NJ Bad Teachers

Bit rushed as the idea came very late. Couldn't think of a funny ending so went for a groan!

MILES
Like your first wet dream, everyone remembers their favourite teacher. Mine left under a bit of a cloud (beat) Gym Mistress McLeod. (QUIZICALLY) Was I the only boy in the Upper Sixth who believed Mr. Chippers when he said that he was performing the Heimlich Maneuver on her in the sports equipment cupboad (beat) after all their clothes had fallen off, due to the static of all those balls rubbing together. Refreshing news this week then when OFSTED Chairwoman, Zenna Atkins called for every school to have at least one useless teacher to give children a taste of incompetent authority figures they will meet later in life. School trips to the House of Commons are set to increase dramatically.

FXATMOS GENERAL MEETING HUBBUB

HEAD
(CALLING MEETING TO ORDER) Right! OFSTED inspection next week. Last year we performed particularly badly, achieving 100% staff competence. I'll go around the table and want to know one thing you've done to improve your individual incompetence rating.

TEACHER 1
(NERVOUS) I'm afraid Headmaster that I struggled with this, but I did manage to trap Jimmy Brown's fingers in the Lego cupboard doors.

HEAD
(EXPECTANTLY) Did he lose any of them?

TEACHER1
I'm afraid not

HEAD
Damn!

TEACHER 2
One of my children did only achieve grade As in all their subjects not A stars. And I let Molly Perkins take the hamster home during term time.

HEAD
(EXPECTANTLY) And it died through your negligent assessment of the family's animal care abilities?

TEACHER 2
No, her parents are both vets. In fact little Timmy came back healthier than ever.

TEACHER 3
Don't worry Headmaster. I lied on my application form about my qualifications, I have served time in Thailand for drug offences, I'm regularly drunk in class and when St Joseph's came to play cricket I put laxatives in their pre-match lunch. Brown Friday will be long remembered.

HEAD
That's better, but how will we convince OFSTED that we are achieving national standards if not one of you is anywhere near as incompetent as they are. Mrs. Clapper, you're my last hope.

Mrs Clapper
I did vote for Michael Gove in the election.

HEADS
Saved by the bell!

MILES
OFSTED is apparently an acronym for One more something Sucking The Education system Dry. Can't think what the F stands for. Answers on a post card to Zenna Atkins c/o honestly that's not my porn star name.com

MILES
Refreshing news this week then when OFSTED Chairwoman, Zenna Atkins called for every school to have at least one useless teacher to give children a taste of incompetent authority figures they will meet later in life. Mine left under a bit of a cloud (beat) Gym Mistress McLeod. (QUIZICALLY) Was I the only boy in the Upper Sixth who believed Mr. Chippers when he said that he was performing the Heimlich Maneuver on her in the sports equipment cupboad (beat) after all their clothes had fallen off, due to the static of all those balls rubbing together.

I've taken the liberty of doing a 'mash-up' on your opening paragraph. Personally, I think it works better to open with the news story on this one, as it is funny in its own sake.

That still leaves me with the problem of the word 'mine' being a bit ambiguous, the mysterious 'Mr. Chippers' and whether static electricity really makes your clothes fall off!

Doesn't Miles Jupp make a big deal in his stand-up act of having gone to a posh school? Maybe the opening could 'riff' on this. I'm not sure what 'posh incompetency' is, but there might be something there.

I agree it should start with the news story. It's nippy, some very good lines and a great idea at the heart of it.

But I think it's a complex idea so you may actually not be telegraphing the funny enough. e.g. it took me a sec to realise that he wanted the school to be more incompetent. Also some of the intro gags like the one about the gym teacher distracted a bit.

Quote: Jinky @ July 16 2010, 8:48 AM BST

MILES
Refreshing news this week then when OFSTED Chairwoman, Zenna Atkins called for every school to have at least one useless teacher to give children a taste of incompetent authority figures they will meet later in life. Mine left under a bit of a cloud (beat) Gym Mistress McLeod. (QUIZICALLY) Was I the only boy in the Upper Sixth who believed Mr. Chippers when he said that he was performing the Heimlich Maneuver on her in the sports equipment cupboad (beat) after all their clothes had fallen off, due to the static of all those balls rubbing together.

I've taken the liberty of doing a 'mash-up' on your opening paragraph. Personally, I think it works better to open with the news story on this one, as it is funny in its own sake.

That still leaves me with the problem of the word 'mine' being a bit ambiguous, the mysterious 'Mr. Chippers' and whether static electricity really makes your clothes fall off!

Doesn't Miles Jupp make a big deal in his stand-up act of having gone to a posh school? Maybe the opening could 'riff' on this. I'm not sure what 'posh incompetency' is, but there might be something there.

View original

Thanks Jinky. You are absolutely right that the news story here should have come first to set the scene.
The mention of Gym mistress and Mr Chippers (bad pun on Mr Chips) alluded to Miles Jupp's alleged posh schooling. Useful feedback.

Quote: sootyj @ July 16 2010, 9:01 AM BST

I agree it should start with the news story. It's nippy, some very good lines and a great idea at the heart of it.

But I think it's a complex idea so you may actually not be telegraphing the funny enough. e.g. it took me a sec to realise that he wanted the school to be more incompetent. Also some of the intro gags like the one about the gym teacher distracted a bit.

View original

Thanks Soot. I see your point about telegraphing the funny and I could have made that clearer.

Also this sketch would probably go down well at NewsRevue (take out the Miles stuff), but Newsjack seems a bit more linear, more simple.

So contradictions, comparisons etc seem less popular.

I like this one a lot, Will. I did a sketch on the same subject but yours is a much better angle and is better written. I'll put mine up anyway.

Dan

I'm very surprised NJ didn't use this line:

"Like your first wet dream, everyone remembers their favourite teacher."

It's a perfect Miles line.

Thanks Mikey, I know you shouldn't enjoy your own farts, but I liked it too. I shall bide my time and keep trying (unless the farts start to smell of sprouts or the decaying food caught is a grandma's beard).

I do like it, but I think it needs less words & a bit more snap.
But when you're running to a deadline you never get the chance to have a look later with fresh eyes.

I haven't sent any sketches to NJ this series, so I'm impressed anyway, it's a good stab.