Please check out this sketch some friends and I filmed. This video isn't properly live yet so if you have any editing suggestions to improve it please let me know (bearing in mind I can't reshoot! 
) or notice any problems with the sound, I'd appreciate it.
Thanks
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New Version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpaVvDj3L98
This is based on a sketch I put in critique a few months ago.
https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/17007/
Cheers
The last shot - LOL.
Quote: Leevil @ July 10 2010, 4:40 PM BSTThe last shot - LOL.
That's my friends 'dying zombie' face. He rarely gets to use it.
Think it needs a few stronger laughs, shoepie. Maybe the zombie could have said "Brians?" after "brains" was spelt out? That's my helpful joke for the day.
Dialogue flowed well and I think the black and white look suited it, but, out of interest, why did you go for B+W?
I think the black and white needs another gritter filter on it.
Quote: Leevil @ July 10 2010, 4:59 PM BSTI think the black and white needs another gritter filter on it.
You and your technical nous!
OT I know, but, when are we seeing more of your animation, Leevil?
Quote: Ben @ July 10 2010, 5:04 PM BSTOT I know, but, when are we seeing more of your animation, Leevil?
Soon.
Tried several times and cannot get this YouTube clip to play properly. It comes out all pixelated and keeps freezing at 19 seconds. Everything else on YouTube I can play fine.
From the small amount I can get to play I can say I second Leevil's filter idea.
Will give a better critique if I get it to play properly.
That was good fun but if it's in black and white why not a big splash of vermillion gore at the end?
Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ July 10 2010, 8:58 PM BSTTried several times and cannot get this YouTube clip to play properly. It comes out all pixelated and keeps freezing at 19 seconds. Everything else on YouTube I can play fine.
Click on 360p and change to 240p, I had the same problem and this seemed to work for me.
Quote: The Giggle-o @ July 11 2010, 12:05 AM BSTClick on 360p and change to 240p, I had the same problem and this seemed to work for me.
Thanks I got to watch it, liked it. I think the extra filter would benefit and the final show it superb.
Think my favourite line from the original script, 'I killed the last housemate' was played both by the actor and reaction wise all wrong (might just be the reaction (maybe can reshoot with a close up?).
Almost seemed like he was reading 'huh?' from an auto-cue.
On the flip side loved the whole 'I'm not really a Zombie' exchange, very nice.
D
Very good ShoePie, made me chuckle. I think Ben's suggestion is a good one too.
Quote: The Giggle-o @ July 11 2010, 12:05 AM BSTClick on 360p and change to 240p, I had the same problem and this seemed to work for me.
Cheers Giggle-O. I have much to learn about YouTube.
OK, my thoughts on the editing (not that I know what I'm talking about, as anyone who's seen one of my cartoons would agree.):
- Speed up the fade-to-light fade-to-black on 'Dave, you're a zombie!'
- Actually, don't think the line 'Dave, you're a zombie!' is needed. We can tell he's zombie by his look and the title that appears soon after. Assume the line can be cut easily because we don't see the character saying it.
- I'm not sure the music should keep playing after the title sequence. Might be funnier without it. (maybe, maybe not)
- The 'That'll hold him' shot could be cut. In the next shot we can see he's tightening the ropes so we can tell the 'zombie' has been tied up with the previous shot. Get to the jokes quicker.
- Please get rid of the reaction shot at 1:32. Be funnier if the 'zombie' keeps talking without the interuption and the close-up really looks out of place.
- Possibly the 'No!' at the end isn't needed. Just have the 2 characters look at each other before the wok comes down. (not sure how well that'd flow but maybe just see how it looks)
- Like Sooty's idea of having red on the screen as or after the wok comes down. Maybe bring up the sound effect of the wok hitting the head. Maybe make it sound a bit like the watermelon bursting.
Non-editing thoughts:
- Script is OK. Bit of a lull in middle.
- Don't think the (very slight) change in location is needed when the 2 characters discuss how to deal with the 'zombie'.
- I think get better performers next time.
- Lighting could do with some work.
- Doesn't the ice cream come out of the fridge?
Generally I thought it was OK, but yeah, work needed.
P.S. Apologies for any mistakes in this post. Written in a rush. Will correct soon.
Best wishes
Yac
Thanks for all the replies, this was really helpful, I'm going to have another go at it tonight. Sorry for posting and running but I was away for the weekend so I'll catch up on replies now
Quote: Ben @ July 10 2010, 4:58 PM BSTThink it needs a few stronger laughs, shoepie. Maybe the zombie could have said "Brians?" after "brains" was spelt out? That's my helpful joke for the day.
Dialogue flowed well and I think the black and white look suited it, but, out of interest, why did you go for B+W?
Cheers Ben, I went with black and white purely because the make-up was so bad!! Due to a misunderstanding we had no make-up so we tried covering him with flour, colouring him in with pastels, eventually we used White Max Factor eye shadow!
Quote: Leevil @ July 10 2010, 4:59 PM BSTI think the black and white needs another gritter filter on it.
Yeah you might be right there, I'll try and bump up the grittiness.
Quote: sootyj @ July 10 2010, 11:59 PM BSTThat was good fun but if it's in black and white why not a big splash of vermillion gore at the end?
Cheers SootyJ I almost did a cut-away of the Shaun character being splattered with the zombie's blood but so many things had gone wrong I decided against it.
Quote: The Giggle-o @ July 11 2010, 12:05 AM BSTClick on 360p and change to 240p, I had the same problem and this seemed to work for me.
Cheers for the tech support Giggle-O! That's a bit worrying though. This is the first time I've used Sony Vegas so hopefully this in not a problem my end with the export. What did you think of it?
Quote: dannyjb1 @ July 11 2010, 9:25 AM BSTThink my favourite line from the original script, 'I killed the last housemate' was played both by the actor and reaction wise all wrong (might just be the reaction (maybe can reshoot with a close up?).
A lot of the acting issues were my fault, because of the make-up problems we were so rushed and so didn't get enough time to rehearse or for me to think a bit more about the delivery and give better feedback.
It's very frustrating though, my scripts get good feedback but when I make them the animations/film versions never get the same reaction. I'm starting to think books are a better medium for me!
Quote: Nil Putters @ July 11 2010, 10:51 AM BSTVery good ShoePie, made me chuckle. I think Ben's suggestion is a good one too.
Cheers mate, thanks for checking it out!
Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ July 11 2010, 1:42 PM BSTOK, my thoughts on the editing
I won't respond to every point but thanks for giving such an in depth breakdown, I appreciate it.
I generally agree with everything you said, this next pass of the editing I will try and trim it down even further. Think I'll lost the 'huh?' and have him just leave.
Some of the shots are to establish the shot, position of characters etc. but I suppose they slow the action down and I should probably credit the audience with being able to work it out.
Will probably lose the reaction shot towards the end, it was a late addition as I just love the face he made... but that's probably only funny to me because I know him.
Anyway phew....! Thanks again everyone for your comments, hopefully I will upload a finished version later this evening, and then I move on!!
Thank you everyone for your suggestions! They were really helpful.
I trimmed it a little and removed a few shots which shortened it by 6 seconds, I increased the contrast slightly too to make it a bit moodier.
I don't think there's much more I can do with it that would make it any funnier so I've decided to go live.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpaVvDj3L98
I hope you like.