(IN THE STYLE OF A TV ADVERT)
LOTS OF PSEUDO-FANCY PHOTOS OF VODKA PANTS FLASHING ALL OVER THE SCREEN IN A DISORIENTATING MANNER.
VOICEOVER MAN
Vodka Pants! That's right! Introducing Vodka Pants. They're the first undergarment ever to be made entirely from vodka. No need to thank me! As well as being supremely snug, their high alcohol content means that you'll never have to worry about bathing your private parts again; it's all taken care of for you.
DAD, LOOKING MISERABLE, IS SCRUBBING THE SINK WITH A PAIR OF ORDINARY PANTS AND SOME KITCHEN CLEANER.
VOICEOVER MAN (CONT'D)
We all know how dads like their pants to serve a multitude of purposes, and with the tremendous cleaning power of Vodka Pants everyday domestic chores can become a joy.
DAD, NOW LOOKING CHEERFUL, SCRUBS AWAY WITH ONLY A PAIR OF VODKA PANTS.
DAD
(slurring)
I never thought cleaning could be so much fun!
FROM BEHIND, WE SEE THAT DAD ISN'T WEARING ANY PANTS.
VOICEOVER MAN
And when you feel like taking a break, you can just ring them out-
DAD RINGS THE LIQUID OUT INTO A GLASS, RAISES IT TO THE CAMERA AND DRINKS IT.
VOICEOVER MAN (CONT'D)
-And have a drink. (Beat) Vodka Pants can also double up as a shammy cloth. But whatever you do, don't let dad use them to clean the windows.
DAD, FOAMING AT THE MOUTH, SMIRKS AND WAVES FROM UP A LADDER.
VOICEOVER MAN (CONT'D)
Or wash the car.
THE CAR IS SAT IN THE GARAGE. DAD, MOUTH WIDE OPEN AND STUFFED WITH THE VODKA PANTS, IS PASSED OUT IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT WHILE EXHAUST FUMES ARE BEING FED INTO THE CAR THROUGH A TUBE.
A TENTATIVE COUPLE OF BEATS, THEN ANOTHER PSEUDO-FANCY PHOTO OF VODKA PANTS FLASHES ONTO THE SCREEN.
VOICEOVER MAN (CONT'D)
Order now and for a limited time only we'll send them to you directly! (Beat) Vodka Pants - they'll make you feel like you could fly.
DAD FALLS FROM THE LADDER.
DAD
ARGHH!
VOICEOVER MAN
(sped up)
Warning: may contain magnesium and other additional nitrates.
END
