BUILDING (CONTINUOUS) - HE PURSUES HIM THROUGH MANY DOORS AND CORRIDORS SCOOBY-DOO STYLE. THEY FINALLY REACH A ROOM WHERE HE FINDS HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS WAITING FOR THEM BOTH. THIS IS A CONVENTION.

The sketch and character itself is pretty fun. I'm surprised it's not more cartoony though judging by what I thought would be your influences (The Tick, etc).

When are you going to knock up some concept drawings of him then?

Thanks Lee, I'll look at cutting it down.

I wanted a real character acting stupidly.

Ha! No, I don't think you or Gav have the balls to animate his pendulus organ.

Quote: Nil Putters @ July 20 2010, 1:19 PM BST

Thanks Lee, I'll look at cutting it down.

I wanted a real character acting stupidly.

Ha! No, I don't think you or Gav have the balls to animate his pendulus organ.

View original

Sounds like a challenge! Do me some decent concept stuff I'll animate it Tractor boy.

Ha!

I've cut it down as much as I think I can now. Thoughts?

Much better.

Ta muchly for the feedback. Updated my entry.

Still in Capitals.

I KNOW. That's how I roll.

Action should be in capitals. In script format anyway.