Sketch

Court room

JUDGE
You have been found guilty of the crime and your punishment will be hanging.
You will be the first person to be condemned to death since the recent revival of the execution laws in this town.

CRIMINAL
Oh thank, thank you, thank you a million times my lord. My parents will be so proud. Never, ever before in all my life have I come first in anything.

Brilliant.. You should elaborate on this and turn it into a longer comedic play

Sorry, Bushbaby, but I didn't find this funny. It's not a strong enough joke for such a rapid sketch. Also, the dialogue is somewhat clunky and unrealistic.

I agree with Ben. There's a joke in there, but this feels like you've just scribbled it down quick.

Quote: bushbaby @ July 12 2010, 3:33 PM BST

Court room

JUDGE
You have been found guilty of the crime and your punishment will be hanging.
You will be the first person to be condemned to death since the recent revival of the execution laws in this town.

CRIMINAL
Oh thank, thank you, thank you a million times my lord. My parents will be so proud. Never, ever before in all my life have I come first in anything.

View original

I sometimes wonder if I'm too old and past it now, maybe if it was like this?

JUDGE
You have been found guilty as charged. I sentence you to death.
Yours will be the first hanging in this town since the execution laws were reintroduced.

CRIMINAL
F**k me, thanks a bundle. How lucky can a c*nt get? I've never p*ssin' come first in anythin' before.

Quote: bushbaby @ July 12 2010, 4:38 PM BST

I sometimes wonder if I'm too old and past it now, maybe if it was like this?

JUDGE
You have been found guilty as charged. I sentence you to death.
Yours will be the first hanging in this town since the execution laws were reintroduced.

CRIMINAL
F**k me, thanks a bundle. How lucky can a c*nt get? I've never p*ssin' come first in anythin' before.

View original

Much better.

I thought it was ok. I think that another potential angle would be as follows, if I may be so bold Bushbaby:

INT. COURTROOM.
(CAMERA FOCUS ON JUDGE)
JUDGE:
You have been convicted of a heinous crime and you leave me with no option but to pass on to you the most severe punishment of execution. You will be hung by the neck until dead. Have you anything to say?

CAMERA PANS TO DOCK TO REVEAL A TWO-HEADED SIAMESE TWIN.

ONE HEAD STARTS ARGUING WITH THE OTHER.

Maybe too surreal though?

Quote: bushbaby @ July 12 2010, 4:38 PM BST

I sometimes wonder if I'm too old and past it now, maybe if it was like this?

JUDGE
You have been found guilty as charged. I sentence you to death.
Yours will be the first hanging in this town since the execution laws were reintroduced.

CRIMINAL
F**k me, thanks a bundle. How lucky can a c*nt get? I've never p*ssin' come first in anythin' before.

View original

This is a huge improvement.

Make the criminal a drunk (like Andy Capp), and you've got yourself a decent little spot cartoon.

it's probably more suitable as a couple of sentences in a stand up....rewritten as....the judge said etc

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ July 12 2010, 4:53 PM BST

I thought it was ok. I think that another potential angle would be as follows, if I may be so bold Bushbaby:

INT. COURTROOM.
(CAMERA FOCUS ON JUDGE)
JUDGE:
You have been convicted of a heinous crime and you leave me with no option but to pass on to you the most severe punishment of execution. You will be hung by the neck until dead. Have you anything to say?

CAMERA PANS TO DOCK TO REVEAL A TWO-HEADED SIAMESE TWIN.

ONE HEAD STARTS ARGUING WITH THE OTHER.

Maybe too surreal though?

View original

That would be good as part of a series of 'em

JUDGE
I am imposing a fine of 5 hundred pounds for the GBH offence.

CRIMINAL
F**kin' five hundred quid? It's not my fault the bitch kicked out at me. I'd no intentions of breakin' her soddin' leg. I was tryin' to break' her f**kin' neck.