Newsjack Series 3 Quickie Failures Page 9

Is there only one more week of humiliation to go? I was just learning to enjoy it.

This week's orphaned runts:

(North East) I think Raoul Moat shot himself out of desperation. I mean, what would you do if Gazza turned up with a can of lager wanting a chat?

I was on a date last night, and all of a sudden she jumped up, kicked me in the chest and then ran up to the waiter with her arms out shouting 'What? What?' - All I said was 'Do you want to go Dutch?'

(Posh) Britain? The worst anti-social behaviour in Europe? - F**k off!!

(Hispanic) I would like take this opportunity to congratulate our beloved Fidel Castro on his first television appearance for over a year- Jefe, we welcome you back to our screens. Remember, please: don't eat the slimy, gristly one. It is the testicle of Kangaroo.

I fully support the proposal to move fund holding to GPs such as myself, because it means that we can target our resources on those areas of our practice which provide the best value for money - healthy people.

'F*bleep* W*bleep* B*bleep*' Listen, who swears? Arjen Robben is saying his prayers

We would like to apologise to American listeners for any offence caused when we headlined our report that BP will shortly finish drilling relief wells in the Gulf of Mexico with the words: 'Well Done, BP'. We should, of course, have said 'Well done, British Petroleum'.

POSH WOMAN:I think it's great news that GP's are to be given £80 billion of tax-payers money to spend how they see fit. But then...I do own a gin distillery.

WOMAN:Tony Blair is getting an award from the Americans for his pursuit of peace in the Middle East. And yet people say they don't get irony.

VOX POPS

There's a terrifying new scifi movie where George Osbourne gets chased around an Alien planet by the IMF

It's called Creditors.

Paul the octopus hasn't got a spine and knows how to back a winner?

Looks like Nick Clegg's got a new rival.

I can't believe there are more Orange order riots.

Face it Spain was the better team.

Channel 5 has defended their controversial new documentary.

Leave Hitler alone he's a cannae fella, presented by Gazza Gascoine

Those French, bloody trouble maker.

Can't they just draw a veil over Muslim women?

After several schools stopped using swimming pools during Ramadan.

David Cameron has now announced Ramadan will last all year.

Starting this week on BBC 1 will be a new drama series.

Dr Finlay's massive power trip.

And after the rules on food companies sponsoring television were relaxed we'd like to present the latest BBC children's channel.

KFCbeebies.

CORRECTIONS

We would like to apologise for yesterdays news item on Conservative plans for the NHS.

We meant to say they will be GP organised, not cheaply organised.

We would like to apologise for the remark on Women's Hour on how easily Carla Bruni could wear a Hijab.

We don't think she is easily available.

The latest MOD buildings will run on processed horse manure,

We apologise for having nothing funny to add to this fact.

Paul the Octopus one is very good Sooty, I like that.

could maybe even do it along the lines of him being tipped as the next leader of the Lib Dems.

That was my personal fave. I never sent the following one.

Corrections

We apologise for suggesting Paul the psychic octopus predicts the NHS will be safe under Cameron.
That was his brother Paul the psychotic octopus.

I bet it feels strange for Naomi Campbell to be called as a witness at the Charles Taylor trial. After all, it must be the first time she's ever stepped into a court of law without being the accused.

Apparently, some of the pilots who flew in the Battle Of Britain were from Edinburgh and Glasgow. So if we'd lost, would they have been British or Scottish?

I'm a coaster maker by trade. Business has been virtually non-existent this week. Then I realised why. Prince released his free CD last Saturday.

Britain's Got Talent star Susan Boyle is launching her own talent search for a somebody to sing a duet with her on the next album. When questioned about fears that it will only attract deluded weirdoes, Susan said she is not entering the contest herself.

ELDERLY MALE: As you get older and frailer, little things like opening jars become more difficult, and when I can't get the lids off I miss having big muscles. I had to retire recently, so I suppose my job'll go to a younger octopus.

Quote: Larkin @ July 16 2010, 2:05 PM BST

ELDERLY MALE: As you get older and frailer, little things like opening jars become more difficult, and when I can't get the lids off I miss having big muscles. I had to retire recently, so I suppose my job'll go to a younger octopus.

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very clever

UPTIGHT WOMAN:I am shocked that my MP was too drunk to make a vote on the budget last Friday. Apparently he decided it wasn't appropriate for him to vote, having had one too many or as MP's like to call it, a second home.

PERVY MAN:I like the idea of women bishops, only fair to give them a bash.

WOMAN:I think the French banning the full Islamic veil is appalling. Sarkozy is clearly a massive berk-a.

DAD:When I heard about this Facebook panic button thingy the only thing I could think of was of Corporal Jones in Dad's Army. You know, "Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring, don't panic!" and what's that other one he used to say... Oh yes "They don't like it up 'em". But I suppose that's why they've introduced it.

DITSY WOMAN:I've been following the story since it started. All of it, from the capture after the long chase to the drawn out, protracted negotiations. So when it reached its conclusion last week I was relieved. Though I'm not sure about the name Daybreak.

CORRECTION #1:Last week we reported that the Anglican Church was trying to no longer discriminate against women priests becoming bishops. We were actually talking about the Catholic Church not wanting to incriminate any priests, whatsoever.

Very much enjoyed these ones from the blog. I think I like the sillier ones better but hey that's just me.

And good to see new variants on the PC gone mad & British / Scottish gag theme. Think that's one thing that's missing from Newsjack a running joke. Sure they could work one in each week.

Quote: Big Jack @ July 15 2010, 7:12 PM BST

Corrections
- Our lawyers have asked us to clear up some confusion over our story about disgraced Judge Gerald Price. We were of course referring to his resigning from the bench when we said he was no longer allowed to try young offenders.

Not Vox Pops:

- "You can try telling GCHQ to employ more ethnic minorities - but will they listen?"

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Quote: Sound of Spinach @ July 15 2010, 11:20 PM BST

So the order of the top 2 films at the moment is Despicable - Twilight, isn't that just one film?

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Quote: Badge @ July 16 2010, 1:23 AM BST

We'd like to apologise to online World of Warcraft gamers for calling them sad, geeky and socially inadequate. We shouldn't have used their real names.

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Quote: Bomsh @ July 16 2010, 3:56 AM BST

(Hispanic) I would like take this opportunity to congratulate our beloved Fidel Castro on his first television appearance for over a year- Jefe, we welcome you back to our screens. Remember, please: don't eat the slimy, gristly one. It is the testicle of Kangaroo.

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Quote: RobJ @ July 16 2010, 6:28 PM BST

UPTIGHT WOMAN:I am shocked that my MP was too drunk to make a vote on the budget last Friday. Apparently he decided it wasn't appropriate for him to vote, having had one too many or as MP's like to call it, a second home.

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This is a great idea but needs a serious rewording as it doesn't quite work.

Quote: RobJ @ July 16 2010, 6:28 PM BST

DITSY WOMAN:I've been following the story since it started. All of it, from the capture after the long chase to the drawn out, protracted negotiations. So when it reached its conclusion last week I was relieved. Though I'm not sure about the name Daybreak.

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Thought this was ace! Not sure many people would get it though, as didn't think it was a massive story.

Dan

Hello - it's that cynical grumpy old shit who spits Newsjack-flavoured bile here. First visit to this thread.

Of course I'm far too precious to post my own failings here. It's all too much for Jupp and his chums to pass me by each week, let alone smear my pain over the internet - but you lot have some cracking material here. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE CRAPPERJACK PRODUCTION MONKEYS? Seriously - they're rejecting this stuff?

I say we storm the BBC next thursday? Bring some lighted torches and pitchforks. Those fools who script edit Newsjack are so wrong. Terribly terribly wrong.

(Alternatively, refuse paying your licence fee. But it's more impressive to go to prison by burning down Broadcasting House)

After next week we should start BCGJack, that'll show 'em!

Quote: sootyj @ July 16 2010, 9:14 AM BST

VOX POPS

Paul the octopus hasn't got a spine and knows how to back a winner?

Looks like Nick Clegg's got a new rival.

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I choose this one.

Why don't we start a thread of good ideas and help each other out?

And thanks for picking me!