INT. ARTIST'S STUDIO. DAY.
JOHN CONSTABLE IS APPLYING THE FINISHING TOUCHES TO "THE HAY WAIN". A DEALER IS STANDING OVER HIS SHOULDER.
CONSTABLE
It is my masterpiece, "The Hay Wain". Look how I have captured the form of the clouds, the changing light, the harmony between the sky and the simple rustic scene below.
DEALER
Yes, it's very... technically accomplished.
CONSTABLE
I cannot do better.
DEALER
Only...
CONSTABLE
Yes?
DEALER
Don't you think it is a bit... chocolate box-y.
CONSTABLE
I'm sorry?
DEALER
A bit pretty-pretty.
CONSTABLE
Pretty-pretty?!
DEALER
The serious buyers are looking for something a bit more.. challenging. Take Turner.
CONSTABLE
Yes, his daring, almost abstract, use of light in "Rain, Steam and Speed". Most impressive.
DEALER
I was thinking more of his "Unmade Bed".
CONSTABLE
He painted his bed?
DEALER
No he just sold the bed. Genius.
CONSTABLE
What does he sleep on?
DEALER
Piles of cash. Stubbs is cutting up horses.
CONSTABLE
To study their anatomy that he might depict them more accurately?
DEALER
No he is pickling them in formaldehyde. Whistlejacket's owner was a bit put out at first, but after it was explained to him what a powerful statement the piece made he was pleased as punch. Or you could take a leaf from the young artists coming through.
CONSTABLE
The Pre-Raphaelites with their painstaking fidelity to nature?
DEALER
They have jacked all that in. Rossetti has just sold a tent decorated with the names of all his lovers. Well, I say a tent, more of a marquee really.
CONSTABLE
(ANGRY) I have spent a lifetime studying nature in all its moods and honing my skills as a painter to enable me to capture them with an unprecedented veracity, and you are telling me that to be hailed as an artistic genius all I need have done is to exhibit my dirty laundry, butcher a farmyard animal or boast about my sexual exploits? (SIGHS) It has all been a bit of a waste of time really, hasn't it?
DEALER
There's always the greeting card market. (AFTERTHOUGHT) Though the real money is in funny ones.
CONSTABLE
I'm quite good with cock jokes.
END.
